:: of hopes and dreams ::

A decade ago, I was posted to a girls' school.
It was Mum's wish to have me studying with the same gender species.
I remembered the first day of school.
Mum made sure my uniform's skirt was below the knee.
From the look of the class pictures and D's description of me when we first got acquainted, I'd say I must have looked damn horrible then.

Jannah introduced me to contact lenses when I was fifteen.
And by sixteen, my virgin hair was embarking on a destructive route to damage - thanks to lots of hair chemical treatments.
I don't see myself as smart then (esp. if your peers had A's all over their report books)
I am always last in class. Yes, its either number 37 or 38.
Mum had to meet the principal every year.
The subject that saved me was only my Malay.
I think my morale was at its lowest lows during that period.
My Prelims results could not secure me a place in any junior colleges.
I gathered I was already one of the 'No Future' kid. (I think 'No Future' needs to be redefine)

O Level results came.
It was not that bad after all. 3 months of 'crash' tuition paid off.
At 16, I had to make a first real choice.
Headed to MOE for the interview. Len accompanied me.
In front of 4 panels, I was blabbering through my way.
Answering the questions with no notion what was really in store for me.
Had I been really sure then?
Maybe I was. I secretly oath to major only in my favorite subject. I swore off Maths&Science.
I wanted to do Mass Comm but my English grade did no qualify me for the course.
So when the letter of acceptance from MOE came, I was super happy.
Though a little bit worried since it is a 4 year bond.

Throughout my training in Townsville, I learn a lot.
It was kind of a culture shock since my classmates were all of the same race.
Somehow we survived the weekly essays, planning for events and performances.
Friendships were forged. The interesting part is that my classmates came from different walks of life and age groups.

We were encouraged to further our studies (since my highest qualification is O levels then).
And NIE had just introduced the crossover.
I wanted the crossover. (everyone did)
But it was not really a die-die want. Its just a if-have-have-don't-have-life-goes-on thing.
I had other plans. To go overseas. Even if its just to a university at out neighboring country.
I admit I am never the hard worker.
When it comes to exams, I spot questions. (try finding patterns from past papers)
And I must say, for the whole four years of study I was more of exam smart rather than a hardworking intellect.

Last year I received my Mendaki award. It still seem nothing until I saw my parents' smile. (I still think awards are nothing).
I was offered the crossover. Which means a slightly shorter route to getting a degree.
Even after five years, I'd still get those snide remarks when I said I am going to be a Malay teacher.
'Why Malay?', 'Cikgu Melayu?'
Yes. It might not be a glamorous profession but it is still something I love to do.
People might look down on your jobs but like my uncle was saying even if you are a driver or a cleaner, you should take pride in what you are doing.
Which is true. Every time I talked to the security guards and cleaners in school, I feel I am no different from them.
I am still working my butt off to earn a living.
Once a while I will hear them complaining about getting ridiculous orders from the higher authorities, how they have to clock in 12 hour a day, how their meagre income have to feed a family of five. They were the same people who told me to keep studying and working hard.
Conversations with them really humbled me.
Each of us have different blessings. Some may have to struggle a little. Some are just lucky.

I am thankful.
But so what if I am able to complete university education yet I could not understand the true meaning of learning.
Its the people I met throughout the years that I owe a lot to.
The previous Stamford Road library staff, I'd never forget how they helped me find my books for research.
The security guard from my previous school that I was posted to who had a funny way of greeting me, '2 million, 2 million.' Then comes the hello.

Now that I'm thinking of doing my MA, I wonder if I will still be lucky.
To meet people who inspire. To chance upon strangers, who like me, are finding their path in life.
The man & I often talked about it.
How are we going to give back what we had been granted with.
And we agreed, its within the four walls of the classroom that we can accomplish that.
After all, we will be responsible for other peoples' children.

I know why I am trying to be as Superwoman now.
For I intend to retire early and hopefully do what I've always wanted to do - travel to third world countries. Now with the man in picture, I'd say my dream if achieved will be a beautiful one.

Note to my students (I know some of you read my blog:) -
This is Cikgu Mira's story.
One day its my turn to listen to yours. :)