the driving force

I finally wrapped up my reader response. Another set of readings awaits.
And as I multi-tasked between work and blog hopping, taking a peek into other peoples lives had me looking into my own as I asked myself if I ever had the chance to switch lives with another, would I be brave enough to leave my familiar world and embrace a totally different one?

Ambitions drive you yet it shouldn't reach a speed limit that can cause you to spiral out of control.
As for me, the wrong turns I made in life had gotten me back on track for I'm letting patience take the driver's seat now.

And I finally understood why they say let go of all expectations and how rewards come when you least expect it.

:: People ::

I think I'd do well as a paparazzi, given the fact that stories often reach my ears before I had a chance to say 'No, I'm not interested.'
Feigning interest may be the only ticket out to not be lured by hearsays yet even the stubborn self did at times fall into temptation - only to discover that subconsciously I'll end up doing my own research & if possible get acquainted with the subject of the talk so that I can shake off such rumors.

Believe it or not, its a battlefield out there in the working world.
You'll never know who your enemies are until the comrades you trusted your life with walked away while you lay frail and helpless.

I love people. I enjoy networking. I like social gatherings.
But I learned there should always be a private haven within you which is off limits to people who finds pleasure in watching you fall.

Being true to yourself does not mean you don't have to listen to others.
Listening to others does not mean you have to compromise your true self.

You & I. We are flawed.
Expect the same from everyone else.

Of thoughts

Had it not been for my curiosity to understand how the human mind works as put into theoretical frameworks by people who had conducted social experiments based on human behaviors, I think I'd be a less forgiving person.

Although such reads provide logical reasonings to why people act as such, the insight gained may not necessarily help me fathom the same issues - discussed in print - if its applied to the real context.
The best sound & rational explanation sociologists could give is that humans have been (blessed or cursed) to be imperfect - oh, don't we all know that.
These imperfections, manifested in different forms, have been said to be more evident if its seen from another's eyes.
Simply because most of the time, we humans are blind when it comes to seeing our mistakes.
And more often than not, we created our own comforting lines to justify our actions.

In this century it may translate to 'nothings really good or bad or even right or wrong' - it's just what your code of principle you choose to live with.
But the right to your own mind demands another level of introspection.

As emphasized by my academic writing tutor - sure its your intellectual property & granted you may have a freedom of speech but could you exercise it responsibly?
I remembered that tutorial where questions were shot back at her, if we have the right to write what we want, why must there be academic conventions that we have to conform to?
My tutor is one with a quick wit, twisted a little bit of our mindset & asked back the same question I found myself pondering about -

If everyone wants to say their piece, who's going to listen?


It doesn't take a genius to understand that the social experiments conducted spoke of one big problem faced by the human race - communication breakdown.
Wherein lies the missing puzzle - what could have gone wrong as we proudly embrace technological advances?

Dad and I had our usual discussion over tea. Some days it takes hours & today was one of them.
My dad works with NS men - which means he handles young men. Eventually stories of his boys will be brought up during our conversations and in the span of two weeks, he had to witness yet another marriage falling apart because of financial issues that finally triggered to the husband having an affair without thinking of his one year old kid and his pregnant wife.

Dad is a chauvinist (and a stubborn one) told me 'It's women who hurt their own female counterparts'.
Of course, I said - its men who couldn't keep their eyes and hands to themselves.
But dad proved a point.
When had it become normal to head for a divorce if a slight misunderstanding went wrong?

Dad said a lot of it boils down to communication.
You may speak different languages and perceived things differently but there should be a way you could meet halfway and compromise.
When it comes to relationships, albeit any forms, communicating may simply mean spending a little of your time listening to another person baring his/her soul to you.
In our usual cases, often we forgot to ask the million dollar question 'Why did you do as such?'

For despite our wrongs which we believed to be rights, we have our reasons to justify our actions - it's just people don't ask for them.

And if we go back to the most convenient truth that describe humans -
Imperfection is second nature to us - it makes us no worst or better than another.

:: THE CONVINCING TRUTH ::

Rounded up the interviewing process.
And in my short stint as editor for the school's newsletter, I'd learned that the other scope of my work also involved 'chasing' the contributors.

The best thing about holidays is that you have time to enjoy afternoon TV especially famous talk shows like the Oprah Winfrey on Hall Mark channel, the Ellen DeGeneres show on Star World and Larry King Live on CNN.
I'm a fan of talk shows simply because I've always enjoy the discussions as well as seeing how guests respond to questions posed by the interviewer.
In a nutshell, one must possessed a quick wit if one is invited to be on the hot seat.

Paris Hilton was on Larry King Live today.
The famous socialite recounted her experience serving her jail term & that got me to reread her 'Confessions of an Heiress Paris Hilton, a tongue-in-chic peek behind the pose'.
And I quote 'When you get hurt, life gets very real, and then you have to stop and put the world in focus. I'm glad I was forced to do that this year. There's been a huge shift in my self-perception and the way I look at the world.'
Even though this might just be part of some interesting lines to sell a book, I thought it was worth pondering especially coming from someone whom the world sees as one who had everything come so easily for her.

If you believe you lack a good quality in yourself, stop grimacing or you'll end up losing yourself in a distorted belief that imperfection is a crime.
Man, equipped with his/her own survival instincts, are always cautious of people around them.
We may think, if we are not careful, we might get hurt & hurt is not something we can handle easily.
People hide vulnerability in many ways.
Some shines their qualities & tell the world how good they are while others simply prefer to take the back seat & confide in others their insecurities rather than risk being called an overconfident or selfish person.

Which ever way you choose to mask your fears when it comes to dealing unfathomable issues in life, has it always been easier to share them with one who seem to be able to understand you?
And how often do we, in our attempt to shove accusations, relied on the infamous explanation 'I don't care what people say cause they don't know the real me?
Come on, I believe you and I had been guilty of that.

The fact that our loved ones excuse our flaws because they believe the good in us may just oversimplify the real us.
Had it not been for conformity & laws, reason & logic, emotions & feelings, could we truly take the full credit for being good - the good son/daughter, the good student, the good friend, the good partner?

In our short lifespan, its impossible to know the real person residing in the souls of people around us. Heck, we are at times clueless of our real self.
So the infamous explanation may work after all - if lashing tongues manage to spread the word around, magnifying our shortcomings & flawed character.

The lesson is, I guess - simply about staying true to yourself. By that, I mean, learning & growing from the symbiotic relationships you have between you & nature as well as you and other fellowmen.
Maybe that way, you will start believing that there is good in you & everyone around you.

And whose been triggering me with the unnecessary thoughts & had partially convinced me that we are actually sanes living in an insane society?

Eric Fromm when he said,
'However unreasonable or immoral an action may be, man has an insuperable urge to rationalize it, that is, to prove himself and to others that his action is determined by reason, common sense or at least conventional rationality. He has little difficulty in acting irrationality, but it is almost impossible for him not to give his action the appearance of reasonable motivation.'

That is so true.

:: WORDS ::

Six months to the deadline for the novel writing competition.
Reached the 10k word mark but am still short of 5000 words.
It's funny how after countless of times proofreading my own writing, editing my own words - I came to realize I was not only writing about myself but also people who meant a lot to me, those who had all these years confided in me and yet I let them be because I know my two cents of worth only temporarily reassure but can never be a quick fix to a tricky situation.

D is going to giver her second opinion on my first shot to novel writing & throughout the years of knowing her (we've been classmates since we were 13, back then in Crescent), I'd say she is the one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Had it not been for her, my time in school could just be a normal, empty one. Thanks love.


Best friend. You have always been part of my story. :)

“Ironis bukan? Dalam optimisme kamu ada pesimismenya,” Rita berpendapat.

“Maksud kamu?” Aalinah bertanya, keliru dengan kenyataan sahabatnya itu.

“Maksud aku. Engkau yakin dengan kekuatan diri kamu tapi keyakinan itu diselindungi di balik alasan yang tiada milik kita yang kekal. Engkau seolah menyerah pada takdir. Reda dengan situasi, tidak mahu memperjuangkan apa yang sepatutnya menjadi hak kamu,” Rita berkata.

“Tidak semua yang pernah menjadi milik kita harus dipertahankan Rita. Termasuklah hubungan kasih-sayang lelaki dengan wanita. Jika benar sedaya upaya kita telah cuba membinanya tetapi pihak yang lain tidak mahu meletakkan usaha, patutkah kita terus menghukum diri dengan menyatakan bahawa kita boleh memperbaikinya lagi jika berusaha dengan lebih tekun.

Itu membunuh diri Rita. Bukan secara literal. Tapi ia membunuh keyakinan, semangat perjuangan dalam diri untuk terus hidup. Apakah perlu kita memperbaiki setiap kesalahan orang dan menganggap kesalahan itu milik kita juga?

Aku rasa tidak, Rita. Ada perkara yang aku redha tapi ada perkara juga yang aku tahu aku ada kuasa untuk mencoraknya. Kejayaan aku, kebahagiaan aku juga kesenangan aku – itu yang aku harus pertahankan,” Aalinah menjelaskan prinsipnya.

‘Malam ini, sepi menjadi saksi hancurnya suatu perasaan. Biarlah airmata terus mengalir. Biarlah aku mendakap kesedihan ini. Untuk apa aku terus membendung emosi yang juga berhak atas diriku. Aku perlu kuat. Aku perlu teguh. Tetapi malam ini, biar kulenyap dalam kelemahanku tatkala kekuatan itu akan bangkit semula setelah aku berani bertentang dengan kedukaan hari ini.’

:: do nice guys really finish last? ::

I'm currently addicted to Miami Ink, in admiration of tattoo artists sketching intricate designs which take a lot of homework on their part to put ideas in producing a great piece of body artwork.
But what caught me on today's episode was Ami, the shop owner who, in my opinion, exudes a kind of raw sexual appeal that I find uniquely charming.
It has nothing to do with the tattoos all over his body, I think it's his sense of presence that could literally stopped a crowd.

Over the weekend, the best friend & I, over our usual coffee session talked about our preference when it comes to choosing a partner.
Although we have extremely different taste when it comes to the looks department, there are some common qualities that we appreciate in our men.
We discussed stubbornness, decisive, independent & strong.

Nowadays, men have new labels attached to them ranging from sensitive new age to metrosexual to a himbo.
Over decades, as we witness activists fighting for female rights, there's no reason to wonder why we, females are letting gender equality get to us.
We say if a man can do it, so can we.
We scoffed off traditional roles of man & woman practiced over centuries where the man goes out hunting to put food on the table while the woman tends to domestic chores.
It's a relatively good combination to building a family, yet as men start to take for granted, reigning power of leadership & showed off superiority by abusing the opposite sex, we are left with little choice but to flaunt our kick-ass attitude just to give them a reminder that we can't be easily bullied.

The fight for this gender equality has produced results, manifested in many modern societies where the females now can head a company, leads a group of men & in fact, we come close to accepting the fact that the only difference between men & women is the chromosomes.
A little observation sparked an interesting thought, is this gender equality responsible for man losing their manliness and women losing their feminine touch as well as the rise of a homosexual culture?
Are we really that confused?

I've recently heard a guy friend lamenting on how he had done everything for a girl, yet she chose a 'bad-boy' image guy (who proves to be quite an asshole) over him.
And I asked, what do you mean when you say everything?
To which he replied, running errands for her, at her beck & call 24/7, missed the boys get- together because she didn't allow him to.
In short, he's such a nice guy, you just feel like shooting the girl who probably has a problem appreciating kindness.

But turned the coin around, I must confess he's actually over-doing it.
Yes, I believe it's back to preference.
And according to mine, he quite painted a picture of a henpecked man, someone who does everything you want him to do.
I've grown up with a dad who brainwashed me more often than not to try rationalize issues from a men's perspective.
If I am stubborn, I need someone equally stubborn or more than me.
If I am independent, I need an equally independent man.
Just my luck, I often ended up with this kind of breed.

As the best friend & I were talking.
This breed can reduced you to tears had you not been a thick-skinned.
This breed can develop an egocentric problem if you try to feed him with compliments.
This breed can stir a courtroom with smart responses under a calm demeanor.
This breed can shake your sanity just by being practical.
This breed can seduced you with their ambitions & lured you into making one of your own.
This breed can tipped your emotional balance with just having their own set of principles.

But this breed always give you a challenge, you will be too occupied to get bored for you will spend most of your time peeling the different layers to discover that soft side of him, the real person inside hiding behind that bad-boy image.

Do nice guys finish last?
No, my friend.
It's just that we can get greedy - we want nice plus ruggedness.
Because even though we are equal now, we still need someone to protect us.

Do you want a guy who cowers behind you at the sight of robbers?
I know I don't. :p

:: trudge along the road of life ::

My body clock could apparently detect when I'm having my holidays.
For when the clock strikes twelve, my brain cells start functioning & all thoughts in the head come crashing as if there's no tomorrow.
And this little space has been a true companion - a great listener to my most random thoughts & endless ramble.

I'm into my final chapter of the 'Happiness Hypothesis'.
It provided a good insight on the theoretical aspects & I finally come to my senses -
mere knowing does not necessarily mean you are halfway through a life-changing experience.
Though after the read, one can safely say the world does not only hold your problems.
There are others to consider & that our tears of suffering are just the same as any one else.
It's the degree of pain which we chose that marks all the difference.

Sometimes when you think you have everything worked out - career & relationship & family, adversity strikes when you least expect it and you witness your life slowly crumbling into pieces - how do you stay strong with your head held high believing that everything will be fine?

I think we do well at masking our innermost fears.
Fear that one day these blessings will be taken back.
And to overcome this fear; we glorify our mundane lives, content with little pleasures that each day brings.
As we slowly learn the meaning of appreciating & what loss feels like, it will come to point when we finally understand that clinging tenaciously to life may not erase its uncertainties or the fact that nothing in this world really lasts.

For what we have had never been ours in the first place.

:: just another day ::

The morning saw me dragging myself out of bed to attend a talk by one of our local politician.
Normally political discussions will bore me to death but the three-hour discussion today was engaging as interesting issues were brought up and the speakers' outright frankness on the reality of the local political scene somehow turn our inquisitive minds on as series of questions were then raised in the later part of the session.

While he was highlighting on the rise of successful Malays here, I was thinking of the other extreme; something I learn during my experience with my lower-end students.
So the itchy mouth me raised the question on how in our eagerness to celebrate these budding successes, can we bring the notion of collectivism across to the group who are still trapped in the poverty cycle - who while we are having our discussion in the comfort of an air-conditioned lecture theater, are slogging their butt off to provide for a family of maybe five?

Before my teaching stint, I had in mind all my students' family are like mine.
But I was humbled by my students' open honesty (especially coming from the lower primary), that some of them are raised single-handedly by either parent and parents who exist yet are absent at the same time because they are juggling different jobs.
The detrimental effect on these young minds' are that they were brought up to think they are stupid because report books say fail & the word fail has become a new synonym for stupid in the eyes of our society.
It's hypocritical if I say I understand how they feel because I don't have the slightest clue of how its like to live in a dysfunctional family. This emotional wreck has always been moved by such recounts & know she can only listen with sympathy.

The politician gave me a good insight. Efforts & funds have been channeled to tap on this rising problem. But instant change may prove to be too ideal for progress is often a long-awaited process that requires constant experimentation and awareness that every one of us has a role to play especially when it comes to building a family.

Because sometimes adults flaws & mistakes can victimized our young by robbing their potential, dreams & hopes.





On a lighter note, the man brought me to his temptation Island a.k.a Queensway & yes, this is the second pair of Nike Shoes he got for this month!
Boys and men. The difference? The cost of their toys.

:: of thoughts ::

The reads on 'Joy Diet' and 'The Happiness Hypothesis' (God knows why my reading preference has always been towards pop psychology & philosophy.. not that it made me any wiser) trigger lots of thinking to which I can safely say all those money spent on figuring out the meaning of life through all these reads were both worth it & worthless.

Freud's psychoanalysis theory on id, ego & superego, Socrates wise words on humanity and the emergence of new religious doctrines as well as ongoing researches conducted by advocates of psychology&philosophy eventually lead to the one fact that any Tom, Dick and Harry are very well aware of; the mind is indeed a divine gift of both rationality & emotionality.
And every organ, though functioning on a separate entity with a specific task to carry out, forms a committee of what constitutes an organization we call being human.

Words & language have now become the most powerful tool in every aspect of human life; They can easily make or break. The influence words have on the human minds are unimaginable; words can be an inspiration and on the other spectrum, it can trampled one's emotions. Can wisdom truly be measured by words then since we are wired to believe words are a manifestation of an introspective & reflective mind?

Gradually this kind of reads, that most cynics will bin on sight, reveal that in our constant inner struggle of questioning the what-ifs and whys, the human mind has only the capacity of accepting and reacting. It has never been programmed to understand the mechanics of how when the sperm & eggs meet, babies are formed nor can it provide reasons to why despite the different face shape&structure&complexion, no human has been created with an extra eye or ear or hands for that matter of fact.

Faith is the companion one should never lose.
It's having that trust & confidence in our Creator (regardless of your religious beliefs) that there is a reason behind every existence.
Though there's no 'one size fits all' guide for a spiritual journey to seek the reason, there's probably only one key to unlocking the meaning of life,

Simply live it. :)

:: price of my vice ::

I know right now, I should jolly well get back to revising.
But the weather is inviting me to sleep, the bed is calling and the yellow lamp is really setting a mood for total relaxation (talk about excuses).
Notes chucked one side, I got to reading Her World instead.

And the catch line of an article caught my interest.
'When it comes to vices, will our pasts catch up with us?'

Raking up the past has never been a desirable subject to start with.
How often than not, we wish that the 'bad' period of time we faced could be automatically deleted from our memory.
Don't mention the word forget. It never really existed, so I think.
Everyone has skeletons in their closet.
And many would rather run away from their past, rather than confront or graciously accept that it had been part of us.
My flawed character saw too many imperfections to even deem myself as one of the 'good' girls.
My list of vices?
Let's just say, I've seen night life, put my health in jeopardy to what I name 'a must have experience' for any normal and sane teenagers.
I've put a stop to that all that experience.
The blasting music once played by the DJ had been replaced by the voices of my favorite girls singing to the tune of Tokyo Drift.
The aimless walking around in town area now replaced by catching up sessions with friends.
And a lot of willpower it took to finally let go of bad habit - safe to say I'm much healthier now.

There are other things in life (like befriending the wrong company or getting to know the wrong guys) that I wished had not happen to me.
But seeing it in a new light, the exact same things made me a little bit wiser and more careful of my actions - more careful means considering consequences or asking the what-ifs.
Something the impulsive me had trouble relating to in the past.
Though I'm glad I started the 'experiences' at quite an early stage, its undeniable that at times I wished I could rewrite certain chapters of my life.

I've not turn into a saint (as much as I want to).
In the process of seeking self-betterment, kicking old bad habits as I began to realize, is less than a third of that journey.
For evil may appear in other forms.
Temptation often tests the willpower and at times, the sanity to live the old life especially when the going gets tough.
Some say the leopard never changes its spots.
Though I feel if you see life at its different stages and constant checks on your age may eventually bring you back to the harsh reality of life - you will never get any younger.

As I'm writing my words now, episodes of the past came flashing.
And until today, I've not braved myself to say thank you to the people who had once existed as part of a beautiful/heartbreaking memory.

And the vices?
I think I've paid enough for them.
For it once costs a damaged soul, heart and mind. :)

:: adulthood ::

Adulthood will see many of us growing being ‘diplomatically-correct’ as we learn that relating to other adults is not as easy as we imagined.
It’s a process of discovering that you are just mere human and that when need arises; the evil side of you have to make an appearance - to keep you from being used or dismissed easily
Then again, you should in the first place believe in what you are doing and know that if you are the sort who heavily depend on rewards and perks, you will eventually find yourself becoming a victim of your own expectations.
It’s easy to lose your principles along this process as people start feeding you with their perceptions and as you are thrown to a sea of choices, you’d realize its easier to conform and follow conventions, rather than trying to be a unique individual with his/her own mind.
Yes, different people think differently but how often do we end up listening to what others say so as to be socially accepted by others and be comforted knowing the fact that, ‘hey, I’m not alone – someone thinks or feels like I do.’
As we try to practice our individuality, we subconsciously, are finding people like us as a make believe that we are in fact, normal.
.And even an optimistic being will agree that during adulthood, the meaning of trust is only idealistically defined in dictionaries. Adults have only themselves to trust for trusting yourself is the only gift you can provide for those whom you dearly loved.

Just last night, I was thinking about the future of the Islamic civilization if the Syiah and the Sunni unite in an effort to uphold justice and see to the poverty issues that had cost many families their faith and hope to live.
But you don’t have to go far to see how easy a society can crumble.
Within small institutions or organizations, we witness disparity factored by a strong need to pursue personal interest and naturally we forget that the essential element of communicating is to listen (It’s damn hard. I’ve tried).
I had my share of experience handling difficult individuals. (I may be that difficult individual myself) and PR skills are not something you learn overnight.
There are times when you wish you can be in isolation. Times when you rather be in solitude than face other humans. But to shun yourself away from society may not provide you with the experience of being surrounded by positive people who can guide you through this process of self-discovery.

And adulthood, I’ve discovered, is all about responsibility.
For your actions, your thoughts, your words, your opinions will not mean anything if you are unable to stand firm to what you believe in.
But to err is human. And we know, as much as we try – we do fall sometimes.

To think that just a few years ago, I can’t wait to claim the ‘freedom’ of being an adult.
Now, how I’d wish I am that little girl who has the time to play water bombs after school, who runs around at playgrounds and climb monkey bars, who has not much to worry except the fact that I have homework, who innocently believe that life is all about games, family, study and fun.

Oh well, life has to go on and who knows adulthood is not so bad after all.

:: Wednesdays with Dr Tan ::

I always looked forward to my Wednesday morning class.
D knows I'm a sucker for lecturers who make one ponders on stuffs that relate to practical aspects of life; lecturers who make you think beyond academic readings and writings; lecturers who share their experiences and educational/life philosophies.
And these type of lecturers often have a deceptive outer appearance.
They are the same people who hang out at coffee shops, same people who don in t-shirt, jeans and backpack. Simply put, people whom if you were to pass by in the streets, you would not have known they have a Dr. attached to their name.

She left us with meaningful quotes during our last lecture today.

'A good communicator...listens.'
'You can never change with time. You can only change if your thinking changes.'
'The power to define is the power to validate.'

So the whole three hours, she made us see beyond academic conventions and that the working world will remain a pleasant one if we hold on to our belief and not let what others say affect us.
I think this comes with experience.
Knowing does not make one any wiser (frankly, information-loaded can turn one into a cynic or one who keeps questioning the what ifs) and I truly appreciate the lessons I had with lecturers who not just mere teach facts, rather inspire and see that between grades and growth; growth plays a more important role in learning.
Oh well, we are in a way victims of the 'examinations bell curve' and work ranking system.
In another lecturers' words, it seems that everyone is competent enough and thus people now are targeting on weaknesses, rather than tapping potentials - its survival instinct.
Someone has to score the D. It's just a matter of who.

God is fair but the world is unjust.
As Ahmed (a character in V.S Naipaul's: Among the believers) put it, 'The world is mixed up now. People are confused. There is no longer any symmetry in many people's lives.'
I am a self-proclaimed confused self, by the way.

There are lecturers' who make a difference in your life.
And I have recognize a few throughout my learning who had really made an impact.

Even as adults, we do need role models, don't we?

I couldn't think of a good ending for my first novelette.
Though it was a satisfying 10,000 word of ramble. Lepaskan geram beb.

The epilogue (I think I am crazy).

Aku duduk bersamamu.
Berpijak di bumi yang sama.
Tetapi dunia kita berlainan.

Aku yang berjuang untuk kebahagiaan
Diandaikan gila.

Sedang engkau dalam kemelut seharian
Difikirkan waras.

Benarkah aku gila?

Aku suka menjadi gila.

Kerana manusia tidak akan menghukum
Kesalahan aku. Kesilapan aku.
Kerana mereka kata aku hanya buat kerja gila.

Tapi engkau.

Kerana warasmu itu,
Engkau terpaksa berhati-hati
Mengorak langkah kerana orang lain
Akan menuduh.

Mengecam tiap kekurangan yang engkau miliki.
Aku tahu.

Engkau mahu menjadi seperti aku.
Mencipta dunia sendiri.
Tetapi engkau takut bukan,
Membebaskan diri dari norma.

Engkau takut mereka akan kata
Engkau juga gila.

Warasmu dan gilaku.
Apakah itu yang membentuk manusia?

:: people ::

Hello D. :p

Since it was a sleepless night yesterday, today was payback time.
I slept like a pig. Ignored all calls and messages.
Woke up hours later, only to find myself panicking because I thought I was late for my Wednesday morning class.
Damn, its still Tuesday.
My screwed-up body clock is screwing my brains too.
No, definitely no coffee tonight.

A loved one is going through a pretty rough period of her life.
For a second, I felt the anger and a certain sadness that this could happen to her.

If humans keep in check with their flaws and work to seek meaning in their lives, instead of identifying others' weakness, the world would have been a better place.
If we understand that we are in no position to decide what is wrong or right for others or who deserves a chance to be in hell or heaven, we could have spared ourselves from unnecessary hurt.
There's a lot of truth when they say most of the time we are battling a good fight - not so much against others but within ourselves.
The self is constantly on a spiritual journey to seek self-betterment.
Though more often than not, we killed our enthusiasm to walk this journey for fear we will be defeated.
Talk is cheap.

And as much as I want to condemn the people who had undeniably do mean things for personal satisfaction, I find myself not in a position to.
The good thing about seeking faith is that it keeps you sturdy like a rock.
Even if the world is against you, the peace that comes from within will guide you through the hardship.

This is the after effect of reading Paulo Coelho's writings.

I knew the exact reason why I appreciate maturity in men (regardless of age) - they cause lesser trouble.

:: my midnight ramble ::

I've witnessed a little too many breakups (divorces included) lately.
Stories of how people just let go without even trying.
Stories of how people find it hard to readjust their lifestyle to suit their new status as wife/husband.
Stories of how people turned their back on those whom they claimed to love at the slightest flaws.
Stories of how people switched attention to another because they are deprived of them.

Truth be told such stories and personal experience taught me a lesson on cautiousness.
I can't claim to be a cynic when it comes to love since I am in a commitment now.
Nor can I be an advocate of love after going through a rocky period of what I can simply put it as - detrimental to my health and emotional well-being. Though it took awhile to see that from a positive light - that it raised me to be a partner that gave love only through loving herself.
More often than not, we heard about people speaking of love which I felt was more to the expression of the idea of love and not really defining the true emotional experience of love itself (for it varies in every individual).

If love had not existed in dictionaries, will you have known the literal meaning of it now?
And does love always have to come with bouquets of flowers, fine dining and countless of romantic dates?
What's tragic is that at times, pressured by peers, we put unnecessary strain on our perfectly normal relationship (I am mere human; guilty of that).
Confidence clouded by irrational doubts.
Faith shaken by insecurity.

Time will heal.
As cliche as it sounds, it really will.
Though not without scars and deepest fears still neatly tucked in our precious little heart.
After all, life is too short to ponder on heartbreak caused by love.
I pray for your happiness my friends. :)
Insyaallah.

It's going to be a sleepless night.

:: revolution ::

As the day suggests, it should be a Good Friday.
But I and maybe some of my other classmates will find ourselves stuck in front of our PC's finishing the last round of work for this semester.

Though I took a little time off last night for a good read.
I am not so much into 'political' kind of reads.
But somehow, V.S. Naipaul's 'Among the Believers: An Islamic Journey', caught my attention.
He gave an insight on the Islamic revolution from his travel experience in the Muslims states which include Iran, Pakistan, Indonesia and Malaysia.

Though I was a little bit skeptic of his writing (an irrational bias after learning he is a non-Muslim) before I even read it, it took me awhile to finally understand the content objectively; that he is not speaking ill of the religion and that he is just giving an account of the fundamentalist zeal that had gripped the young Iranians.
With no intention to preach, I'd just realize I know little of what is happening in other Islamic states as I am typing my words away right now.

Outside our priviledged and comfortable life,
people are fighting for their lives, defending their beliefs, crying over losses, living in poverty.
Things that we took for granted, things we thought will never happen to us.
Its learning to see the bigger picture that you will realize how small you actually are.

I think we have little excuse to feel remorse, bitter or depressed.
Though the downside of knowing people are suffering worst than you is that you tend to brush confrontations too easily; you see no need to make such a big-hoo-haa over things that you feel are petty stuffs.
And because we are mirrors of our imperfections, being judgmental should not be part of us.
But naturally (even me), never perfect, will find ourselves acting as a judge to others' lives, to others' behaviors.

Then if we better ourselves and yet be ignorant to outside happenings, will be called selfish then?

Ok, this usually happen to me after reading.
I question things that held no answers.

:: of hopes and dreams ::

A decade ago, I was posted to a girls' school.
It was Mum's wish to have me studying with the same gender species.
I remembered the first day of school.
Mum made sure my uniform's skirt was below the knee.
From the look of the class pictures and D's description of me when we first got acquainted, I'd say I must have looked damn horrible then.

Jannah introduced me to contact lenses when I was fifteen.
And by sixteen, my virgin hair was embarking on a destructive route to damage - thanks to lots of hair chemical treatments.
I don't see myself as smart then (esp. if your peers had A's all over their report books)
I am always last in class. Yes, its either number 37 or 38.
Mum had to meet the principal every year.
The subject that saved me was only my Malay.
I think my morale was at its lowest lows during that period.
My Prelims results could not secure me a place in any junior colleges.
I gathered I was already one of the 'No Future' kid. (I think 'No Future' needs to be redefine)

O Level results came.
It was not that bad after all. 3 months of 'crash' tuition paid off.
At 16, I had to make a first real choice.
Headed to MOE for the interview. Len accompanied me.
In front of 4 panels, I was blabbering through my way.
Answering the questions with no notion what was really in store for me.
Had I been really sure then?
Maybe I was. I secretly oath to major only in my favorite subject. I swore off Maths&Science.
I wanted to do Mass Comm but my English grade did no qualify me for the course.
So when the letter of acceptance from MOE came, I was super happy.
Though a little bit worried since it is a 4 year bond.

Throughout my training in Townsville, I learn a lot.
It was kind of a culture shock since my classmates were all of the same race.
Somehow we survived the weekly essays, planning for events and performances.
Friendships were forged. The interesting part is that my classmates came from different walks of life and age groups.

We were encouraged to further our studies (since my highest qualification is O levels then).
And NIE had just introduced the crossover.
I wanted the crossover. (everyone did)
But it was not really a die-die want. Its just a if-have-have-don't-have-life-goes-on thing.
I had other plans. To go overseas. Even if its just to a university at out neighboring country.
I admit I am never the hard worker.
When it comes to exams, I spot questions. (try finding patterns from past papers)
And I must say, for the whole four years of study I was more of exam smart rather than a hardworking intellect.

Last year I received my Mendaki award. It still seem nothing until I saw my parents' smile. (I still think awards are nothing).
I was offered the crossover. Which means a slightly shorter route to getting a degree.
Even after five years, I'd still get those snide remarks when I said I am going to be a Malay teacher.
'Why Malay?', 'Cikgu Melayu?'
Yes. It might not be a glamorous profession but it is still something I love to do.
People might look down on your jobs but like my uncle was saying even if you are a driver or a cleaner, you should take pride in what you are doing.
Which is true. Every time I talked to the security guards and cleaners in school, I feel I am no different from them.
I am still working my butt off to earn a living.
Once a while I will hear them complaining about getting ridiculous orders from the higher authorities, how they have to clock in 12 hour a day, how their meagre income have to feed a family of five. They were the same people who told me to keep studying and working hard.
Conversations with them really humbled me.
Each of us have different blessings. Some may have to struggle a little. Some are just lucky.

I am thankful.
But so what if I am able to complete university education yet I could not understand the true meaning of learning.
Its the people I met throughout the years that I owe a lot to.
The previous Stamford Road library staff, I'd never forget how they helped me find my books for research.
The security guard from my previous school that I was posted to who had a funny way of greeting me, '2 million, 2 million.' Then comes the hello.

Now that I'm thinking of doing my MA, I wonder if I will still be lucky.
To meet people who inspire. To chance upon strangers, who like me, are finding their path in life.
The man & I often talked about it.
How are we going to give back what we had been granted with.
And we agreed, its within the four walls of the classroom that we can accomplish that.
After all, we will be responsible for other peoples' children.

I know why I am trying to be as Superwoman now.
For I intend to retire early and hopefully do what I've always wanted to do - travel to third world countries. Now with the man in picture, I'd say my dream if achieved will be a beautiful one.

Note to my students (I know some of you read my blog:) -
This is Cikgu Mira's story.
One day its my turn to listen to yours. :)

:: reflecting ::

I am in favor of a particular lecturer.
In his class (albeit its a 3hr session), I will never fall asleep.
In fact, in his class I feel that my general knowledge is really lacking.
Not so much in awe of his profound knowledge, rather his humility and willingness to share with others what he feels we should know.
Though no human is a paragon of perfection, I'd say he is one of the rare academicians that truly inspire.

So today a question was thrown to me.
'Sebab yang membuat anda merasakan kebebasan diri.' (along the lines of that)
Rendered me speechless for a second.
He probed. 'Atau, anda merasakan diri masih dirantai.'
I came up with the answer that kept reappearing in my mind.
'Pengalaman' - Experience.
Further discussions really got us thinking.

Are we really afraid of freedom?
Do we feel safer when we are tied down to something; be it conventions or commitments?

Possibly.

And after a 'reflective' journey home from school, I realized I'm suppressed by my own need to feel free to be human.
A being constantly in process of soul-searching.
A being who dares to be an individual in a society. (not individualistic)
A being who fights for her dreams.
A being who understands that the world does not only revolve around her.
A being who knows her own society well enough to defend it.
Is that too much to ask for?

And as I sat down and think, it dawned on me why from the start I've always been interested to do Malay studies.
It's like finding your own roots.
Recognizing the depth of knowledge my language has to offer.
And after five years majoring Malay, I learn that
-my society's problem is my responsibility
-its unhealthy to judge others who are ignorant; instead share with them what I've been taught
-if you really want people to believe your passion; you must first believe in yourself
-if people look down on you, take it in stride; no one can know everything.

I think lessons beyond textbook are those that make us human.
My process of learning with its ups and downs has shone a new light and broaden my perspectives on many things.

I guess, in every field, if you understand your purpose for seeking that knowledge - you will enjoy the beauty of it. :)

I am enjoying mine.

:: in-de-pendent ::

A good friend of mine use to tell me,
'Dont be too independent. Otherwise the guy will think you dont need him at all.'
To which I reply, 'Define being too independent.'
And in the midst of completing an essay on Hang Tuah, my ever confused brainwaves decide to leave the discussion of a classical text to something closer to me - the subject of independence.
I have stuck at being clingy for a long time, years in fact - thanks to some brainwashing from an individual who try to excuse himself from a commitment by directing his weakness to me and had me eating my whole self-worth half the time I was convincing myself I could make things work.

Its tiring. The constant self-talk.
Comforting yourself in a continuous web of lies you created.
Its easier to believe your own lies for you know the consequences is your own to bear.
Eventually you get trapped.
And its the point, you no longer recognize the I in you.
But after awhile, when your faith befriended you again - it became a point of no return.
One of life's greatest lesson reveals itself: loving yourself is indeed a priceless gift.
You are a happier person.
Suddenly you knew what you wanted, you dream big - you trust you could reward yourself with what you define as success.
Then life decides to play little tricks:
when it start making you think of the thin line that separates independence and selfishness.
Pray tell,
Will you give up everything you build for a shot at happiness?
Will you throw away your dreams for a chance to love?

Because some sacrifices are worth making.
It gives you an assurance to a better future.
Gradually, you will realise that independence is far beyond thinking about yourself.

For giving is also taking.
And to take, you have to be prepared to give.

Told you, I have a confused set of brainwaves.
Hang Tuah, here I come.

:: daydreamer ::

Inspiring speeches always make me feel as if nothing is impossible.

Dreams do come true, dont they?

:: All's good. ::

It has been a great year.
The ultimate ups-n-downs of the century.
Moved me from my comfort zone.
Shakened my senses.
And slowly gaining back as the dear ones claimed, 'the old Mira that they once knew'.

Its easy to push the blame on others for every downfall/every setback.
Cursing those whom u think had taken away the happiness u deserve.
Teared your days in hope that the depression, chest pains could save your rela.
Each action to make things work, u deemed them sacrifices.
And you expect something in return. For everything you had given (or so you thought).
Then your heart blackmailed your innocent soul.
Just like that, you claimed life wasnt fair for you.
You then give up.
Hopelessly trying to justify your decision.
Was it right to move away from your comfort zone at the expense of being true to yourself.
Then you think, you never deserve anyone better.
Stripping your confidence and sense of self, you never felt more naked.
Your soul bare for all to see.

Slowly closing the chapter on love.
You bounced back to life, determined to make the best out of it.
Treating yourself with the respect it deserves.
Realizing that the ticket to happiness is in your hands.
You are your own pilot to the intended destination.
Getting in touch with the innerself, you knew what you had been missing all this while.
Love for your kindred spirit.
Love for being your stupid self.
Love for being you.

Then love reopen itself in an unexpected twist of fate.
A timing so perfect, you wonder if that person had been a godsend.
All this while, youve buried ur future plans beneath your masked fear.
Hiding yourself behind the mantra, 'everyday is a new day'.
And the remedy to all the hurt was within you.
As you take a leap of faith to love again.
This time, stronger and more assured.
You know you have more to give.
Not expecting anything in return.
Because you trust and believe.

That God's delay was not God's denial.

My 2006 for you.

The driving licence.
The crossover.
The supportive friends&family&man.
Im blessed.

Syukur, Alhamdulilah.