MOVED

I've moved to the following site.

action speaks louder than words

It's interesting how Her World gets me inspired very easily.
Stories of successful women who make their dreams come true by simply sticking to them.

It's time to put my thoughts into action.

the confessions of a workaholic

I'm happy with my life, or in fact the lack of it, since upon reaching home I will head to my study to catch up on the readings & the usual cycle of writing critical, reflective and analytic responses to them.
While applying intellectual rigor to such readings is something I'm in favor of, having to voice my thoughts for the various modules in relation to subjects like culture, language, religion and philosophy on a weekly basis is definitely draining.
It pretty much makes a difference if the bulk of the grade is based on independent research work & that we can make do without four exam papers (back to back) come November.
For now, across all modules, we have to juggle between group presentations, research papers, reader's response, creating a website, photography, pedagogies, in-class seminars, facilitating discussions & the dreaded examinations.

On the positive side though, this semester is what I've always wished for. And it somehow paves the way me for me to understand the real essence of learning, of humanity and the important things that we've overlooked or took for granted.
But I guess this semester also puts my relationship to a test as me and the man now have a conflicting schedule & add the work-related stress, it's important for us to not sweat over small stuffs.
It's a good thing for the lack of physical absence got us much closer through sharing during our short quality time together. And for all his idiosyncrasies & quirks, I'm thankful for the man for like it or not, love has a way of telling you that there's no shortcut when it comes to finding true happiness or as Robert Browning puts it 'Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.' :)

surprise

I was surprised to find a letter from the Singapore Press Holdings in my mail today.

It said, 'Pertama kali, terima kasih kami ucapkan atas kesudian sdri meluangkan masa menyertai sayembara anjuran kami. Karya penyertaan sdri kini sedang dinilaikan dan diadili oleh panel pengadil kami yang terdiri daripada tiga orang sasterawan mapan dan berwibawa.'

The thing is I never did send any entry to them.
I hope it's a mix-up or if it's really true that the entry is a valid one, I'd think someone send it on my behalf.
The bonus question is 'Who?'
The only clue I had is that someone knows my address very well. Spooky.

love

EPL kicks in which means its Saturday soccer night for the man.
The unromantic us are into 'jiwang' songs now. (think Taufik's 'Usah Lepaskan' and Didicazli's 'Dambaan').

Wahaha.

"We need relationships to fulfill, but not to define, ourselves." - 'The Politics of Recognition', Charles Taylor.

the driving force

I finally wrapped up my reader response. Another set of readings awaits.
And as I multi-tasked between work and blog hopping, taking a peek into other peoples lives had me looking into my own as I asked myself if I ever had the chance to switch lives with another, would I be brave enough to leave my familiar world and embrace a totally different one?

Ambitions drive you yet it shouldn't reach a speed limit that can cause you to spiral out of control.
As for me, the wrong turns I made in life had gotten me back on track for I'm letting patience take the driver's seat now.

And I finally understood why they say let go of all expectations and how rewards come when you least expect it.

Words & Language

Stringing 400 words into a compact critical analysis response is currently an uphill task for me.
It didn't help that the article is in English & though I've just finished fishing for related citations/articles from the e-journals, I find it a little hard to translate my thoughts with all its funny technical linguistic terms into a comprehensible Malay essay.

Language & Culture.
Coffee & Late nights.

What a start to a Saturday morning.

Addiction

It's pretty much obvious I need to stay away from Photoshop.

:: editorial ::



The new issue of Voices is out.
Though I'd be more than glad to continue my stint for the next two issues, I think its time to hand it over to my juniors.
Since we are embarking on another project. A literature magazine which is still in its infancy planning stage.

Happy National Day people.

:: Of phobia ::

Car has been fixed and the dad got me behind the wheels.
Its nerve wrecking I must say. Currently fearing my left side when it comes to driving and car parks. This might take awhile.

So today the man & I finally took time off to the bank.
And being the couple that could easily pass off as 'anak metro', we felt kind of out of place for a moment.
Nonetheless, its been settled.
Our baby step to planning our finances.

:: Interesting insights ::

It's always refreshing to gain new insights from the respective modules that we are currently undertaking.
On my favorite list thus far (being such a sucker for sociology) are the Multicultural Studies: Appreciating and Valuing differences, Readings in the Malay language education as well as Islam and the Malay society.

All these modules are new modules which indirectly makes all of us guinea pigs since there will be no such thing as past exam papers or such but I felt its an appropriate time for us to explore another realm of the Malay world.
While most of us had pretty much engaged in heated discussions on canonical literary texts last semester, this time round its a totally different ballgame.
And call me bias or sexist, having male lecturers also mean we are given more room to express our thoughts though it can lead to an uphill task of coming up with a research paper of personal topic choice and having to present it to the class.

Granted, at one point, all of us had gone through the real teaching experience. And though the experience remained etched in our memory, we do realize come next year as we stand in front of our class - our new students with all their idiosyncrasies will punctuate our lessons with endless questions which most of the time has got nothing to do with the syllabus.

While we are aware of this fact - how nanosecond search engines has replaced much of kids' learning. How then can we remain prepared to have all the responses to our students' curiosity at our fingertips?

Language teachers, for example, may have to face a new challenge.
Cultivating interest in the mother tongue language and making them understand its importance.
There's no such thing as forcing now. Kids are brought up to speak their mind and to ask what they don't comprehend.
And while back then, our parents could shut us up quite easily and smartly dodging our questions which they could not answer, kids now find that there should be a reason to everything & if you can't provide one, you lose your credibility in their eyes.

This semester. I am foreseeing a lot of 'eye opening' sessions with my lecturers as they delve into issues close to us yet we are simply ignorant about it.

Our first lecture on Islam and the Malay society. And the lecturer (as always) posed an interesting thought - Take for example, a student asked you 'Why can't we keep dogs?' or 'Why can't we eat Chinese food?'
Could we get away with replies like 'Because God say No.' or 'If you do such things, you will go to hell.'
As probably they can easily give a counter response 'Where is God?'

And while we are at it, it will be no longer a surprise to have teenage students coming up to you and claimed they are no longer virgins - how would you react to that?

I guess its time we understand that social conditioning pretty much influenced our community's perception on current issues. And how our generation may be handicapped if the voice of our intelligentsias are silenced or dismissed.

With new knowledge, comes greater responsibility.
And that's another challenge we will face one day.

:: Jump ::



Ain't no mountain high enough.

I'm loving my current modules.

:: Back to school ::

13 weeks altogether for this semester.
Take away a week for e-learning and another for recess, this should be one of our short semesters.
Though on our first day today, we were already jotting down assignment deadlines.
And readings are piling up.

The man had a timetable shift.
He will be teaching the afternoon session & afternoon session for us teachers can simply translate to 'no-life therein after'.
So in between his hectic schedule and mine, we are slotting in our dates. But like he said 'play it by the ear by'. Then I recall how time flies.

The man & I agreed that this is 'work our butts off ' period.
While I like the picture of him dining with me everyday or have him by my side every minute, I'd have to forgo that for now.
And as I planned my future travel trips with Layla (we are in a mission to island hop at Malaysia), I realized at present I'm happy with the space the man is giving me.

Oh well, like the dad always say 'no hurry. if he becomes your husband, you can see him everyday'.
How true. The best part of the not often meet-ups is that you got to miss.
And missing someone can only tell one thing - how much that person truly means to you.

Fine. I like the man to work hard because who knows in future I can spend part of his pay. Hahaha.
Shopping by. I love you too. Lol.

Playing matchmaker

So in the wee hours of the morning, my sleep was disturbed by a text message from a guy friend.
'Mira, remember that girl we saw at the computer lab. months ago - can you help me find her name?'
Apparently the last time we met this particular girl was nine months ago. And my friend forgot to pass his name card to her. So yesterday when he bumped into her again, he in his 'doofus-ness' did not get her contact number and like a typical step macho guy engaged a girl buddy (me) to help him in his search.
While I could recall her physical features, I totally could not remember her name.
But the paparazzi me managed to find her in the small Friendster world.
Let's just say that now my guy friend, the big guy who was once a former club leader & front man for his band yet shy when it comes to girls, is now on his own. :)

Then I was thinking about it.
In this modern age, do we really need a matchmaker to fix a date for us?
I know had not it been for a friend of mine, the man & I would never have gotten together. (And we still owe that friend a treat.)
I guess one way or another, an external force will somehow lead us to our partner.
Call it fate or destiny or mere coincidences - there's always a reason why we befriended people who eventually stay in our life as a good friend or as a special loved one.

Thank you my matchmaker. I owe you one.
And friend, good luck.

:: Its all in the brushes ::

Thanks to Aidah, I finally got to design my template using the many brushes I found on the net.

This should stay for awhile. I hope.

The Good Out of the Dent

My first accident encounter caused by overturning.
Even after hours, I'm still thinking about it.
Although its nothing serious, it kind of spooked me a little.

Friends know I have supportive parents.
But because they have always been as such, guilt is practically eating me right now.
Dad has always been my ''fixer" - even up till now where I sensed he's fighting his inner battle and having to deal this matter.
It was an eye opener though. As Dad 'activated' his social network and asked friends from the army for recommendations, senior warren officer & the army boy best friend of his came over and recount stories of worst accidents that they knew.

Then I remembered, every shit I faced - dad always got me out of it.
In the words of his army boy who helped me with my hostel transportation 'I'd do anything for your dad.'
I never knew the importance until I began to see for myself how at every wrong turn of event, Dad always has endless support.

So now, Dad had someone to accompany me to the workshop tomorrow.
I promise myself not to get behind the wheels until I settle the repair costs.
Thats the least I could do for the man I owe too much to.

:: DENTED ::

Its one of drivers' nightmare.
Thanks to my lack of judgment, I managed to hit a wall while making a left turn at the car park.
I'm fine though traumatized by the fact that I will be responsible for my back door's dent repair costs.
I supposed I won't be driving until I save enough moos to get it fix.
Lessons of 'every dollar counts.'

Grrrr.

:: People ::

I think I'd do well as a paparazzi, given the fact that stories often reach my ears before I had a chance to say 'No, I'm not interested.'
Feigning interest may be the only ticket out to not be lured by hearsays yet even the stubborn self did at times fall into temptation - only to discover that subconsciously I'll end up doing my own research & if possible get acquainted with the subject of the talk so that I can shake off such rumors.

Believe it or not, its a battlefield out there in the working world.
You'll never know who your enemies are until the comrades you trusted your life with walked away while you lay frail and helpless.

I love people. I enjoy networking. I like social gatherings.
But I learned there should always be a private haven within you which is off limits to people who finds pleasure in watching you fall.

Being true to yourself does not mean you don't have to listen to others.
Listening to others does not mean you have to compromise your true self.

You & I. We are flawed.
Expect the same from everyone else.

:: The Work Trip ::



Recounting my short work trip experience.
The journey began on Friday night.
I was a little apprehensive at the thought of spending more than ten hours in the bus at first.
But the ride was fine and I found myself enjoying the night's serenity while the bus cruised along the unlit Malaysia highways.
We checked in our hotel at seven the next morning only to be told that we had to sit in a whole day conference that will start at nine.


The first part of the conference saw me squirming in my seat as I tried to fight my sleepiness but the next round of paper discussions triggered a heated debate on Malaysia's move to change the term 'Bahasa Melayu' to 'Bahasa Malaysia'.
While here we took our mother tongue language for granted, being in the presence of people who lives and breathes the Malay language can put one to shame for not having pride in one's own language especially when one dismisses its importance by using irrelevance as a plausible explanation.



The paper discussions ended an hour later than scheduled.
So we had only half an hour break before we were scooted off to the state's cultural center.
It was a superb 'Malam Puisi Nusantara' with special live performances by M Nasir and Kopratasa.
And I was practically turned on by the Acheh's folk dance performance that I felt truly culturally enriched that night.
So we got to dine with the Dato's & Datin's as well as Tan Sri and we even had police cars escorted all of us back to the hotel from the cultural center.



But the highlight of the trip was when Lela and I conquered our tiredness and decided to check out the warungs.
So at 2 am, we wandered off to scout for a good chill out place.
We chit chatted over teh tarik and talked to some of locals tending the night warungs.
Apparently, the person who cooked my mi goreng is an 18 year old guy!
Warungs have a strange way of making me appreciate the little things in life.
How if given the right opportunities & education, will these hardworking mats thrive.
Its a humbling experience as me & Lela spent our early mornings chatting away, making the best of our short trip.

We did a little exploration around the hotel area and was treated to the local delights.




Keropok lekor babe!



Headed home by flight.
Its only an hour journey from Penang airport to Senai airport and that saves hours of traveling time.

:: Back ::



Safely home. :)

Work trip

All packed. Will be away for a work trip.
Till then.

Work

Finally, my prof. & I put everything together for Voices. From photo captions to headlines to text layout.
It was a grueling 6 hour working affair over emails. Me, my prof & the designers from the printing company.
It should be out probably next week.
My year stint as editor is coming to an end though with only two issues to boot, there was never a second of regret for being part of the Trainee Teachers' club.
When I came in, I had zilch knowledge of how things work outside my normal Malay organization that I've been working with.

But I realized had I not taken up my junior's offer to try out for this position (I recalled 'selling' myself in front of the other committee members), I would never have experience enjoyable working moments with people from different programs nor would I have the chance to exchange & explore ideas with my professor adviser and the opportunity to befriend the great people at NIE, working behind every event.

The foundation program people who helped me get through administrative work that I so loathe.
The emails I've sent to fellow contributors & me learning the art of 'chasing people'.
The crazy president who jokes & try to be serious at the same time - Shere, my great guy friend.

And truth is, had I not decide to commit myself to this club, I'd never get to know the man.

I love my work & I'm still chasing my dream - to start on Malay youth development programs one day.
And its a double bonus to have the man cheering me on. Though knowing the race to my dream may not promise a smooth journey, I'll take the risk and embrace new challenges.

Try. That's my new favorite word.

Enjoying the share of workload

Best Friend & I met over coffee to work on the design for her ad campaign.
Nothing beats having a best friend to share work ideas & stories with.
As always, stress or not she will look like a normal person while I turned into a messy-haired, puffy-eyed monster.

Best Friend's Sony Cybershot has a daylight function.
Blinding - terang nak mampos!

When size matters

Its always interesting to read articles on 'size' in women's fashion magazines.
Simply because there will be two camps making their stand on the size debate - one fighting for the 'curvy' women's rights while the other advocating the fact that skinny is attractive.
And while talk shows are trying to help increase plus sized females level of confidence, magazines are subconsciously dragging women's self-esteem downright to size zero by making thin models grace their covers.

That should explain why our confident self may at times be tempted to look at the mirror, scrutinize every inch of our body and ask ourselves (and our partners) the controversial question in every relationship 'Am I fat?' 'Do I have enough bosom?' 'Am I too skinny?'

If the mere sight of the infamous headline on size debates may cause you to flinch, try reading men's opinions on 'Skinny or Curvy?'
Always trust men to make things better or in this case, worst for us.
Notice their smug smiles when they say 'I like women in tight dresses and everything seems to fall nicely on her curves' or 'I would never want to be seen hugging a pole' or 'I like one with full bosom and tiny waist' (get a Barbie then!).

Sure, size 36-24-36 will get any normal sane guy drooling but how many of us are blessed with a figure perceived as perfect in the eyes of our society?
And while we are so bottled up thinking of our imperfect figure and throwing daggers at every slim female that breeze past us, why not turn the tables around?

Men (thanks to their naturally higher ego) are slightly spared from this size debate.
Tubby men have no qualms that they can attract women as easily as their other fit male counterparts.
How come we can excuse our men for opting to be a couch potato because we love them yet when we show potential to turn into a sack, we imagine signs of men's 'I'm-not-into-you'?

But if ask to fess up 'Abs or tubs?', I bet we women will much prefer the first.
Truth is, men and women have issues when it comes to weight but it's women who gets more affected by the size talk.

So the next time, he pinches your little flabs adoringly and yet you feel its an indication of him telling you that you are putting on weight, get an honest answer from him - because we women are at times guilty of being oversensitive when it comes to our own body.

Curvy or slim. It boils down to preferences.
It's health that we should place more concern on.

Sexy is a state of mind. I'd say the same for thin.

Missing Her

Best friend, I hope you have completed your assignment.
So we can meet tomorrow. Huahua

Meet the parents

I wish some doctor can do a lasic on my eyes.
I'm squinting as I'm typing away since my right eye is suffering due to a few maybes - either my lenses has neared the expiry date or it could just be the case of improper care of lenses.
So much for having big eyes, I am very much short sighted.

Reading Kat's entry somehow reminded me of the day I first met the man's mum.
See, the man & I got together after a week of getting to know each other.
And on the third day of our official couple-hood, he text messaged me, 'I told my mum I bringing a kawan home'. I know, sounds quite old fashion right. Kawan lah babe.
But the next thing I knew, I was already on my way to his place. I can still remember my nerves working against me & all sorts of thoughts came crashing to mind.
Will I make a good impression?
Am I decently dressed?

But it went well I think. His parents were great. As if sensing my nerves, his mum chatted away as if it's not the first time we met and the dad with his jokes got me laughing and I must say, it was a day worth remembering.
Then I met his cousins & grandmother. Definitely a small world since I found out the man & I had been attending the same primary school and madrasah. Hahaha.

I think it makes a lot of difference to be accepted by your significant other's family.
That sense of belonging that makes you treasure your loved one more.

So when his parents came up to meet my family after the convo yesterday and while they were talking away, the man despite his tiredness looked at me and smiled, all I could think of is 'Damn, if I ever screw up this relationship.'

That second I knew I could not ask for more.

Another Harry day

The man's convocation today.
I'm too tired for words.







I LOVE YOU BY. Cetz.

Vanity

It was time to re-stock my cosmetics.
Made a trip down to MAC and it took a lot of discipline to just purchase my much needed foundation although the line-up of new products were damn tempting.
So I checked out their website and I suddenly had this itch to buy at least one item each month - and right now, I had my eyes set on the eyeliners.
I'd say foundation, eyeliners and lip gloss are my essentials.

I feel very vain tonight. Lol.
And as usual trapped the man into answering ridiculous questions like 'What makeup should I purchase?' He had the gall to answer, 'Cheap ones.'
And the bonus question, 'Am I pretty?' (knowing the man I'm not expecting a yes). So I had to make do with the answer 'Ok leh - in my eyes.'
God only knows why I love this midget. Hahaha.

But I must admit the right makeup can make a girl look extraordinarily pretty.
Its like art, I supposed. Where the face is a canvas for creative expression.
Though I really hope that on my wedding day, I won't look cake-y for I know some brides after they were made-up, they were beyond recognition. Especially if the make-up don't match the right skin tone.
I prefer those which look clean, simple, flawless and natural. The make-up enhancing the natural beauty rather than creating layers to mask the original radiance.

I don't find myself ready to tie the knot.
Yet I like the idea of planning it.

Very confused. Dur. Sometimes I just think it comes being a Scorpio. Hahahaha

Home

I'm one who likes meeting new people.
And frankly, I enjoy socializing which explain why if my schedule permits, I will squeezed in lunch time dates with some of my favorite people.
But lately I found myself happy in my own shell.
And I began to realize how much I needed my alone time especially when my workload doubles up.
It makes no sense at first. Because I'm one who used to hate the idea of being cooped up at home. But nowadays, apart from school, I'd gone nowhere. And even though I'm dying to meet my best friend, I've been putting it off for quite awhile which seem quite a miracle since our friendship, despite the not-so-often meet-ups, is still holding on strong.

It is really getting to me. This withdrawal.
Of course, this little change is making my parents real happy. Mum worry less about what time I will reach home and Dad no longer has to tolerate mum paranoia when none of her kids came back on time.
But as I did my usual pondering-over-unnecessary-stuff, I came to terms with the real reason I found myself 'attracted' to home - Family.

Bro and I are having our holidays now. And it's a good thing since we are spending more quality sibling time. Picking mum up from work, lunching with Mum, dinner with Mum and Dad. It sort of binds the family together. And this bonding had led us to feel very much thankful for having been blessed with a wonderful set of parents.

My parents have their share of imperfections. But Mum and Dad, being the complete opposites complement each other very well that we never felt the lack of love at home & the most important thing of all - support & encouragement.

It's funny. When you were sixteen, you can't wait to be out of the house.
But entering adulthood puts thing into perspective.
Dad confessed, our wild teenage days had been an eye opener for him too - he learned the art of listening & as a father constantly reminded us that we are carrying his name wherever we go & if we screw up, he will be dragged into our mess as well.
And as a Dad, he's often in conflict of wanting to have a 'perfect' child and having to accept us for who we are.

Bro and I still need our friends.
But as we talked in the car yesterday and he turning 18, we agreed that if there's one thing God has blessed us with - its a wonderful set of parents.

And where do you think I'll be spending my Saturday?
You guessed it right.
Home sweet home.

Encounters

Nowadays I'm developing headaches whenever I board the bus.
So much for calling the man pampered when he claimed after having driven for a few years now, it gets uncomfortable to take public transport.

But today I opted for a bus ride to school.
Apart from the usual dizziness, I've been having weird encounters with strangers.
Like this afternoon, an Indo woman beside me turned to me and said, 'Kamu tahu ngak gi mana gue boleh mms?'
To which I replied, 'Waduh, gue ngak tahu sih. Ngak bisa mms sih. Tahu sms saja.'
We exchanged a few lines but I think she sensed my discomfort and called her friend instead.

And just a few weeks ago, on the way to tuition, a Thai woman who sat beside me in the bus asked for directions and she got a little chatty, 'I'm from Thailand.. You been to Thailand? I just come here yesterday.'

Am slowly starting to believe that my face has been imprinted with an invisible message 'MAIDS! Come talk to me!' Hahaha.

Talk about encounters.
Last week my tutee stormed into class shouting expletives 'Fuck. Cibai.'
Yeah, he was punished by the teacher next door so he came into my class venting his anger.
Teenagers are so full of angst nowadays. I can't understand why actually, not as if they have to work in some jungle to put food on the table.
Which reminded me of some secondary school mats at my void deck who cheekily asked if 'Kak, ada lighter?'

Haiz. Apa nak jadi?!
Weishemo! Weishemo!

My vocation

I'm easily moved by a lot of things.
Romantic novels that tell stories of long-lost love or new-found love and even sappy plots in movies.
It's an unfathomable contradiction since in real life I secretly vow to not let myself get carried away with emotions and the notion of being presented with flowers & everyday I-love-yous can give me a sick feeling in the stomach.

But today I learned, inspiring speeches is just one of the many things that moved me.

The valedictorians' speeches left a deep impact as it made me rethink of the vocation that I've chosen.
Teaching is a noble profession. But I believed its never the profession that's noble, its the individual whose been entrusted with the responsibility -of any job- that defines the real meaning of nobility.
I've seen some irresponsible people in the profession. I know a minority who sees it as a 'last resort' job. I'm acquainted to a few who finds that their workload is an ultimate burden.

Everyone is a teacher - and most of the time its to ourselves that we taught.
We learned from past mistakes and we taught ourselves to not repeat them.

Beyond the creative teaching techniques and the modern advances of IT, do we really have the heart to educate and nurture young minds?
Do we have high threshold of patience to guide slow learners & discipline the naughty ones?
Do we have the moral courage to impart values & to discuss ethics?
Do we have the emotional strength to not crumble at the slightest failure?
Do we have sufficient knowledge to make students interested in learning & not exams?
Do we have time to listen to every student's complaints, woes and problems?
Do we have enough wits to tackle every student's questions & smart ass responses?
Do we have what it takes to be a role model?

They say you must have passion in teaching.
Passion ignites as easily as it dims.
I'd say you must have a heart in teaching - and it's true, love may indeed conquer all.

Work Galore

I should have just kept my mouth shut when I complained that I was bored just the day.
Now, after attending two back to back meetings, I have more work than I could ask for.
Deadlines. Good luck to me.
Eventful Saturday. We rounded up our meeting and celebrated one of my committee members 69th birthday.
I have quite a few old men in my committee. Last I check, all of them were retired (rich) ex teachers & veteran writers whose old enough to be called my granddad.

The timetable's up and I'm very happy with it.
No school on Friday. Two hour lecture on Wednesday.
But a packed Tuesday - though the 10.30 start and a few hrs break in between makes the timetable look 'manageable'.
We'll see. Judging by the list of lecturers we'll be getting this year - all male - I think we will go back to being the geeky researchers working our butt off to complete endless assignments.

The man has a crazy schedule at the moment.
It's been a week now since I met my midget.
And because besides trying to get a pile of work done, I'm missing him - so I did what I'm good at. Irritate the hell out of him.
'By, want to meet when? Next year?'
'Over and out. Midget you there?'
'Hello? Are you in New Zealand?'

Haha. He got the hint although it took a lot of self-control not to turn into a whiny desperate girlfriend who sounds attention deprived. But he promise me a lunch, thats good enough.
And I know he made a good point when he said 'I can't wait to see how you start work - who will be in New Zealand then?' Haha. Too bad ler by - this is the post effect of a good 3 mth holidays.

Of thoughts

Had it not been for my curiosity to understand how the human mind works as put into theoretical frameworks by people who had conducted social experiments based on human behaviors, I think I'd be a less forgiving person.

Although such reads provide logical reasonings to why people act as such, the insight gained may not necessarily help me fathom the same issues - discussed in print - if its applied to the real context.
The best sound & rational explanation sociologists could give is that humans have been (blessed or cursed) to be imperfect - oh, don't we all know that.
These imperfections, manifested in different forms, have been said to be more evident if its seen from another's eyes.
Simply because most of the time, we humans are blind when it comes to seeing our mistakes.
And more often than not, we created our own comforting lines to justify our actions.

In this century it may translate to 'nothings really good or bad or even right or wrong' - it's just what your code of principle you choose to live with.
But the right to your own mind demands another level of introspection.

As emphasized by my academic writing tutor - sure its your intellectual property & granted you may have a freedom of speech but could you exercise it responsibly?
I remembered that tutorial where questions were shot back at her, if we have the right to write what we want, why must there be academic conventions that we have to conform to?
My tutor is one with a quick wit, twisted a little bit of our mindset & asked back the same question I found myself pondering about -

If everyone wants to say their piece, who's going to listen?


It doesn't take a genius to understand that the social experiments conducted spoke of one big problem faced by the human race - communication breakdown.
Wherein lies the missing puzzle - what could have gone wrong as we proudly embrace technological advances?

Dad and I had our usual discussion over tea. Some days it takes hours & today was one of them.
My dad works with NS men - which means he handles young men. Eventually stories of his boys will be brought up during our conversations and in the span of two weeks, he had to witness yet another marriage falling apart because of financial issues that finally triggered to the husband having an affair without thinking of his one year old kid and his pregnant wife.

Dad is a chauvinist (and a stubborn one) told me 'It's women who hurt their own female counterparts'.
Of course, I said - its men who couldn't keep their eyes and hands to themselves.
But dad proved a point.
When had it become normal to head for a divorce if a slight misunderstanding went wrong?

Dad said a lot of it boils down to communication.
You may speak different languages and perceived things differently but there should be a way you could meet halfway and compromise.
When it comes to relationships, albeit any forms, communicating may simply mean spending a little of your time listening to another person baring his/her soul to you.
In our usual cases, often we forgot to ask the million dollar question 'Why did you do as such?'

For despite our wrongs which we believed to be rights, we have our reasons to justify our actions - it's just people don't ask for them.

And if we go back to the most convenient truth that describe humans -
Imperfection is second nature to us - it makes us no worst or better than another.

When it gets a little too boring

I've been leading quite a mundane life of late.
Sleeping in the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up just in time to see noon.
After which I will check my emails and then picked mum up.
I'll summed up my current mood - Boring.

Yea, I still have work to do. Just a little more to go before the completion of articles to be included in this upcoming Voices issues.
Now I'm reading the valedictorians' speeches.
How does it feel to speak in front of a crowd and representing your cohort?
I'd think its nerve-wrecking man.
Maybe I'll just ask the valedictorians.
And the GOH speeches?
I sat for three investitures to hear the same content; just different mode of delivery.
Just so you know, public relations write speeches most of the time, and not necessarily the GOH.

Running late for my meeting. Toodles.

Still under construction.
:)

Tuesday

I was beyond exhausted last night.
The day started with the man's investiture. Catching up with his parents was fun & I got to meet Kat and Shikin.



At night saw me driving around with the girls.
Instead of our planned karaoke session, we headed to Clarke Quay and had our usual lepak session along the river.
And they practically spent half the time trying to solve a mathematics question!
Maths geeks.
But it was good as we shared the current happenings of our life - Rhino & Lenny recounting stories of kindergarten & childcare kids, Farah and her camps, Fit and her 'tourist attraction' jobs, our future & the topic of 'in-laws', I realized how important my friends are in my life.

Budding Success

Come tomorrow and the following two days, I will witness yet again, another batch of graduating NIE students in their Harry Porter garb as they recite their teacher's pledge, bid farewell to good campus memories and embrace a brand new challenge in the working world.

I was part of the hundreds who took the pledge last year and boy, that day was a memorable one as I recalled the pounding of my heart, swelling in pride for having to finally complete a leg of the learning journey.
Granted, time invested in studying take years but the few seconds on stage, shaking hands with the guest of honor as you accept the folder can mean so much.
And I'll anticipate proud-looking parents & partners tomorrow.

Part of my responsibility when covering investitures is to interview students who have excelled in both their academic pursuits and active involvements.
This year, I had the chance to get an up close and personal interview with the valedictorian who was one of the two students who attained a first class honors and is also a recipient of numerous awards.
Coincidentally, this same girl is one of my favorite colleagues back then during my Practicum days.
I've always known her silly&crazy side. But she, I must say, despite her petite frame had so much courage and confidence to take on new challenges, even if it means exploring the unfamiliar.
It was a weird interview since we were so used to informal chats.
And so I had to resort to email and as I read her responses last night, it's no wonder she got to where she is right now.

But for now, I have to put together an article of her and for once, I really do feel proud of my friends who's graduating this year, friends whom I've seen both their professional and personal side.

Enjoy your Harry Porter day. :)

Mr Grumps

It was the usual whine - 'By. Dad asked me to drive and he's nagging about directions man.'
The reply came in a few seconds later, 'You wait. I'm making noise at my sister for waking up late.'
So when I later told him how I envisioned my future being the victim of 'noisy' men, all he had to offer was 'good luck to you.'

Good luck, indeed.
I think its not exactly true when they say only women nag.
I have my share of nagging men, worst they are the two men dear to me.
So is there really something wrong with me or is it just their way of showing how much they care?
Take for example, just the other day when I told the man about the headaches I've been getting whenever I'm on a bus ride, the man practically analyzed the whole situation and listed me (in numbers, no less) why I might be having a headache. One, he said, it's because of my irregular sleeping hours. Two, he explained, I just started driving and it's normal a switch to public transport might cause the discomfort. Three, he said, I've been waking up way too late.

Me, being me (who is accustomed to such nags and have learned the 'silent' technique) chose to keep quiet and gave my irritating 'Hehe' reply.
Of course, it worked with Dad and it's working with the man too when he finally surrendered and in his defeated tone told me 'I lazy to advice already. You never listen.'
Hohoho.
Don't blame me by. Your mother say you got 'dua pusat' on your head. I also got hor.

Point is - men, they just love solving our problems.
As much as I keep telling my favorite men that I just need to 'whine' without anyone telling me what to do next, why it happened and so on, they will just give me a blank stare that in my woman's mind translates 'then, why you tell me your problems if you don't want me to help fix them?'

But now I've mastered a new trick.
Before whining, I add my disclaimer '... Just listen to me. Hold your thoughts until I asked for them...... '.
It has not guaranteed a hundred percent success since well, its stubborn men I'm talking about.

The one thing I've learned though, laugh the matter off (not serious ones please) if you want to avoid flaring up in temper or screaming your emotions out in the form of a bitch fit.

Oh yes, I'm an advocate of peace and harmony. I wish, that is. :)

Daddy's date

At times I don't know whether I'm blessed or cursed to have stubborn men in my life.
Today was a date with the dad to the NDP preview.
We opted for a ride instead of a drive. As usual when he turned and said 'today you will enjoy two things - one the preview. two, the ride', it sure meant he will play his alter ego role as the hell rider.
My dad never quite understood the phrase 'slow down'.
Even his major w. officer could contest to that.

This year's NDP is simply spectacular.
A performance that keeps you on the edge & quite a lot of suspense I must say.
With the navy boats on the sea, the helicopters hovering across the sky & the army tanks on the land synchronizing to make one big entrance, I'd say my eyes couldn't glue to a specific area.
Everything just appeared out of nowhere!

And of course, the choreography was superb.
The lighting effects couldn't get any better.
It's like sitting in a big concert.







Ok dad. I had fun. Thank you for the tickets. :p

Itching

I had my html itch yet again.
Settled for this after the first itch, I came up with a layout that clearly spells narcissistic with all my images plastered at every angle.
I'm bemused by the fact that the man said how scary it's getting when more upper primary girls came up to him telling him so and so likes him.

I sat down thinking of the fate of my future.
A year more before I face the teenage mob with their teenage angst & hormonal change issues.
Well, it sounds even more frightening when friends looked at my size and went, 'confirm kena bully'.

What can I say. Like it or not, that's the commitment I've pledged to.
And hell, I hope I can handle it when it comes. :)

:: UP AND RUNNING ::

We're loving it HERE.

:: AND HE LANDED HIS SECOND BOMB ::

He's unpredictable and he makes me fall crazily in love with him over and over again even though he will never do as what I tell him to or say the things I want him to say.
Hahaha.
So when he said his once in a blue moon 'I love you' before he left our conversation, I thought I was talking to the wrong person.


سليمان says:
ok logging off...pop pill n watch prison break
MIRA says:
okies drugiie
MIRA says:
haha
MIRA says:
bye by
سليمان says:
u noe wat
MIRA says:
wt?
سليمان says:
i love u
MIRA says:
SHIT
سليمان says:
HAHAHAHA
MIRA says:
am i hearing u ryt?
سليمان says:
dur
MIRA says:
haha
MIRA says:
oh my god
MIRA says:
haha
MIRA says:
k love
سليما says:
you tok kok
MIRA says:
hehe
سليمان says:
adios amigo
MIRA says:
bye el nino

:: A BRAND NEW SEMESTER ::

Altogether, I have six modules to complete this semester.
It sounds much better that the original seven since one module will be pushed forward to the last semester.

I've been doing Malay & Literature studies for about 5 years now.
But on every module registration day, I'll anticipate modules that have to do with society.
I'm a sucker for that.
And this semester, I'm not disappointed.
There's the multicultural studies : appreciating and valuing differences modules, Islam and the Malay Society which will discuss Islamization of the Malays in the past and contemporary period, the conditioning of the Malay value system and the influence of Islam on Malay ideas in education, aesthetics, community life and economic ethos module as well as Readings in Malay Language Education which will look into the social construction of the language curriculum, bilingual and multilingual education, language and culture, language and ethnicity, language and cognition as well as globalization and issues surrounding the role of Malay language.

Foreseeing a hectic semester since the other three modules involve linguistic studies.

Just in case you are interested to pursue Malay studies in NIE, visit this site.

:: MY LATE NIGHT ::

I still owe best friend another script.
I am half way through chasing the contributors.

And I just went into another round of template therapy.
That felt good.

Coming your way. The best friend & I will soon put our thoughts together here.

:: BETWEEN CHEESY, LAME & CATCHY ::

Sitting at my favorite StarBucks with a Mocha Frap. in hand, I took my own sweet time to find interesting headlines for the interviews that I've conducted.

A good hour passed by and I could only come up with these -

'Service learning is not just about community-involvement projects. 12 year old Tasneem Hardie from Keming Primary School shed a new light on what service learning truly means.'

'The beauty of learning lies beyond the textbook and for the SLC team, its through rendering their services to others that they find the true satisfaction of learning. Voices catch up with former SLC chairperson, Muhd Sulaiman Othman and his committee members, Mohd Salim & Arivalagan as they recount their experiences and share their insights on how in the process of service, they unravel the true beauty of learning.'

'The sight of familiar venues may not necessarily capture the same old fond memories for each brand new day, a whole new experience awaits. James Chan tells us why the familiar may never be the same again as he returns to NIE,to 'refuel, retreat & renew' himself.'


And if there's one thing I learned from this whole thing, is that there's a thin line that separates cheesy, lame & catchy.

I'm more appreciative of journalists now and mass comm students, I have to hand it to you for being creative geniuses when it comes to words. Trust me, I sucked at this.

:: NOW, FOR THE EVENING RAMBLE ::

The very much due run.
TOTAL TIME : 44 minutes 33 seconds
BREAK TIME : 12 minutes 04 seconds

ROUTE :

Jelapang - Petir Road - Dairy Farm Road - Chestnut Drive - Petir Road - Jelapang

Today was one of my favorite runs since I impulsively decided to change my planned route and went into one of the Chestnut Drive roads and boy, the houses there were damn huge complete with big brass gates & swimming pools.
I was clearly lost but one house led to another, I was enjoying a full twelve minute of dreaming to own one of such houses (which of course will continue to stay in my dreams unless I won a lottery or something).

But I think I like venturing new routes. See where the newly opened Bukit Batok road will lead me to next.

My best friend. She has a way of making me feel I should never refuse her request. :p
Working on two scripts for her Malay week & how can I not refuse when she hit on my guilty spot. 'Treat it as my birthday gift best friend.' Hahaha. Dodol Nurul Jannah.

:: LADY OF LEISURE AFTERNOON RAMBLE ::

I don't know about you.
But I have a strange relationship with my mom - it's the kind you know you love her a lot but when she over nags, you feel like taking to your heels or if it really gets to your nerve, you wish you are a magician who can do disappearing acts.

Yes, that's how I will sum up my relationship with mom.
She refused to let me be like her during her younger days which I supposed must be quite a wild one, judging by old pictures & her social activities - she even got to model part time & in dad's words (throughout their ten year courtship before tying the knot) 'I love to bring your mum around because my friends think shes good-looking.' Yerlah father.

But two decades later & having to bring up two teenagers, Mom made a 360 degree change. More conservative & traditional - she wants a pious daughter (which I'm not, frankly speaking).

That aside.

These days I find myself getting closer to her.
Maybe because both of us are getting old (cetz) & on my part, I make it a point to fetch her from work everyday & drive her to the places she wants to go - the usual grocery shopping & my mom is wise enough to drop big hints of me having to do all the domestic chores sooner or later and as she cleverly puts it, it's time I prepare myself if I decide to have my own home.

I think my parents & the man has a conspiracy.
For just the other day, the man casually suggested 'why not set aside part of our earnings into one account.'
See, if you are the type of person who believes in taking each day as it is & you made it quite clear to yourself that you don't wish to plan for big things if you are not financially stable, such a suggestion coming from a beloved feels as if a bomb just dropped inside your brain & you are caught in between two extreme emotions - excitement & fear.

Can I bring myself to leave the comfort of my bedroom & share a new one with another?
Can I give up my personal space & have another planning for me to do 'we' things together?
Can I still read a book before I go to sleep & not disturb the person on the other side of the bed?
Can I sleep & wake up as and when I feel like it?
Can I feed another person & not let someone's son go hungry?
Can I make sure our home is where he feels best at?
Can I pay all my bills on time, now that its our house?
Can I love him enough to make him believe it's me that he wants to come home to everyday?

I'm not overtly concerned how my big day will be like - so long I know my groom will don a three piece Hugo Boss or Armani suit with cool sneakers.
Or the turn out of my 'hantaran' - for I've decided we should try giving vouchers instead, imagine lumping a 500 bucks Nike voucher & 500 Topman and maybe Adidas, that should save the trouble of finding the things you think your beloved likes.

I've been sneakily finding ways to break free from the traditional norms.
But for now, I've run out of excuse to not plan for the future even if it means taking baby steps.

Now that the bomb has landed, I supposed I can still convince the man, 'we'll take whatever that comes - each day as it is.'

I'm that disillusioned sometimes. :)

:: THE FLEA MARKET ::

The weekend simply breezed through.
But I enjoyed both work & fun with the girlfriends.
Granted, I knew I had to attend the youth meet but it slipped my mind that I had to be part of the panel. Very much unprepared though thankfully I only had to do my little bit of sharing the experience.



Was in the mood for an impulsive shopping session.
And since Len was attending to one of her friend's stall at the Flea Market, Rhino and I headed to Home Club and boy, we turned greedy. Maybe not her, just me and I made quite a few purchases.
Cheap cheap. Dress to pants to shirts, all costing less that ten bucks each.
I swear I am now a self proclaimed budget queen.



It was good. But we missed the rest of the girls.

Farah. Karaoke sih. Bila dong?

:: THE CONVINCING TRUTH ::

Rounded up the interviewing process.
And in my short stint as editor for the school's newsletter, I'd learned that the other scope of my work also involved 'chasing' the contributors.

The best thing about holidays is that you have time to enjoy afternoon TV especially famous talk shows like the Oprah Winfrey on Hall Mark channel, the Ellen DeGeneres show on Star World and Larry King Live on CNN.
I'm a fan of talk shows simply because I've always enjoy the discussions as well as seeing how guests respond to questions posed by the interviewer.
In a nutshell, one must possessed a quick wit if one is invited to be on the hot seat.

Paris Hilton was on Larry King Live today.
The famous socialite recounted her experience serving her jail term & that got me to reread her 'Confessions of an Heiress Paris Hilton, a tongue-in-chic peek behind the pose'.
And I quote 'When you get hurt, life gets very real, and then you have to stop and put the world in focus. I'm glad I was forced to do that this year. There's been a huge shift in my self-perception and the way I look at the world.'
Even though this might just be part of some interesting lines to sell a book, I thought it was worth pondering especially coming from someone whom the world sees as one who had everything come so easily for her.

If you believe you lack a good quality in yourself, stop grimacing or you'll end up losing yourself in a distorted belief that imperfection is a crime.
Man, equipped with his/her own survival instincts, are always cautious of people around them.
We may think, if we are not careful, we might get hurt & hurt is not something we can handle easily.
People hide vulnerability in many ways.
Some shines their qualities & tell the world how good they are while others simply prefer to take the back seat & confide in others their insecurities rather than risk being called an overconfident or selfish person.

Which ever way you choose to mask your fears when it comes to dealing unfathomable issues in life, has it always been easier to share them with one who seem to be able to understand you?
And how often do we, in our attempt to shove accusations, relied on the infamous explanation 'I don't care what people say cause they don't know the real me?
Come on, I believe you and I had been guilty of that.

The fact that our loved ones excuse our flaws because they believe the good in us may just oversimplify the real us.
Had it not been for conformity & laws, reason & logic, emotions & feelings, could we truly take the full credit for being good - the good son/daughter, the good student, the good friend, the good partner?

In our short lifespan, its impossible to know the real person residing in the souls of people around us. Heck, we are at times clueless of our real self.
So the infamous explanation may work after all - if lashing tongues manage to spread the word around, magnifying our shortcomings & flawed character.

The lesson is, I guess - simply about staying true to yourself. By that, I mean, learning & growing from the symbiotic relationships you have between you & nature as well as you and other fellowmen.
Maybe that way, you will start believing that there is good in you & everyone around you.

And whose been triggering me with the unnecessary thoughts & had partially convinced me that we are actually sanes living in an insane society?

Eric Fromm when he said,
'However unreasonable or immoral an action may be, man has an insuperable urge to rationalize it, that is, to prove himself and to others that his action is determined by reason, common sense or at least conventional rationality. He has little difficulty in acting irrationality, but it is almost impossible for him not to give his action the appearance of reasonable motivation.'

That is so true.

:: WORDS ::

Six months to the deadline for the novel writing competition.
Reached the 10k word mark but am still short of 5000 words.
It's funny how after countless of times proofreading my own writing, editing my own words - I came to realize I was not only writing about myself but also people who meant a lot to me, those who had all these years confided in me and yet I let them be because I know my two cents of worth only temporarily reassure but can never be a quick fix to a tricky situation.

D is going to giver her second opinion on my first shot to novel writing & throughout the years of knowing her (we've been classmates since we were 13, back then in Crescent), I'd say she is the one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Had it not been for her, my time in school could just be a normal, empty one. Thanks love.


Best friend. You have always been part of my story. :)

“Ironis bukan? Dalam optimisme kamu ada pesimismenya,” Rita berpendapat.

“Maksud kamu?” Aalinah bertanya, keliru dengan kenyataan sahabatnya itu.

“Maksud aku. Engkau yakin dengan kekuatan diri kamu tapi keyakinan itu diselindungi di balik alasan yang tiada milik kita yang kekal. Engkau seolah menyerah pada takdir. Reda dengan situasi, tidak mahu memperjuangkan apa yang sepatutnya menjadi hak kamu,” Rita berkata.

“Tidak semua yang pernah menjadi milik kita harus dipertahankan Rita. Termasuklah hubungan kasih-sayang lelaki dengan wanita. Jika benar sedaya upaya kita telah cuba membinanya tetapi pihak yang lain tidak mahu meletakkan usaha, patutkah kita terus menghukum diri dengan menyatakan bahawa kita boleh memperbaikinya lagi jika berusaha dengan lebih tekun.

Itu membunuh diri Rita. Bukan secara literal. Tapi ia membunuh keyakinan, semangat perjuangan dalam diri untuk terus hidup. Apakah perlu kita memperbaiki setiap kesalahan orang dan menganggap kesalahan itu milik kita juga?

Aku rasa tidak, Rita. Ada perkara yang aku redha tapi ada perkara juga yang aku tahu aku ada kuasa untuk mencoraknya. Kejayaan aku, kebahagiaan aku juga kesenangan aku – itu yang aku harus pertahankan,” Aalinah menjelaskan prinsipnya.

‘Malam ini, sepi menjadi saksi hancurnya suatu perasaan. Biarlah airmata terus mengalir. Biarlah aku mendakap kesedihan ini. Untuk apa aku terus membendung emosi yang juga berhak atas diriku. Aku perlu kuat. Aku perlu teguh. Tetapi malam ini, biar kulenyap dalam kelemahanku tatkala kekuatan itu akan bangkit semula setelah aku berani bertentang dengan kedukaan hari ini.’

:: ANOTHER BABY IN THE HOUSE ::

This year, I've gotten more baby shower invites than weddings.
D and I visited our old friend who gave birth last month to a healthy cute baby boy.
She's the gangster buddy that had seen my ups and downs years back then. It's so fun to see her becoming a mother, changing diapers & watching soap operas like she claimed she was now 'a lady of leisure'. Lol.

Congrats to you dear. Her son is as gusto as her. He didn't cry much and judging by that cheeky smile which he gave us when we called him 'handsome' boy, I think he will grow up a 'heart breaker'.

I'm still quite jittery when it comes to babies.
But I can't wait for D to give birth and see how Asnor junior will look like. Lol.

:: the motto ::

Over the Msn, the man & I chatted.
And then he asked, 'By look - my nick. That is going to be my new motto man. What do you think?'
Always trust the unpredictable man to come up with weird things out of nowhere.
(Trust me, if a boyfriend makes you a running training log together with an objective, that is well I suppose, unpredictable)
So his new motto now is 'Winning is secondary. Learning is priority'.
What do I think?
I think everyone has a right to lead a life according to their own principles, so long it doesn't endanger anyone around them.
Yes, very much a politically right answer. Then again, what is right and what is wrong?

This is the part where a relationship takes on a whole new level.
Sharing your deepest ambition (even if you think its a damn stupid one) with another person whom you've pledged the unspoken commitment to.
So I told him, I daydreamed and in it, I saw the man & I opening our own charity trust fund for children in need.
To which he replied 'Oh you mean, the Henry & Saloma trust fund?'
(He's still gloating about that Henry-look-alike and a friend of mine smartly left a comment on my friendster picture in three simple words 'Henry & Saloma?' which he finds it amusing and when he had the chance to, often teased me with that.)

The man has always been my practical 'reasoner' which balances the dreamer me.
I don't deny the truth when he lay out the facts, 'You can't change the world by. There's only so much you can do but if you can change a mindset within the power granted to you, then I'd think you have accomplished what you have set out to do.'

Which then strikes me, am I right to believe that you got to have power to empower?

Put it this way.
Between Oprah and a fisherman who decides to discuss the topic of child slavery - whom would you prefer to listen to? I think Oprah stands a higher chance of getting her points come across.

From what I observed and from my little experience interviewing 'high-profile' people, they all know what they are doing and am good at what they are doing.
So to speak, a strong conviction to what you are standing up for is primarily essential when it comes to making a difference or directing a change of mindset.

Like I told the man - I had not intended to change the world. But having to deal with children from your own race who had no choice but to look up to their irresponsible adult parents as role models, opening windows of opportunities for them may just be the ticket out of a poverty cycle that had claimed their rights to dream for a better future.

But for now, the least I could do is be on the ground and continue to learn for if I intend to direct a change of mindset, I have to, first change my own mindset that undoubtedly had been clouded by irrational bias and irresponsible poor judgments.

And I hope the man will stick to his new motto and the ideals he had set for the children he's responsible for.

Oh well, who knows the Henry & Saloma trust fund might come true?
I told you I like to dream.

'The fact that millions of people share the same vices does not make these vices virtues, the fact that they share so many errors does not make the errors to be truths, and the fact that millions of people share the same forms of mental pathology does not make these people sane.'
- Eric Fromm's 'The Sane Society'

:: the fairy tale ::

Ever since Henry made the move to join the Barcelona team, the man had endlessly recounted incidences of colleagues jokingly asking him 'why the sudden move?' and of course, being the thick-skinned man that he is (though he persistently denied such description of his character) , had the gall to answer 'They pay me more.'

So he claimed most of his friends told him he resembled Henry.
And I, being the most insensitive girlfriend of the century, agreed to that statement not before adding the remark, 'Yerla by. Henry boyan version'. (No offense to the proud Boyanese people out there.)

The man & I squeezed in time for lunch.
His timetable was finally out and I could tell, judging my his excitement, he's pretty much satisfied with the current schedule.
For one who will be paid more than 3k a month to teach non core subjects, such a timetable is like a God's miracle gift or something.
You worry less about marking & students' results and the good thing is you will have time to make the best out of your specialization & interest.
But we both know, this arrangement is a temporary one. Come next year, I can bet on money that he will be in charged of a form class.
'Nasib kamu byyyyyy.'

An old friend of mine had finally gotten engaged. Congrats to you Suzi.
And right now, I'm itching to pen my thoughts about every girl dreams (I didn't use women for I know bad experiences can make a woman flinched at the notion of tying the knot) to get married.

I am the product of the society's common mindset.
Which in turn had made me once believe that when a girl grows up, she will marry and live happily ever after.
This is true if you are 6 and your mother constantly let you read fairy tales, you can't help but lose yourself in that 'prince charming-come-for-you-and-gallantly-brought-you-back-to his castle' fantasy.

Parents, as wise as we hoped them to be, wants a happy ending for their children's life story.
But how often were we told, in the process of our growing up years, to fish for the right person?
Would it be less painful if from the start our parents had issued us a list of 'men/women-you-should-stay-away-from' instead of letting us experienced the whole messy process which if it turned out real bad, shaped us to one who swore off love & succumb to the harsh reality that happy endings only happened to characters in stories, not people?
But we can't blame them, could we. Our parents are not psychics and they too, had once been young and knew getting there means having to stick together through thick and thin.

I am a fan of romance novels. And it's nice to see that there are people out there who still believes that everyone deserves a happy ending.
Cinderella found her happiness because her prince charming had the patience & make an effort to look for the girl who fits into the glass slippers that he found.
Snow White had to die before prince charming came to claim her as his bride.
If there's one thing to learn about fairy tales that is applicable to life, it's the simple fact that if you really want it, you have to work for it.
And no, you don't need to lose your slippers (because our modern man might not have ample time to go around finding the perfect fit) and no you don't have to die in the hands of your cruel stepmother before someone kisses you and bring you back to life.

The modern fairy tale has a little twist to it.
Princesses no longer need to be rescued to have a happy ending.
Princesses no longer spend her days sitting & waiting for the right man to claim her.
Because modern men are not prince charming, (yes they charm their way into your life and in some cases smartly charm their way out of it too) for most fear the prospect of saving a woman because it means having to face difficulties and some even find the idea of saving as a sign of weakness.
And now it doesn't take a genius to know that the little twist is that a happy ending does not necessary mean walking down the aisle and having a truckload of cute kids, but the feeling of content having to live and enjoy each every minute of your time doing things you love and whit those whom loved you.

So the next time any makcik asked you the bonus question 'When is your turn?'
You have many ways to reply - one, show of your sweetest grin and don't utter a word or if you are very cruel, the next time you attend a relative funeral and happened to see the same makcik whose been bugging you with the question, tapped her shoulders and asked 'When is your turn?'
That should get her off your back for a very long time.

But for now, the man & I will be happy to answer, 'Lepas awak.' or 'Tunggu cik sponsore' or 'Wait long long' or the safest will be, 'Insyaallah, kalau ada jodoh'.

Come on, I've yet enjoy my couple-dom to the fullest. :p

:: the lunch ::

Ritz Carlton Millenia.

The unglamorous.



The colleagues.



The favorite mobster.
In the men's world, I am very much vertically challenged!



Jannah was there as well, far on the other side.
But I got to meet my favorite boy, Rizky.





Finally I got to watch Hady and Taufik performed live.
They are so damn popular that the makciks were behaving like infatuated groupies. Lol.

:: a toast to my favorite girl ::

The other day, she earnestly popped up the bonus question to which of course she was expecting a logical reply - 'What would you do if you were in my shoes?'
She forgot that her best friend is anything but logical so she had to make do with the answer, 'Darling, I would love to be in your shoes but I'm afraid we wear different sizes.'
It's downright bitchy, I know. But the best friend knows how much our friendship is built upon frank & tactful remarks and my bitchy answer could only mean one thing - 'I don't even want to pretend I feel what you feel.'

She is one heck of a strong lady despite her sudden emotional outburst which of course, only happened when she's all alone in her bedroom with her bears (that she talked to everyday), while thinking of the unnecessary.
She's not a whiner and neither is she a quitter.
And at times, a pang of regret washed over me as I recalled moments when I told her to keep having faith which she apparently did - the blind faith that nearly killed her optimism & her desire to love.
It's sad to be sailing your own love boat only to know that your best friend is figuring out a way to rescue herself from drowning after the tragic 'capsize' of her own.

Heck, but it got us to stick to each other like glue.
It got us to think of the little things that we've took for granted.
But most importantly, it got us to rethink of the word 'appreciate'.
I told her, her good looks could be a curse for she keeps attracting the wrong men.
Though we went through this and decided we are partly to blame for the wrongdoings in our previous relationship and the tears that we shed are simply payback to the sins we had committed.

The best friend & I tell each other what needs to be told.
But we had never once judged each other's actions.
It's a simple principle that we believe in; pointing other's flaws only mirrors our own.
I am in no position to let her know what and who is truly deserving of her and neither has she the right to tell me how to run my own life.

Troubled as she is right now, I still want her to be happy on her birthday.

And of course she knows her best friend is broke on her birthday, yet again. :p

I heart thee love.

:: interviewing in progress ::

I've been cracking up my brain coming up with questions for the interviews.
It's a good thing best friend is in mass comm so at least I get a second opinion & her blunt honesty, that is.
Her World helps too.
My problem with words is, I get too carried away easily which eventually leads me to sounding like an old nag who beats around the bush.
So crafting a question that can spark an interesting response using economical words is definitely a BIG challenge.

Finally got to reading Eric Fromm's 'The Sane Society'

He threw a question that's rather provoking.

'Can we be so sure that we are not deceiving ourselves? Many an inmate of an insane asylum is convinced that everybody else is crazy, except himself. Many a severe neurotic believes that his compulsive rituals or his hysteric outbursts are normal reactions to somewhat abnormal circumstances.
How about ourselves?'

:: the ultimate girl power ::

I was helping out at the NIE registration just now and had a chance to meet old acquaintances & secondary school friends who will be joining the fraternity soon.
Welcome, welcome. Hehe.

Working with staff outside the education world has always been a pleasant experience for me as I begin to see that everyone has a role to play no matter who and where you are.
It's always interesting to mingle and then have something to take away from short interactions.
Somehow it goes to show no matter how highly or lowly you think of yourself, there is someone who is better than you and at the other spectrum, someone who is less fortunate than you.

Squeezed a little time for gym - the 20 minute run, miraculously, managed to re-energize the tired body and I'm quite surprise, its making me mentally awake too.
My usual routine after gym will be to head down to my favorite coffee shop outside school and the man joined me awhile later after spending half a day playing soccer with the boys.
I think men are less grumpy after sweating out in the field. Tested and proven.

He threw a careless remark during our conversation which I took as a real compliment.
Somewhere along the lines of - you not only act tough but you are one tough lady.
I know the man well enough to not expect flowery words or you-are-the-most-beautiful girl kinda thing; heck that's an outright lie since we both very well know I can never match Nadya Hutagalung's beauty or even Jessica Alba great body.
So to be told I am a tough lady according to his definition really caught me off guard, though the stupid thing was I did not question it further and only began to realize a while later that the remark has indeed aroused my curiosity.

I won't call myself tough since in everything I do, a man's support has always been one of the driving force that keeps me going.
I am still dependable on men despite enjoying my personal time.
And I pretty much think I do find it interesting having a fun banter between me and the man, to see the ego trying to win in every situation and finally compromising for the better as well as witnessing the ambitious nature of men pursuing their goals can really tell how the higher level of testosterones in men truly separates us from them.

Can we really live without men?

Feminists have convincingly proved that men are really not necessary since tests conducted have shown that a group of scientists experimenting with mice have managed to come up with a way for mice to reproduce without needing the sperm.
Interesting thing is, it is possible for human too.

With due respect to the fight for gender quality, I must say the thought of conceiving without the intimate act of love is not something I look forward to.
If there's one thing a man is good at (provided you have been blessed with a responsible one), I'd say it would be to offer a sense of protection.

Having a good cry on a man's shoulders.
Having a stronger pair of hands to hold from falling.
Having a practical reasoning to overcome emotional impulses.
Having a breadwinner to support.
Having a father figure to lead.

May just be some of the things we appreciate them for.

But truth is, it's never a breeze to find pleasure in all the above if there is never an understanding on the roles each has to play.

To the man, this tough lady has her soft spots too and for all you know, you have always been a good punching bag. Hoho.

That said.

Have you found your own punching bag who toughens you up instead of making you feel as if you are a meek woman who can't stand up on her own?

I bet you will if you, well, plunge into taking an emotional risk.

:: snip snip snip ::

This few days saw me knocking out each time I downed the cough syrup & flu pill.
I've been resting too much, I think.
But I got to meet the man for awhile to get his convocation gown.
Graduation. It's one of those moments when you finally could heave a sigh of relief after going through a period of study. Though not before reality sets in where you now have to face the working world which then makes you realize how much you prefer studying because of its flexible hours as compared to the stress that work demands.
I took a glance at the man, with his nerd classes and that 'butterfly' gown & the mortar board (whoever designs those gowns has a weird sense of fashion) & chuckled at the sight of his Harry Porter gone wrong look.

I've only been with him towards the end of his study but I dare say partners who had witness your significant other going through the whole course of study should be beaming in pride right now.
Hell why not?
Years of trying to be the best supporter, to be the most understanding & tolerant person to a partner who could easily swing to different modes of mood when its nearing exam period & when assignments have to take priority over quality time.
Patience pays off and girls, this is the time you will be smiling & grinning like a pampered princess - when the paycheck rolls in and your man starts buying you gifts or in the man's words 'go check around for a pair of jeans you like, then I will wire the money into your account so you can get one for yourself.'
Ah, but you know we tend to hide our greed and say words like 'its ok by, you don't have to get me anything' (that's me la!) but in your heart you wish, every payday this buying-for-you a gift will happen. Lol.
Though I think this might be a little compensation to the final adjustment of working life.

Nonetheless, I share the man's excitement to have finally completed his studies with honors.
And since I have to cover all the investitures this time, I can get to see him on stage in that Harry Porter getup.

My lack of discipline truly shows.
While waiting for the man to round up his meeting with his committee member, I headed to Jean Yip for a haircut.
Long hair? Wait long long la!

:: the sky. the sand & the sea ::

Safely home after a rocky ride in the plane due to bad weather conditions.
The turbulences made me feel as if I was on a roller-coaster flight.
The plane-crash-tragic-deaths thoughts kept lurking at the back of my mind & had me gripping in fear although the beautiful clouds & the serenity being thousands of feet above the ground got me thinking - plunging to death from above might not be that bad after all.

Am still recovering from the tiredness.
Nonetheless, I had a blast holidaying with the mob (that includes rocker uncles & crackpots aunts).
Brother was even luckier.
He got to jet-ski, para glide besides being in the great company of the mob.
And the best thing was - it was seafood galore all the way.








And to beloved Dad,



Despite your crazy genes that we inherited, your stubbornness that we wished to bulldoze most of the time, your ego that had me cursing behind your back, we had your wisdom that made us rethink of our big decisions, your corny jokes that brightens our mood, your cash that allowed us to enjoy some of life's little luxuries, your openness that lured us to confide in you, your practicality that forces us to be more cautious, to be thankful for.

But above all, it's your patience, love and acceptance for who we are that's a gift we can never return.
So dad, we don't promise to be VERY good but we will try to be BETTER.
Oh well, after all, I bet we did inherit your naughty & wild genes when you were younger. :p

Much love,

:: as you meet and learn ::

There are some meetings that make you feel accomplished and inspired at the end of it.
And today's was one of them.
We met the managing director of a brand consultancy, appointed by the National Library Board on branding exercises.
Being representatives, we participated in the 2hr focus-group discussion, looking into issues and challenges that our national library will face in future as well as giving feedback as a frequent patron of the library on how the facilities had one way or another helped enhanced our learning & researching purposes.

The library has always been one of my favorite place.
As the group delved deeper into the roles our local libraries play, a question was raised.
Is a technologically advanced library a good thing?
Yes, if it reduced the administrative workload.
Though there could be a downside to it.
With all the technological advancement, could we be losing the human touch or simply a pleasant service from the library staff?
Could an efficient search engine replaced a warm, friendly librarian who engaged conversations with you?

I used to complain having to go to different meetings with different types of people.
But as I was attentively listening to the ongoing discussion, I realized there's so many things I took away from every session.
And every experience has helped me broaden my perspectives, open a new dimension at the way perceive things, clear my judgments, increase awareness of issues, create a working network and most importantly make me believe in what I've set to do.

The man understood my ambitious nature, my irregular schedules with all the last minute meetings that suddenly propped up when the need arises and all I can say for now is that I've never been more thankful for having been granted a supportive equal.


Though I do admit, not all meetings have a happy ending - for you'd be surprised how your workload suddenly tripled just by an hour of meeting.

My last issue with NIE Voices as editor, a year breezed through and for all the whines and complaints, I would never have traded anything with the experience I gained working with people outside my specialization.

Work has never been this great.

:: the morning getaway ::

The other day, I dragged the best friend out for a McDonald's breakfast.
Headed off to our favorite McDonald near Farrer Rd in my new drive.



Been under the weather lately.
Mom passed down the contagious flu bug & I've been practically zoned out, thanks to the medicine.
Will be off for a short holiday with the family to Phuket tomorrow.

:: of studies ::

I am at the most unlikely-place-to-be during a school term break - the NIE library after a morning drive & breakfast with best friend.
With a meeting scheduled in three hours time, I am way too early.
Library reminds me of school. School reminds me of work. Work reminds me of studying.
And the recent release of results got me thinking of the unnecessary pressure that I tend to put myself into.
Missing the 4 mark by 0.03, this semester GPA was an improvement compared to the last though I'd still think if I had put in more effort last year, the grades will be a little bit better.

It's ironic how often we try to convince our students to enjoy the process of learning instead of putting high expectations of attaining good grades when in actual fact, even as adults. we are still trapped in the grading system where As and Bs mean a lot to us especially if we intend to further our studies and plus the fact that different grades have different payscale attached to them.
Sometimes, I don't blame the kids for trying too hard.
It's how our society works.
You are clever because you got A.
You are stupid because you got F.
With that kind of mindset, no wonder all of us are gearing up for the endless rat race.

But I always believe rewards will come when you least expect it.
Though all around you, people will be waiting to hear the 'end product' of your learning journey, its you who is going through the process.
So, screw them if you want, say the next time they tell you, 'How come you did badly?'
Because my friend, success comes with effort and luck.
And the thing about luck is, well, it doesn't come more often than we hope.

:: weekend in tow ::

Yesterday, we were off to a housewarming invite.
The man, despite his confidence, ended us up at the wrong car park.
Not that we know it was the wrong one until Mr I-Know-All decided to give in to my irritating & persistent requests to give his buddy a call and ask if we were at the right place.
I sure had a good laugh when finally he had to admit his mistake though not before he tossed a street directory right under my face & asked me to read the map (which was not making any sense) so that I could direct him to the exact location.

Fine, so I can not read maps.
But truth was, his directory was purchased eons ago & yes, you guessed it right. The new Punggol block that we were supposed to go to was, well, not listed yet.
Himbo you BIIIIIIIIII!

I scare a baby off the same day and poor Kat had to console Baby Ashraf because he was terrified of me after I pointed at his Shrek ears band and went, 'I want! I want!'. Lol.
Sometimes I wonder, if I can ever gather courage to hold a crying baby. I tell you, it's patience & hard work man.

Meeting & workshop today.
Good news is, the exco will be on an all-expense paid trip next month to the Regional Malay Writers Meet in Kedah.
And since I'm the only female, I will be entitled to my own room at Grand Continental.
Talk about personal time.
The older ones will be going first on flight while a few of us (the young ones :p) will be going backpack style on a coach.
I will be looking forward to that.




All I need in this life of sin is me and my boyfriend, me and my boyfriend... Down the ride to the very end..... Cetz.


Best Friend. Miss you man. I know you do too. Hahaha.

:: a toast to my girls ::

Teh tarik session with the girls today.





When it comes to taking stupid facial expressions pictures, we are number one........ best in Singapore, JB and some say Batam.

:: do nice guys really finish last? ::

I'm currently addicted to Miami Ink, in admiration of tattoo artists sketching intricate designs which take a lot of homework on their part to put ideas in producing a great piece of body artwork.
But what caught me on today's episode was Ami, the shop owner who, in my opinion, exudes a kind of raw sexual appeal that I find uniquely charming.
It has nothing to do with the tattoos all over his body, I think it's his sense of presence that could literally stopped a crowd.

Over the weekend, the best friend & I, over our usual coffee session talked about our preference when it comes to choosing a partner.
Although we have extremely different taste when it comes to the looks department, there are some common qualities that we appreciate in our men.
We discussed stubbornness, decisive, independent & strong.

Nowadays, men have new labels attached to them ranging from sensitive new age to metrosexual to a himbo.
Over decades, as we witness activists fighting for female rights, there's no reason to wonder why we, females are letting gender equality get to us.
We say if a man can do it, so can we.
We scoffed off traditional roles of man & woman practiced over centuries where the man goes out hunting to put food on the table while the woman tends to domestic chores.
It's a relatively good combination to building a family, yet as men start to take for granted, reigning power of leadership & showed off superiority by abusing the opposite sex, we are left with little choice but to flaunt our kick-ass attitude just to give them a reminder that we can't be easily bullied.

The fight for this gender equality has produced results, manifested in many modern societies where the females now can head a company, leads a group of men & in fact, we come close to accepting the fact that the only difference between men & women is the chromosomes.
A little observation sparked an interesting thought, is this gender equality responsible for man losing their manliness and women losing their feminine touch as well as the rise of a homosexual culture?
Are we really that confused?

I've recently heard a guy friend lamenting on how he had done everything for a girl, yet she chose a 'bad-boy' image guy (who proves to be quite an asshole) over him.
And I asked, what do you mean when you say everything?
To which he replied, running errands for her, at her beck & call 24/7, missed the boys get- together because she didn't allow him to.
In short, he's such a nice guy, you just feel like shooting the girl who probably has a problem appreciating kindness.

But turned the coin around, I must confess he's actually over-doing it.
Yes, I believe it's back to preference.
And according to mine, he quite painted a picture of a henpecked man, someone who does everything you want him to do.
I've grown up with a dad who brainwashed me more often than not to try rationalize issues from a men's perspective.
If I am stubborn, I need someone equally stubborn or more than me.
If I am independent, I need an equally independent man.
Just my luck, I often ended up with this kind of breed.

As the best friend & I were talking.
This breed can reduced you to tears had you not been a thick-skinned.
This breed can develop an egocentric problem if you try to feed him with compliments.
This breed can stir a courtroom with smart responses under a calm demeanor.
This breed can shake your sanity just by being practical.
This breed can seduced you with their ambitions & lured you into making one of your own.
This breed can tipped your emotional balance with just having their own set of principles.

But this breed always give you a challenge, you will be too occupied to get bored for you will spend most of your time peeling the different layers to discover that soft side of him, the real person inside hiding behind that bad-boy image.

Do nice guys finish last?
No, my friend.
It's just that we can get greedy - we want nice plus ruggedness.
Because even though we are equal now, we still need someone to protect us.

Do you want a guy who cowers behind you at the sight of robbers?
I know I don't. :p

:: sore ::

I woke up to an aching body today.
As if reading my mind, I received a text message from the man to do some stretching exercises.
This is what happens when you don't do proper warm-ups or you think you have done a proper one!
The fact that last evening was one of the long distance run that I completed after slacking for quite a while, I figured my rusty muscles needed some lubricating before it starts functioning effectively again.

So LTA finalized our registration.
The details were faxed over & as I was going through it, I realized how I need to be extra careful now.
Insurance only covers damages if someone hit me not the other way round.
See if we are lucky, I may get hold of the keys tomorrow.

I do miss my riding sessions.
If I'm out of my mind one day, I'll probably attempt Class 2A.
Oh well, just for the fun of it.

:: on the move ::

The evening run with the new running shoes.


(Asics are having 25% discount. While I was checking out for 'lawa tak lawa', the man will tell me all about comfort and cushioning, which I still don't understand.)

Route (to) :
Bukit Panjang - Teck Whye - Bukit Gombak MRT.
Time taken : 33 mins 48 scnds.

Rest : (walking breather)
Bukit Gombak MRT - Bukit Batok Driving centre
Time taken : 16 mins 12 scnds.

Route (fro) :
Bukit Batok Driving centre - Teck Whye - Bukit Panjang
Time taken : 24 mins 36 scnds.

Quite a bad timing, I must say; took my own sweet time completing the route.
The funny part was that, on the way back, I bumped into the man who was also going for his evening run along the road from Teck Whye to Bukit Batok. (though both of us knew we were going fr our runs, we always took different routes).
Then we were going, 'BYYYYYYYYYYY!'.

I still need some time to gain back my stamina before I start training with the man again.
But truth is, I was enjoying my personal running time since I borrowed Brother's cool headphones which blast songs like a stereo system & you sort of feel like you are in your own R&B club.

Now I have a few routes in mind to complete before I join the man.
Bukit Panjang - Dairy Farm Road - Bukit Panjang.
Bukit Panjang - Teck Whye - Chua Chu Kang Park.
Bukit Panjang - Bukit Timah Road - Bukit Panjang.


Calls from friends screaming in excitement about their crossover reminded me of the day I received the big A4 brown envelope - offer for admission.
It's been a year & I can still recall my 'surreal' expression.
And I keep telling my peers who asked me what is expected of them to get the crossover to stop expecting.
For it's not easy to tell who will be admitted since I just learned that apart from your performance in NIE, the board also takes into account your previous results (O, A Levels & Poly) & there are many hidden criteria that we are, well, not very aware of.

Down memory lane, as I was clearing my folder, I chanced upon a note. On it, was the man's email address.
The very first time I saw him during my registration, where he was giving out SLC t-shirts & I was using a very cheap line that went, 'Erm, how can I join SLC?' (knowing that he was the president). He, cheekily smiled, and wrote me his email address. Which I did email to but the smart ass didn't reply.
What luck, I saw him again two months later - purely coincidental or is it fate? Haha.




Some random shots of surroundings & the coffee shop that I dragged the man to for breakfast.

:: a quiet evening over coffee ::

Nowadays, Jannah & I try to avoid crowded areas during our occasional meet-ups.
So today, after a hearty lunch with two of her Indonesian classmates at town, we took a walk down Tanglin Mall and spent our afternoon chatting over our usual Starbucks coffee.
I enjoyed my quality time with her.
She & I are complete opposites, yet as we grow up accepting each other's differences, we somehow meet halfway when it comes to compromising & understanding.
And after eight years, she & I can read each other well enough to know there are just so many things we can't hide.




The fams went out for dinner.
Met the beloved cousin and his girlfriend.
Crazy bunch.

:: the sabotage ::

How often do you find yourself squirming in your seat, your face feigned interest when a friend start telling you about how great her love life is?
How frequent do you find yourself wallowing in self-pity, thinking about how pathetic you are when you heard stories of the near-perfect life your friends apparently have been blessed with?
If the answer is very often and frequent for both, I'd say you have to stop this paranoia as studies have shown that people who falls into this envy trap may easily eat up their self-esteem, in turn sabotaging not only themselves but the relationship with others.

Apply that into my relationship 'context', I'd admit had I decide to let other people's happy love life affected me, I will be right on my way to a disastrous end.
For simple reasons.
The fact that the man and I only engaged in telephone conversations only when there is an urgency (conversations lasting less than five minutes), the I-Love-You that only comes once in every five months (if I'm lucky two), the weekly hour lunch meet-ups & the occasional dates, the need for personal space, will probably be seen as abnormal to most.
Yet this same man, with whom I exchange more curses than sweet nothings with, is the same person who nags until I get what I set to do accomplished, who offers the honest critique (means if its not good, its not good), who praises when its deserving, who plans for 'us', who in his words - I want this long term and that means doing what I need to do so we can enjoy our efforts in the future (though I liked to turn the tables around and asked instead, what if we don't get to see tomorrow).

The point is, we have one way or another, subconsciously dramatize our state of euphoria.
We tell the world how happy we are yet we prefer to hide our sadness.
We describe in lengthy narration of our perfect date yet chucked our problems in a place only we know.
We paint a beautiful picture of our partner and present it to everyone, excusing the flaws that may be obvious to others but not ourselves.
And with an array of adjectives to choose from, we project an image of a perfect 'the one'.
It's a human syndrome no one can run away from.
It may appear innocent enough until one decides to use another friend's life as a yardstick to measure her own happiness.
I've seen this quite often enough & I too had once be the girl who likes to compare.
Why can't I have what she has?
It gets ugly inside.

Every relationship works differently and so thus our life.
We can't oversimplify happiness judging from other people's stories.
What works for them may not necessarily work for us.
So the next time someone gushes out an account of her great love life, listen to it carefully and spare yourself from the envy trap.

For she/he, like you, leads a life that's been promised its ups and downs.
And who knows, he/she is simply telling all the details so as to feel better about him/herself.
Oh come on, we need some validation at times.

That said.
Seek your own happiness and you'll be amaze that its been there within you all this while.
If only... you had looked closer enough.

:: the girlfriends company ::

The five of us, with our own schedules to keep to, finally took time off to meet up.
Where else but to dine at a place where we can chill for hours, crack stupid jokes & exchange current happenings in our lives.
Nothing beats having a good company of girlfriends whom you adore most despite all the differences.
Happy belated birthday Rhino.
Happy advanced birthday Fit.

:: the reading spree ::

I dragged a good friend of mine, along with his girlfriend for a book spree yesterday.
Irwan, aka, the walking researcher-geek-good books finder, recommended me a selection of reads from advocates of philosophy, sociology, religion as well as educational psychology.
I was introduced to names like Erich Fromm, Edward Said, Edward Sapir, Nietzsche, Preires & many others.
It was rather interesting to get a hold of such books (he made me purchase a few titles & I swear he could make a better book businessman than anyone I knew), and as I was reading through the introduction of Edward Said's Covering Islam, I realized there is yet so much to learn from our usual mundane life.


But today, I'm going for an eating spree.
Lunch date with the man, after a week of not meeting up - I swear my heart is pounding in excitement while waiting for him to pick me up and as I'm typing right now, he should be on his way here from the mosque.

And steamboat dinner with the favorite girls later on.

Have a good day dearies.

:: the morning. the event & the press ::



It seems like a long time ago since I had the chance to enjoy my morning.
The 'boss' was, as usual, late again today.
So I sat at a nearby coffee-shop and ordered my teh-tarik.
It's like entering a different community when you stepped into Jalan Masjid.
You see familiar faces of Arab businessmen & Muslims who come together after their dawn prayers to have breakfast.
Quite a step-back from the usual hustle and bustle of city life.
A blending of culture; where the east meets west.

I was in my bubble for a little while, imagining myself somewhere in Turkey or Jerusalem.
And I must say, I kind of like that thought.

Headed for the event.
The boss put up a good job for the preparations, prior to this event.
So, the assistant me only had to look out for little details that he overlooked.
So far, most of our events will be covered by the press and today was no exception.
The usual social networking stuff; get to know new people & another mediacorp news producer.
Slowly getting used to this.
Learning to write press releases & speech for guest of honors & host's script.
The three of us who often alternate this task have different writing style and it's funny how behind every event, listening to the speeches we could roughly guess who wrote what.
Thus far, this is the best group of people I had a chance to work with; each spearheading a specific area & yet still have fun while working. It's a bias opinion but I think put the right men to a job, they are easier to work with.

A friend of mine commented over lunch, 'it's difficult to do what you love here.'
Yes my friend, I hear you all right.
At times you will be sandwiched between pursuing your ideal/dream job & being realistic - that at the end of the day it comes back to having a stable job with equally stable income.
What can I say - here, you have to love what you do.
And that's the only way that keeps you from losing your sanity. :)

:: when familiarity breeds contempt, when boredom breeds insanity ::

I've been doing this a lot lately. Telling myself, 'Get a grip, Mira. Do something. Be proactive.'
To no avail of course. I lack total self discipline and my irregular sleeping hours had eventually prompted the man to tell me 'i read articles from the net that irregular hours may lead to migraine and mood swings amongst others'.
Yeah right love, you don't need no internet to know that.
Thankfully your girlfriend has yet become a victim of migraine or turned herself into an unpleasant-foul mood being.
In fact, she has been rather high lately and driving herself to the brink of insanity.
Yes people, I am losing myself.
How can you not, if you've been talking to the cats for half a day, making stupid faces and laughing at your own reflection, scaring the shit out of your mum by wearing a toy 'r' us tiara that you got for winning Miss Pop Yeh-Yeh and asking her am I your little princess to which she reply 'crazy is it'.

I've paid a trip to the library.
Stocked 8 chic lit. Finished 2 in a day.
I've cleaned my wardrobe.
Only to know I missed shopping.
I've sat at Starbucks.
Completed what I needed to do.
I've watched TV.
Only to be envious of how gorgeous people can have it all.

Somehow I think, I kind of miss Stress.
Yeah right. I'm crazy alright.

:: the good news ::

The new initiative taken by the ministry was announced today.

And somehow after hearing the news, I was jumping in joy.

Literature in Malay to form part of Combined Humanities subject.
By Othman Bohari, Channel NewsAsia | Posted: 29 May 2007 1655 hrs

Excerpted from the website :

SINGAPORE: There will be more choices for secondary school students who wish to study Malay Literature.
Come 2008, the Education Ministry will introduce Literature in Malay as part of the Combined Humanities subject. This means students will get to study Malay Literature and Social Studies as an elective.
The new subject is in addition to the current Literature in Malay that is offered for the 'O' level examinations.
The new curriculum will teach students two genres of Malay literature - that is prose and poems.


This is extremely good news for us who have been reading Malay literature for years now.
An opportunity to impart what we've learned from our mentors all this while.

:: the daily ramble dose ::

I had my wardrobe cleaned.
After putting aside those clothes that I no longer intend to use, I counted (nothing better to do) I have 7 pair of jeans, 17 pair of pants, 11 skirts, 9 dresses, 15 blouses, 14 jackets and 30 t-shirts.
But because I'm so comfortable wearing my good old pair of Levi's and black & white t-shirts, I was quite surprised I had more clothes than I realized.
I still think the wardrobe lacks of clothes though.
Fine. considering I'm not earning (god, how I hate that phrase), the wardrobe should 'sustain' for another good year before I can be a good samaritan and donate all the clothes to those in need & restocked another set of jeans, pants, skirts, dresses, blouses, jackets & t-shirts for the upcoming years. Yippee.

Travel channel saved my boring life at the moment.
The man should be somewhere in the Singapore Zoo attending to his students who are on camp.
Have fun amazing-racing while your girlfriend here is rotting in her black & white room. :p

:: into slumber-land ::

The itchy fingers decided to work on a new layout.
The color purple. I'm out of my comfort black zone this time round.
Though dark colors has always appealed me more as compared to pastels.
A dinner date with a close friend last night got me thinking when she said, 'I finally woke up and realize I got to fix my life now.'

Cupid has a funny way of getting the least compatible couples together.
And more often than not, leading them to the route of melodramatic breakups.
My friend found herself along the way to the route when the calls just stop coming, when the other half decides to play a missing in action game, when the intimacy level had dropped to an alarming rate of zero and all hell break loose when the real deal was presented to her live - he and the other woman.
I saw her through the tough period.
The state of depression, the virtual obsession, the can't-get-over-the-fact that he's no longer hers and the fear of loneliness slowly creeping; paralyzed by her own thoughts became clueless on how to simply move on.
I could only tell her time is the best healer, having gone through the same period before.
And she did rise up to the challenge. She became a renewed self.
The wake-up call made her more confident and she knew that there are many things in her life that needed to be mended.
I am truly happy for her.

Sometimes when things don't turn out the way you want them to be -
where once you pictured a bed of roses waiting for you but instead found yourself pricked by its thorns; have you ever thought of why the love suddenly loses its magic?

I'm no magician.
But I think when it comes to love, you need a bag of little tricks; simply the things that can help rekindle the flame.
It's back to effort, ain't it.

:: what it feels to do nothing ::

Recovered from the tiredness of a packed weekend.
Though the downside of it, its not making me any fresher.
Worst, I keep waking up on the wrong side of the bed - all grumpy and lethargic.
Keep going in and out of slumber-land.

I've turned from a SLACKER to a LAZE-R.
It's getting worrying all right.
I know its an appropriate time to simply do nothing.
The little black box & lots of books had been my faithful companies.
I have not been running! I told the man I need new pair of trainers (lame excuse to not go for a run).
At the rate I'm going I think I should get one pair soon before the laze-r turned a pig-er.

It sure feels like hell when there's nothing to do.
*whines in exasperation*

:: the part-time socialite ::

Dad got me to drive to town to pick the brother up from work.
The family then headed for supper; mum being the 'home-home' type was quite restless when the three of us were still sipping our teh-tariks even when it was already midnight.
Dad finally took over the driver's seat and as the four of us chatted in the car, I realized how much I needed the 'family-break' after fulfilling my social obligations these past few days.

Dinner & Dance on Friday.
The man said I've been slouching.
Lazy spine, I have.



Covered 'The Islamic book fair launch' event at Wisma Indah on Saturday.
Friends, do head down to Wisma Indah for good reads on Islam.
I just got myself M. Fethullah Gulen's 'Toward a global civilization of love & tolerance'.
I think our generation has a little difficulty embracing our own religion for we've been wired to believe that everything we do has its route to either hell or heaven.
But from another light, religion is knowledge itself. And there is so much to learn - how our religion views the ideal human, sufism & metaphysics, human rights, education, love & mercy, forgiveness & tolerance from global perspectives.



Mary ended her single-hood today.
The wedding could not get any greener.
From her gown to the cupcakes to the dais to the decoration.
Lucky you didn't order vegetarian!
The whole gang was there.
And since Fard was Mary's personal assistant, she was busy running around.
So me and the two mak buyungs (Read: pregnant) cam whored, screamed along with the makcik's at the karaoke whose voice nearly caused my eardrums to burst.



I am a tired but happy girl. :)

:: drive them wild ::

A long day today.
The clubs presented their reports and I applaud all of them for such hard work put in amidst the hectic schedules & rushing to meet assignment deadlines.
The panel deliberated & we had a tough time deciding.
What the panels saw were only the product not the process and from a students' perspective, I know that the painstaking efforts or the ideals we set & the experiences we take back from these involvements can never be described in words.
But it was nice to see friends like the guys from PESS in their formal wear. Lol.
And Jab the joker never fail to amuse.

One down. A few projects still in progress. My ideas are scattered all over. Need to pen it down & structure it soon before I go into another lapse of brain freeze moments.

The other day while I was having coffee at Starbucks, I picked up Brides.
(No. Not looking for wedding gowns or venues. It's just that the groom models look so delicious in suits that I found myself flipping the pages only to end up reading 'Men fess up - what drives you wild')

So here goes. 10 men tells us what drives them wild. Ranging from thoughts of having their partners only in their oversize jerseys walking around the house to sexy dance moves that turn them on - simply put everything was about sex.
I'll be frank. I misinterpreted the whole thing.
And I asked the man - what drive you wild. To which he replied; the good wild or the bad wild?
I got why I misinterpreted. I was thinking of the good wild.
I couldn't put a finger to why when it comes to wild - men has to associate it with sex. (Not that we don't know that half their brain has been compartmentalize to appreciate ASSETS).
I bet the ten men that was polled had just gotten married or still has active libidos.

But try asking your grandfathers (don't try if you don't want to have thoughts of your grandparents doing it), what drive them wild?
Will they be able to answer. Seeing your grandmother walking around in mini boxers and his over-size shirt or she seductively pole-dancing to get him bed?
No, I have nothing against young and sexually active men.
Its just that my sort of misinterpretation of the word 'wild' got me to think why these days not many guys have come forward to commend their partner's domestic skills or cooking skills (ok fine, confession time - girls these days lack 'talent' in the domestic areas and I'm definitely included) but we should give credit to those partners whose able to feed their husband well & make sure the house does not resemble one of a dumpster.

I think there's a lot to learn from the older generation.
Even though we are in the 'gender equality' era, a husband will still go back to a home that provide him a place to seek solace. Something simple and comfortable (Dad said).
And being the wise person that he is, simply told me - don't get too absorbed in your pursuits, sometimes we just have to go back to basics.

John Haidt could not have been more perfect when he described what constitutes passionate & companionate love -

'Passionate love ignites, it burns, and it can reach its maximum temperature within days. During its weeks or months of madness, lovers can't help but think about marriage, and often they talk about it too. Sometimes they even accept Hephaestus's offer and commit to marriage. People are allowed to sign contracts when they are drunk, and I sometimes wish we could prevent people from proposing marriage when they are high on passionate love because once a marriage proposal is accepted, families are notified, and a date is set, it's very hard to stop the train.
The other danger point is the day the drug weakens its grip. Passionate love doesn't end on that day, but the crazy and obsessional high period does. Breakups often happen at this point, and for many couples that's a good thing. But sometimes breaking up is premature, because if the lovers stuck it out, if they had given companionate love a chance to grow, they might have found true love.

True love exists, I believe, but it is not - cannot be - passion that lasts forever. True love, the love that undergrids strong marriages, is simply strong companionate love, with some added passion, between two people who are committed to each other. When we admire a couple still in love on their fiftieth anniversary, it is this blend of loves - mostly companionate - that we are admiring.'


The man told me to not read too much. Haha. Yeah right, its like me telling him to stop running.
Oh well, when a geek meets a hyperactive man.

'

:: as the day goes.. ::

The initial plan was to start the morning early - hit the school gym, collect the club reports from office, get a good lunch before heading off to the mass meeting.
But the procrastinator self snoozed the alarm a few hours later - plan foiled, skipped the gym and only managed to squeeze in a good half an hour lunch with one of the classmates before the meeting.

Driven by guilt & the image of the man nagging about 'discipline', I dragged myself to the NTU sports hall after the meeting instead. Sweat it out on the treadmill & thought of reading the club reports while running only to discover Her World is the only thing I could read while on the treadmill.
In need of a personal time (after realizing I've avoided work too long and time is flying fast), I headed to Starbucks and was greeted by my favorite baristas who told me I needed a haircut badly & my look was one of a woman who has ten kids (the crazy bunch exaggerated but i love their company, no less).
Grabbed my usual dose of coffee and went through all the reports, least I'm prepared for tomorrow's selection & further realized I can never bring myself to choose who truly deserves the award.

It came to a point when after all the experiences working in organizations that I realize in our working world now, everything becomes a 'selling' point.
The favorite question is 'What's in IT for me?'
Even in denial, we know at times we are lured into one of working life's trick.
Promoting ourselves - giving credits to what we have done because at the end of the day reports need to be prepared and bosses have to give appraisals and find victims for D's.
As virtuous as we want to be, the ranking & award system left us with little choice but to perform well and made it known to others that we cannot be easily trampled.

Though there's nothing wrong with healthy competition, its the participants in every working organizations that determine whether the setting is a game where people come together to win or where people outdo each other to achieve personal glory.

Dad left me with a list of something to ponder just last night and I could not agree less.

1. Today we have bigger houses and smaller families, more convenience but less time.
2. We have more degree, but less common sense, more knowledge but less judgment.
3. We learn to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life, not life to years.
4. We have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeway but narrower viewpoint.
5. We have been all the way to the moon and back, but we have trouble crossing the street to meet the neighbor.
6. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've splits the atom but not our prejudice.
7. We've learned to rush but not to wait, we have higher incomes but lower morals.
8. No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from a brand new beginning.
9. When you feel down because you did not get what you want. Just sit tight and be happy because god is thinking of something better to give you.
10. I used to complain because I had no shoes, then one day I met a man with no legs.

And my favorite was.

'This are the the time of fast foods and slow digestion, tall man and short character, steep profits and shallow relation, more leisure and less fund, more kind of food but less nutrition, two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes.'


This morning at the bus stop, I witnessed a toddler trying to initiate a conversation with a very old man.
I could not help but smile.
I was caught in between - thinking how once, I was a toddler with all her innocence and imagining in years to come, how I am going to like as an old lady wrinkled with all the experiences life have granted her.


On a lighter note, the dad brought home a list of jokes.
Army jokes are damn lame & corny!

Q : Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed at Tarzan. Tarzan asked 'why'?
A : The animals told him 'Your tail is in front'.

:)

:: retail therapy ::

Did a little shopping for myself & the man.
A Topshop dress for me & a black Topman tie for him.
A last minute shopping spree since the casual-wear us were in desperate need for a formal wear.

The man & I share something in common; we prefer to do our personal shopping.
I don't have to feel guilty dragging him from places to places.
And I have the whole time in the world to think and decide whether the object of interest is really worth purchasing.

It was a quality personal time.
Window shopped at my favorite stores & g0t a quick browse on new bestsellers titles at Borders.
I'm still learning to curb my expenses.
It's hard to not think of the few thousand dollars that I stashed in my fixed deposit account.
The decision to keep an account which I'm unable to withdraw until a few years later was simply because I figured if fate decides that I will be a spinster, I might as well not be a penniless one.
But seeing all the beautiful dresses & clothes, I was a bit regretful. Should have kept my savings in an account which I can still withdraw.
Heck, I won't be able to wore all that when I hit 30.

Oh well, for now. I am happy with my dress.

:: trudge along the road of life ::

My body clock could apparently detect when I'm having my holidays.
For when the clock strikes twelve, my brain cells start functioning & all thoughts in the head come crashing as if there's no tomorrow.
And this little space has been a true companion - a great listener to my most random thoughts & endless ramble.

I'm into my final chapter of the 'Happiness Hypothesis'.
It provided a good insight on the theoretical aspects & I finally come to my senses -
mere knowing does not necessarily mean you are halfway through a life-changing experience.
Though after the read, one can safely say the world does not only hold your problems.
There are others to consider & that our tears of suffering are just the same as any one else.
It's the degree of pain which we chose that marks all the difference.

Sometimes when you think you have everything worked out - career & relationship & family, adversity strikes when you least expect it and you witness your life slowly crumbling into pieces - how do you stay strong with your head held high believing that everything will be fine?

I think we do well at masking our innermost fears.
Fear that one day these blessings will be taken back.
And to overcome this fear; we glorify our mundane lives, content with little pleasures that each day brings.
As we slowly learn the meaning of appreciating & what loss feels like, it will come to point when we finally understand that clinging tenaciously to life may not erase its uncertainties or the fact that nothing in this world really lasts.

For what we have had never been ours in the first place.

:: feasting ::

The committee met up to finalize the preparations for the upcoming dinner and dance.
Food tasting ceremony has always been the best since its the only time you can enjoy free dinner.
This month and next will be food galore months for me.
Lunch & Dinner at Ritz Carlton and Traders' for various events.
Complimentary passes have always been a big bonus for us especially after all the preparations & event planning.

:: my weekend ::

I spent the weekend catching up with friends.
Headed to JB with D & kak Shida.
She did her shopping & I, the ever broke woman, made do with 'kain' window shopping.



Best friend loving on Saturday.
As usual, pigged out at Lucky Plaza.
Did some walking, window shopping, book hunting & lots of talking.
Sometimes I can't imagine life without her.




I swear I could have snapped at beloved Dad during my 'orientation' drives.
How can one tolerate nags during driving?
I hope this will pass. Very soon.

:: as i lay my eyes on you ::

It feels good to let things off the chest once in awhile.
The man & I met for tea and we come clean to the things that have been clouding our minds.
How my irrationality had nearly cause him to snap back.
How his ego had nearly cause me to curse & rave.
Drawing lessons from past experiences, we knew how fragile a relationship is & how in the heat of anger, words that we didn't mean to utter can rob our one shot to happiness.
It's hard when you have two strong headed people trying to work things out without causing any emotional injury but the least we could do was try to rationalize the issue & make sure the same mistakes won't be a recurrent one.
Although the irony of it, through all these conflicts, you began to realize how much the other person truly means to you.
And that despite the many differences, a little compromising is all it takes to get things back on track.
Oh well, every couple has their moments.

In less than a week, the man will be posted to school.
If you had gone through a relationship long enough, you'd know each different phase demands a little readjustment. Studying is the period I'd call the 'honeymoon' phase when you have all the time in the world to spend that quality time with your intended.
Once you step into the working life, granted you have time but most of it will be spent either resting or doing your own stuffs.
I guess there's a reason why the older generation tells us 'Dah kerja, baru cari mataair.'
It redefines the meaning of relationship when you start to shoulder responsibilities.

As much as I'd like to tell the world how in love I am with man, it's never a complete happiness if you learn a friend whom you dearly love had Cupid's blind arrow shot her heart.
I pray for your well-being my dear.

:: the email culture ::

Lots of hibernation & being cooped up at home had turned me into a grumpy being.
The daily routine is taking its toll on me. Adding to my sensitivity, thus making me an intolerable partner at the moment.
After awhile, I began to realize how exhausting & draining it can be to initiate a 'diplomatic' argument and not having come to a conclusion.
The worst part is even for a slight misunderstanding, it will eventually lead you to recognizing not only your partner's flaws but also your irrationality which in my case, are often triggered from assumptions.
No one says couple-hood is a breeze.
The unpredictable ups & downs will take one on an emotional roller coaster ride(s).

Nonetheless, work has to go on.
Every morning, as I read my emails, I began to see the downside of this new mode of communication.
I have a problem when it comes to replying emails. It lies in choosing the right words to bring the message across.
How do you show great tact when dealing with tricky situations over emails?
No one wants to read a lengthy email & when we need to address an issue, it should be direct and as far as possible use economical words.
We learned that it's unnecessary to sound apologetic or add in a bit of reassuring words or wishes.
What more, with emails, you can hide behind your cowardice if you decide to shoot another with words.

I am embracing modernity & I love technology.
But sometimes, it makes a difference discussing work&life over emails (unless it's a long distance separation) and to have it face to face.

Because I realized when you are out of touch with the ones you love & although you still communicate through text-messages, emails & windows messengers, nothing beats having a real company right beside you.
Then, you can laugh all you want. Bask in the spontaneity. And enjoy the presence.

That said.
I have to meet the best friend before this grumpy being creates another chaos.

:: if songs could tell a story ::

And I'd give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll
Ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd
Understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you cant fight the tears that ain't
Coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls


When you are tired of words & talking,
listening is therapeutic.

:: .... ::

The uncertainty of it all.

Our time will come.

Semoga rohmu dicucuri rahmatNya.

:: and the clock strikes twelve ::

I hate tending to pain caused by bad cramps.
Not a good timing since I have a deadline tomorrow & am far from completion.
In line with the proposed events from the Malay Heritage Center for this year, we will be contributing articles on different aspects of heritage to Berita Harian.
I chose to do something on fashion. (Janna, according to the proposed calendar of events given to me, Mona J Boutique is having a fashion week on the 20 July right? Hee.)

Nonetheless, I thought of providing an insight on the evolution of Malay wear from traditional to modern times & the influences that contributed to each changing trends.
As I read on each different phase dated as early as the first century when human rely on natural resources to make garments & slowly new discoveries on cloth were unraveled; the imagination of men never cease to amaze me.

At one point of time when clothing not only serves as a basic need for men rather a reflection of cultural identity & modesty; it got me thinking amidst high fashion, are we actually retreating back to early times when 'berkemban' was known as one of the earliest Malay women's clothing recorded in history (and if you look at it, 'berkemban' and tube now has little difference apart from its design & cutting).

Writing for the masses is such a great responsibility especially if it touches on cultural and historical aspects because often this knowledge has been passed on through time and possibly the actual truth may have been peppered with personal prejudice or opinions.


For now let me enjoy my braindead moments.
I hope the unedited draft for the introduction will provide a little insight on the genius mind of our ancestors.
Up till now, I'm certainly impressed by them.

'Dunia fesyen kontemporari dengan kerencaman cetusan ilham kreatif pereka gaya sedunia telah memberi pengertian baru pada takrifan pakaian yang pada asasnya hanya merupakan sesuatu yang dipakai untuk membalut badan dari sebarang elemen yang boleh mencedarakan anggota, menyesuaikan suhu badannya dengan cuaca, menjaga maruah diri dan memberikan keselesaan pergerakan.

Dari zaman manusia menggunakan dedaun serta kulit kayu dan kemudiannya kulit dan bulu binatang sebagai pakaian sehingga timbul ilham untuk membuat kain yang dicarik dan dianyam daripada batang pisang, batang hemp, jut, rami dan daun nanas, ternyata daya cipta manusia tidak lekang menyumbang kepada evolusi berpakaian.

Kini, arus pemodenan yang membawa bersama kecanggihan teknologi telah menyaksikan bagaimana tamadun manusia tidak hanya melihat pakaian sebagai kebutuhan yang mendasar (basic needs) tetapi ianya telah berkembang kepada corak kebutuhan baru yang mencitrakan keterkaitan pakaian dengan identiti berbudaya.

Kepelbagaian cara manusia mempraktikkan budaya yang dipengaruhi lingkungan serta hubungan dengan dunia luar telah mencorak keragaman pakaian yang berpangkal pada adat istiadat serta sistem nilai atau kepercayaan yang dianuti sesuatu masyarakat itu. Pakaian kini dapat mencerminkan keperibadian individu dari kelompok sosial dengan terciptanya simbol-simbol tertentu pada corak dan potongannya sebagai lambang status, darjat, identiti kaum, kepercayaan serta ritual keagaamannya.

Perkembangan tradisi pakaian Melayu ternyata tidak terkecuali dalam menerima pengaruh unsur-unsur luar yang saling berinteraksi antara unsur yang terdapat di merata pelosok Semenanjung dan Kepulauan Melayu di Nusantara. Percikan sejarah telah memperlihatkan bagaimana hasil pengaruh yang diterima daripada bangsa yang bertamadun tinggi seperti bangsa India, Cina, Arab dan Eropah telah menyumbang kepada perkembangan dan perubahan tradisi ini'

:: of happiness ::

'Drawing on Csikszentmihalyi's work, Seligman proposes a fundamental distinction between pleasures and gratifications. Pleasures are 'delights that have clear sensory and strong emotional components' such as may be derived from food, sex, backrubs and cool breezes. Gratifications are activities that engaged you fully, draw on your strengths and allows you to lose self-consciousness.

Pleasure feels good in the moment, but sensual memories fade quickly and the person is no wiser or stronger afterwards. Even worse, pleasure beckons people back for more, away from activities that might be better for them in the long run. But gratifications are different. Gratifications ask more of us; they challenge us and make us extend ourselves.

Gratifications often come from accomplishing something, learning something or improving something. When we enter the state of flow, hard work becomes effortless. We want to keep exerting ourselves, honing our skills, using our strengths..' - from 'The Happiness Hypothesis' by John Haidt


Although certain aspects of the book can be argued from an alternative viewpoint, I found John's unique way of blending the east & west school of thoughts as well as bringing ancient wisdom to modern perspective very refreshing.
As much as we'd like to be in a constant state of euphoria, we know that's very much impossible.
Interestingly, this book had never intended to be a self-help - rather it offers various studies conducted by advocates of positive psychology.
Some of the things might be too familiar for our comfort thus I found myself more often than not agreeing on his insight.

Happiness has never meant to be measured although the truth is, how we deem life will define our own meaning of happiness.
And the excerpt on gratification and pleasure was one I felt strongly for. It reaffirms my belief that only through loving yourself can you find love in another. Probably the reason why after I learned the term interest-work-busy, I felt a sense of liberation that in a way frees me from constant worry of trying to be the best for someone else.

We are told to dream big but we often take a step further by expecting.
Truth is, all successful people when asked of their secret to such great achievements will tell you they dream but expectations were reduced to zero and it's the process that meant more to them than the results itself.

Sounds too cliche? You bet.

Oh well, after all. Aren't all humans a walking paradox?

:: family love ::

I had to give the family reunion a miss today since I had tuition.
Koko brought our small size family (yes, altogether we have 11 members) to catch a movie and all were present except me & bro.
It's so hard to get everyone together this days due to conflicting schedules.
Sometimes, I'm pretty much thankful for festive occasions like Hari Raya since that's probably the only time we could take a complete family photo.



Me & Koko & Bro Wan. Beloved cousins.



And Mum. Happy Mother's Day. Thank you for everything.
For bringing me up and brother
from this



to this
(even when I could walk & talk, I still need to be fed with milk and bro was still learning how to walk)



to this
(during my young punk days and bro clean image 'phase')



to this
(when my punk days were nearing to an end & bro just embarking on his)




We promise to be good. :)

Last night, the man & I along with Kat & Fadyl headed to the stadium to catch the S League match.
And so the team we rooted for lost :(



I found a new crush.
Akil is super-super cute.
Just too bad I'm not a two-year old. Argh. Hee.

:: chill out ::

The Selengers met up to celebrate what's left of Maria's single-hood days.
No. No. Not the hen party style.
We had it super clean since Iman tagged along & we should preserve the innocence of a 3 month old. Haha.
This past four years just breezed through.
It was as if I had just witnessed Fard's & Rai's wedding not so long ago and soon to be Maria's.
And Fard who just entered motherhood will be followed by our beloved new wifey.
And Mary, I'm placing a bet. Your Omaria Junior will see the world next year. Hahaha.

Don't mention peer pressure please. :p
Nonetheless I am so excited for every one of them.
Come next year, Auntie Mira got to prepare more green packets man!
Wedding planning - I've got use to it. Baby talks - I will get use to it. Haha.



Very bad bad friend.
As usual, I keep messing my dates and thus took for granted Maria's wedding is still so far away.
I have to skip your nikah dear since I was scheduled to run an event on that day.
But I will come Before & After that. Promise.



You will be a beautiful bride.
Never the make -up Mary. You had always been beautiful within.

(And please do enjoy your wedding night.) Hahahaha.

:: our words to mothers ::

Last week, the tutees were assigned a task of composing letters to their mothers - in line with the upcoming Mother's day.
The responses, interestingly, not only voiced out hopes & wishes for their mothers but also confessions were made, just simply the things mothers should never know about.

Some of these sharing should be familiar to most of us for regardless of age, deep down we
(1) don't like to be told what to do
(2) hear constant nagging
(3) keep secrets from them otherwise they will go ballistic once the truth is revealed
(4) take their presence for granted
(5) know we can never meet their expectations
(6) love them too much despite all of the above.

Derrick wrote :
'Dear Mum,
I know that you do not want me to buy things without you knowing but I buy some things, but I stop it last year. I wish that you can spend more time with me. You always want the "impossible". I cannot do it. Why must you want me to get band 2 for English? Why can't I use my Chinese & Maths marks to go to good schools? If you want it, I will try my best. I am not what you think I am, sometimes I talk in class. You always say before I speak and scold me even though I do what you want me to do.'

Sim Eing wrote :
'Dear Mum,
Although you are always nagging, but I know that you are doing for my own good. I have secrets that you did not know. I tell you that I have remedial classes at school, actually, I am lying. I am actually going Bugis with my classmates and friends. I hope that you would forgive me! I wish that you can be with me for a longer time. So that we can go shopping more often. I appreciate you for bringing me up from a playful baby to a mature girl now. I know that sometimes I make you angry, but I really hope that you will forgive me. I hope that you cannot be so naggy, but only sometimes being naggy.'

Breton wrote :
'Dear Mum,
I know that you do not know that I appreciate all your nagging and all that what you did for me. I actually run my own business in school earning at least $3 per week. This helps me get the money that I use to buy in the book shop. Hope you thrive at work, gain more bonus and do not fall sick so often. Happy mothers' day!'

Kah Heng in his optimism wrote
'Dear Mum,
Thank you for taking care of me and bring me out and play. You often nag because you love me. I am very happy that you care about me so much.'


Mothers, despite their imperfections & flaws, show their love in ways we can't never truly comprehend.
And I guess, unless you enter motherhood, you can never know what it means to love unconditionally, care for someone above yourself, constantly worry about another's safety, put all hopes in another, to educate & impart knowledge, mould character & learn the true meaning of sacrifice.

In the 'altered' words of the Spartan Queen in 300,
'Only mothers give birth to real men & women'.

:: the Nike transformers ::

Check this out.

The Nike transformers are super cool though the real one that the man bought can't really be transformed into a Megatron.

:: just another day ::

The morning saw me dragging myself out of bed to attend a talk by one of our local politician.
Normally political discussions will bore me to death but the three-hour discussion today was engaging as interesting issues were brought up and the speakers' outright frankness on the reality of the local political scene somehow turn our inquisitive minds on as series of questions were then raised in the later part of the session.

While he was highlighting on the rise of successful Malays here, I was thinking of the other extreme; something I learn during my experience with my lower-end students.
So the itchy mouth me raised the question on how in our eagerness to celebrate these budding successes, can we bring the notion of collectivism across to the group who are still trapped in the poverty cycle - who while we are having our discussion in the comfort of an air-conditioned lecture theater, are slogging their butt off to provide for a family of maybe five?

Before my teaching stint, I had in mind all my students' family are like mine.
But I was humbled by my students' open honesty (especially coming from the lower primary), that some of them are raised single-handedly by either parent and parents who exist yet are absent at the same time because they are juggling different jobs.
The detrimental effect on these young minds' are that they were brought up to think they are stupid because report books say fail & the word fail has become a new synonym for stupid in the eyes of our society.
It's hypocritical if I say I understand how they feel because I don't have the slightest clue of how its like to live in a dysfunctional family. This emotional wreck has always been moved by such recounts & know she can only listen with sympathy.

The politician gave me a good insight. Efforts & funds have been channeled to tap on this rising problem. But instant change may prove to be too ideal for progress is often a long-awaited process that requires constant experimentation and awareness that every one of us has a role to play especially when it comes to building a family.

Because sometimes adults flaws & mistakes can victimized our young by robbing their potential, dreams & hopes.





On a lighter note, the man brought me to his temptation Island a.k.a Queensway & yes, this is the second pair of Nike Shoes he got for this month!
Boys and men. The difference? The cost of their toys.

:: of thoughts ::

The reads on 'Joy Diet' and 'The Happiness Hypothesis' (God knows why my reading preference has always been towards pop psychology & philosophy.. not that it made me any wiser) trigger lots of thinking to which I can safely say all those money spent on figuring out the meaning of life through all these reads were both worth it & worthless.

Freud's psychoanalysis theory on id, ego & superego, Socrates wise words on humanity and the emergence of new religious doctrines as well as ongoing researches conducted by advocates of psychology&philosophy eventually lead to the one fact that any Tom, Dick and Harry are very well aware of; the mind is indeed a divine gift of both rationality & emotionality.
And every organ, though functioning on a separate entity with a specific task to carry out, forms a committee of what constitutes an organization we call being human.

Words & language have now become the most powerful tool in every aspect of human life; They can easily make or break. The influence words have on the human minds are unimaginable; words can be an inspiration and on the other spectrum, it can trampled one's emotions. Can wisdom truly be measured by words then since we are wired to believe words are a manifestation of an introspective & reflective mind?

Gradually this kind of reads, that most cynics will bin on sight, reveal that in our constant inner struggle of questioning the what-ifs and whys, the human mind has only the capacity of accepting and reacting. It has never been programmed to understand the mechanics of how when the sperm & eggs meet, babies are formed nor can it provide reasons to why despite the different face shape&structure&complexion, no human has been created with an extra eye or ear or hands for that matter of fact.

Faith is the companion one should never lose.
It's having that trust & confidence in our Creator (regardless of your religious beliefs) that there is a reason behind every existence.
Though there's no 'one size fits all' guide for a spiritual journey to seek the reason, there's probably only one key to unlocking the meaning of life,

Simply live it. :)

:: blacks ::

Since Mum started work a week ago, I've taken the role of a 'desperate housewife.'
Rise early in the morning, Go for morning walks or runs. Wake the brother up. Cook some breakfast. Clean his and my junk bedroom and give the living room floor a good sweep.
And no more luxury of having a spread of dishes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
This is a big adjustment and yes Mum, I admit I've been taking you for granted all this while.

The man had to go for a re-shoot for the convocation video.
He text messaged while I was running some errands; 'they put make up on me sia'.
That got me laughing. So I asked if he looked pretty, he told me he look gay.
So for a good few minutes, I tried picturing him gay and vulnerable. Hahaha.

Those things we do.
The different persona we put on for different occasions.

And our alter ego?
Are the ones usually donned in black.

:: just another Monday ::

Today's morning run was good.
Though I cut my usual route to half since after 20 minutes, I was already panting like a mad dog.
Somehow the exam period had also turned into a free-from-exercise and lots-of-eating period.
For a long time, I feel very unfit and the slight paunch that is slowly developing definitely tells how much I've not been exercising. Yes, yes. I know - toned abs & butt do not just happen, it needs lots of consistent gym&run routines.

Emails are a reality check for me.
The reason I purposely set three different accounts for different tasks so as to avoid having a jumbled up mind. Work-related emails are slowly coming in and the pending work folder that I purposely labeled in BOLD has been staring at me for about a week now.
I did what other procrastinators would, I stared at it back. Though I am secretly relying on my last minute 'inspirations' to kick in, I know two deadlines to meet on the same day is totally impossible if I started at the very last hour.

I am trying, in my very best effort, to pick up the man's 'plan & schedule' as well as 'focus & discipline' traits; something I'm clearly lacking these days.

Oh well, random rantings is a good distraction and I definitely need a daily dosage of that.

:: the one shot at datinhood ::

If all else fails, I'll consider Datin-hood. Lol.



Nights when you entertain yourself with memories captured in image form, you wonder out of the many frames of sheer candids and pure narcissism, how many tells the story of your tears and broken heart?

That aside.

Although he's never going to be a Dato, I'm happily settled.
Even though the field is his second home. And Frisbee is his second girlfriend. And soccer is his third girlfiriend.

A new form of 'polygamy'.
Oh well, don't fret girls.
They always come back to the FIRST one. (We pray for the best).

:: her favorite company ::

So while I let the sports channel turn the man on (Read: Saturdays - it's soccer night), I went to meet up the girls for our hang out sessions.

Jannah did a lot of mugging. And I? Enjoying my read along the Singapore river. Lol.



At night, the five piranhas headed to JB to feed their empty stomachs.
And while waiting for Fit to knock off from work, we hopped over to Farah's and raided her room.
So Fit, always the one with weird & creative ideas, suggested we tried a 'laughing gas'.
Mustafa Centre, we realized, was a place that we could easily get lost and in search for an emergency item, it took several wrong turns & a couple of 'asking-for-directions' moments before we went 'FINALLY'.
And by three in the morning, we exhausted most of our energy but it was a day well-spent.





Enough of the rest.
I should be gearing up for work as of tomorrow.
Ding-ke-dong.

:: junk aside ::

The day was spent cleaning the room. Reorganized the stack notes and shelved the books in proper places (been throwing them around the room lately).

It feels good to have a spotless room (for a day at least).

The girls & I will be on a seafood galore at JB tomorrow.
Wohooo.

:: the end & start of something ::

Today marks the end of the exam period which also means the end of yet another hectic semester.
And the start to a long term break.
Will need to refuel the energy before another round of editorial work kicks in.
With the next upcoming NIE Voices issue due to be published by August, the one-year commitment as an article contributor to the new BH weekly column along with two of my greatest mentors & a panel of writers and co-assisting 7 upcoming projects - I should be pretty occupied with work and will do less of bugging the man since he will be posted to school in just a few weeks time.
And I definitely need to plan my running routine and maybe start cycling again.
The last long distance cycle I had was two years back; clocked it approximately two hours to and fro from Bukit Panjang to Boon Lay.

After so long, the man & I finally got ourselves a proper movie date.
Spiderman 3 was great and when Harry died, I totally lost it and cry.
On the way back, very much unplanned, the man made a turn into Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserve.
I should have brought my camera along for it feels like we were in 'kampong' life and there were so many beautiful sights that were worth capturing.

Quality time well spent.
I returned home with an elevated sense of happiness that makes my head spins & heart flutters.
Lol. It's quite an indescribable feeling.
For love is something I can't express freely with words; it's either my thoughts will be jammed when I attempted to come up with an 'acceptable' sentence proclaiming my love or the idea of succumbing to the intended with mushy-mushy sweet nothings will just stop me from telling how much I love.
The reason I envy girls who can easily let their feelings be known.
Though I figure out maybe I have developed a fear of expressing love because there's vulnerability attached to it.
And once you are vulnerable, there's a high tendency to be dependent and that I learn may lead to further heartbreaks because expectations are not met.

Though it didn't rule out the fact that I need my man and love him for the way he is. :)

:: snooze ::

The initial plan was to enjoy some personal time over McDonald's Big Breakfast.
But since I woke up to a chilly weather that makes one think of snuggles and cuddles, I found myself retreating back under the comforter.
From the supposedly 7 o'clock alarm, it was snoozed until four hours later.
By then, I can bid farewell to my McDonald's breakfast.
So I did the unexpected.

I made my own breakfast.
Not really quite like how McDonald's serve, but I made do with a hot tea, scrambled eggs and French toast.

My best friend has a split personality.
She is a crazy woman when it comes to bears. :p
Some serious revision to do before my 6 o'clock meeting.
The last paper battle and I'm already losing my fighting spirit.
I'll be damned!

:: Spasi ::

Filosofi Kopi - Dee

'Seindah apa pun huruf terukir, dapatkah ia bermakna apabila tak ada jeda?
Dapatkah ia dimengerti jika tak ada spasi?

Bukankan kita baru bisa bergerak jika ada jarak? Dan saling menyayang bila ada ruang? Kasih sayang akan membawa dua orang semakin berdekatan, tapi ia tak ingin mencekik, jadi ulurlah tali itu.

Napas akan melega dengan sepasang paru-paru yang tak dibagi. Darah mengalir deras dengan jantung yang tidak dipakai dua kali. Jiwa tidaklah dibelah, tapi bersua dengan jiwa lain yang searah. Jadi jangan lumpuhkan aku dengan mengatasnamakan kasih sayang.

Mari berkelana dengan rapat tapi tak dibebat. Janganlah saling membendung, apabila tak ingin tersandung.

Pegang tanganku, tapi jangan terlalu erat, karena aku ingin seiring dan bukan digiring.'

:: work road to death ::

The story of a 29-yr old who met her death after collapsing on the day she had been working in front of her laptop for 8 hours straight was pretty daunting.
For one who gets easily absorbed in work, who enjoys the 'thrill' of meeting deadlines, who finds pleasure in stress - the story was indeed close to heart.

After a bad breakup once upon a time, the grieving self finally snapped out of the misery and did a 360 degree switch.
From the 'coddling', clingy and highly dependent girl who in her naiveness believes that relationships and men were the main source of happiness to a girl who finally decides to put her energy on work-related commitments.
The drastic move took a lot of readjustments.
For work commitments especially in organizations demand more than just presence, it requires time sacrifices and juggling was pretty much still foreign to me.
But supportive friends cheered on, there should be no harm in just trying.
So one opportunity led to another.
The social network expanded so does my workload and I finally learn to correspond with 'higher' authorities through emails (yes, I was cuckoo enough to think that you must meet these people face to face).

Like that woman (bless her soul), I can imagine myself sitting in front of laptop for 8 hours straight and refueling my energy with cups of coffee.
And like her, quitting is definitely the last resort.
I'd more likely listen to my own disillusioned mantra 'i can do it, i can do it' and be totally ignorant of the warning signals my body is giving me - 'stop.stop.'
The worst part of it all is when it turns habitual.
Late nights that contribute to a screw-up body clock.
Irregular meals that cause lethargy all the time.

Psychology reads from books to magazines only look good in print.
Offering idealistic advices and guides for time out, reclaiming peace or finding balance.
If there's one thing all of us would rather do now, it is to absolutely do nothing.
To quit all our jobs and fight for free-paid trips to beautiful places (to reclaim our peace what).
But we know that's an impossible dream; only realized in our little 'bubble'.

I took her death as a reality check on myself.
Have I turned into an automaton with all the commitments I've pledged to?
Has the desire to achieve been driving me to a work road where I could see death waiting at the end of it?
Has falling short of expectations made me feel as if I'm a hopeless wreck when it comes to accomplishing?
I guess not. Rest & relax with addition to the words interest & enjoy will help you propel to another level of incredible lightness work and stress can offer.

So even if a non-living like the car needs to be refueled when it runs out of oil,
what makes you think we, the living things, are an exception.
Take a rest my friends.
Who knows after a sabbatical, you'd regain all your energy to restart another leg of your success journey.

Happy labour day. :p

:: a beautiful night ::

Night when I'm supposed to be mugging for my last paper this Thursday.
Instead, captivated by the beauty of the night (think full moon, clear sky, beautiful clouds), I decided to capture amateurish shots of the view from my 14th floor.
And since the cats were out playing along the corridor, they became models for the night.



'Take frequent breaks from reality that don't bring you back so soon.' - from an ad on a bus stop.

:: a modern love ::

A trip down to town with one of the senior sisters in class was indeed a refreshing experience.
The fifteen year age gap didn't matter at all; in fact, I admit I was enjoying myself with her constant chatter on relationships, work life and taking life as it is.
She got me to enter boutiques that I swear I won't want to be seen it. Simply because labels like Coach, Gucci are beyond my means at the moment (Read: on a ten-dollar pocket money).
Though the dreamy self still hopes to own one of such when the income starts to roll come next year.

Headed to Kinokuniya and the geek in me was tempted by the variety of good reads that were shelved as among the best-sellers.
Lately, sociology has become one of my favorite section and random titles browse suggested that everything in this world goes through evolution; the institution of marriage itself.
I got my hands on a book titled modern love.
How love has been redefine in this new millennium.

Always marveling at technological advances and falling prey to modern gadgets that serve the purpose of communication, has a 24/7 easy access to our intended finally bridged communication breakdowns that have lately become an easy excuse of wanting out?
We applaud progressiveness yet we can't deny its dire consequences.
Could be the knowledge that your intended is just a call away is causing a certain sort of dependency to grow within thus developing a culture of wanting everything 'Now'.
'I want to meet you now.' (if that never happens, we sulk)
'I want you to throw surprises at me now.' (and we sulk again)
'I want you to call me now.' (and we sulk again)
A read on the traditional life centuries back then made me realized that lack of technology advances has helped people appreciate nature and their surroundings more.
They indeed learn what we seriously need at this moment; the element of patience.

It's trying to find a balance between relying on traditional values and the inability to escape modern way of life that strikes a chord in most of us.
Our 'ego' will seldom allow us to be called back-dated - we want to be the 'in' society.
But maybe we should just take a little step back to relearn our roots and the traditional lessons that come with it.
Who knows, we might just find a perfect friend along the way - ourself.

:: Saturday(s) with Jannah ::

So today, the newly purchased heels were put to good use.
Though it had been a killer climbing up flights of stairs.
And I wondered how did I survive wearing heels almost everyday during my 3-month teaching stint back then.
Very much used to the comfort of slippers and sneakers, I found myself unable to walk or in fact run to catch the bus or traffic light.

Nonetheless, the day was spent mostly in Starbucks.
Jannah multi tasked between her markings and political reads while I try to comprehend my stack of readings.

I need to start capturing better shots.

:: the calling ::

The unknown number that seems to be appearing on my cell phone almost everyday has sort of become a daily habit or in fact, dosage if you put it in terms of 'something that can get addictive.'

Last night, we talked about bad politics and equally bad politicians.
She with her third world countries and me with my Malay feudalism.
She told me to run for presidency, I told her to shut up.
I can't even run my own life for goodness sake.
We laughed over our choice of books over the years. Once, I can't get enough of those romantic novels of Dukes, Viscounts and Barons who has all the time in the world to rescue damsels in distress or in the end marry gorgeous princesses (and the fact that I used to cry over these kind stories never cease to amaze me).

So today, we broach the subject of rudeness.
Particularly one that involves greeting each other.
See, only on rare occasions will we say hi or hello over the phone at every start of a conversation and even rare-r occasions when either of us decides to say 'Assalamualaikum'.
For most of the time, it will go like this - 'Oi, bodoh. Buat apa?'
Nope, no loving tender care or whatsoever.
And because its been 8 years, 'bodoh' (stupid) becomes a bearable word coming from her for in reply of course you will say 'bodoh' back.
We decided to get a little bit more creative in this name calling.
And sort of shared what our peers are calling their loves one.

I called the man 'By' but because when you pronounced it, the spelling of 'By' and 'Bi' makes no difference, its a good term to call at every mood. By for baby when you are deliriously happy or Bi for Babi when you are raving mad.
Some people call 'sayang' or in short 'ayang'. I think that's sweet although I can never imagined myself calling someone that UNLESS I have an ulterior motive of wanting something. Ahem.
The married ones often call their beloved 'abang' or in short 'bang' (boleh jadi bangau lah geng).
The 'modern' married ones I've known sometimes call their spouses 'Fey' or 'Bub/By' - short for wifey and hubby.
She told me one of her acquaintance 'Hun' for honey but if you pronounced it could be Han-Tu.
Some has 'Ling' - darling.
And yes, the list gets going.

We wanted to call each other lovingly or for a start in a doting, polite manner instead of 'Oi, bodoh'.
We came up with 'Ver' - short for lover (but crossed it out immediately since its very inappropriate.)
Then we had 'sweets', 'muchi' and other weird terms.
And because we could not reach a common understanding, we finally decided to stick to what we call each other best - Bodoh.
Though now we separate the word into half.
She is the bods and I'm the dohs.

But since the bond is still going on strong, we shall not make a big fuss on this name calling.
For if you love, the name will 'transpire' somewhere inside your soul and then somewhere along the way imprinted in your brain cells.

Who says I'm not romantic Bods? Dingdong.

:: of mums & babies ::

The day started with an unplanned visit to Fard's.
Baby Iman is growing and her chunky thighs looked deliciously appetizing that D was tempted to give it a bite.
Iman must have been so well-fed.
Got ourselves to school.
While me and D tried to put our hundred percent concentration on revising for the upcoming paper, Fard took on the role of a hardworking teacher - putting her creative ideas in designing lesson plans for her class.

It was a nice catch up session.
Exchanging stories of motherhood and being a wife, my favorite selengers made my day with their respective tips on parenting and married life.
And the glow on their faces were a clear reflection of happiness brought by love.
Contentment - its an understatement. :p

The day ended with a simple lunch before we headed home.
And while I was planning to indulge myself in 'sinful' cravings right after the exams, the man had to talk about training for the run.
Dingdong.

Oh well, that can be an excuse to get a free pair of running shoes. Lol.

:: revamp ::



The room has turned into a museum with all the clutter - piling books and notes.
Pretty much getting bored of my black & white.

Another holiday project - repaint this cosy space of mine. Red & Black & White.
New shelf for the books.
Plus a photo gallery for one part of the wall. Lol.

:: balance ::

Magazines have now become my major distraction when it comes to revising.
The fact that the nose is running like a tap water is not helping either.
So casually putting the notes aside, I got my hands on the Oprah magazine - flipped through the pages and the eyes caught an interesting article on 'woman&career'.

Put two ambitious people together, will one have to take a back seat then in order to maintain a peaceful and happy relationship?

Most say you can't have it all.
My naive self think it's still quite possible -to juggle a career, a relationship, family and time for self (for now, that is).
Though there's a high likelihood of you sacrificing one dream for another.
I see myself as a dreamer - to achieve a personal legend that anchored my hope to be one of those you will deem as 'successful' (in the eyes of society).
But because a dreamer often bring him/herself to a realm of fantasy, she or he may take a little time to acknowledge that one of life's cruelest trick is that things don't just happen even if you have put 100 percent to it.
Success has a funny way of telling you to stop pushing yourself too hard, to at least slow down for a second and be thankful with the things you have been blessed with.

I realized my choice of partner has always been one who has other responsibilities to shoulder apart from me, who understands the term busy and work, who is equally a dreamer, who pushes me when I start doubting my abilities.
It's idealistic, I know.
Though this same man may not be at my beck & call 24/7. May have his organizer jam-packed with events and meetings. And I may not have the luxury to be sent and fetched as and when I want to.
This is when it hit me that a girl can't really have it all.

At this age, it seems like there's tons to do.
And most of us, I figure, already befriended our inner strength and accompanied by a newfound sense of self, we are much prepared to achieve our aims & goals.
This strong drive may appear individualistic at first but if you sit down and really give it some thought, you'd realized you are actually working to provide for your own next generation.
Though not without a personal satisfaction attached to it at the end of the journey.

I'd still think its possible to juggle everything.
If in your relationship, support and share are some of the things you place a high importance on.
The rewards may come in a bit later.
For the beauty of love will only manifest itself when you both can conquer the odds, can brave through the challenges, can trudge along the difficult path of life together and grow up as a stronger and wiser couple.

And time - has always been the best witness and judge to the beautiful/sad moments that unfolds when you least expect it.

My man, I never said this often.
But even in companiable silence, I know how much you mean to me.
Behind this masked independence, I trust your hands will be there for me to hold on tight when the going gets tough.

The question that always strike me,
'Is my point of view more important than my relationship?'
Because sometimes the 'lawyer' within us tends to make a courtroom out of a perfectly normal relationship. So often told to stand up for our right and beliefs, we forgot the best remedy is simply to shut up.

And I ....... have so much learning to do.

And less rambling (without doubt).
plus think less of the unnecessary.

:: checklist ::

Even before I laid my eyes (and hands) on the new 'drive', the men in my life already had their share of nags.

'Don't forget to lock the car.'
'Please, don't lose your car keys.'
'Treat the car like your sibling can.'
'Please practice ownership.'
'So when you reverse don't forget to look at both your mirrors.'
'If its raining, drive safely, stick to the left or middle lane.'
'Daughter, if you continue to 'rembat', I'll take the car and bring you to bumper rides instead.'

.. are just some instances of the 'advance-advices'.
So the men knew my forgetful and careless nature.
If my head is not attached to my body, I bet I'd misplaced my head by now. :p
D, you have a job to do. BE my reminder. Make a checklist for me though we both the Didi and Gogo always either loses or drops our stuffs, I'm counting on you now. Haha.

Although I'm in excitement and my 'kemaruk-ness' is getting to me, I'm quite worried of my own safety and the fact that I can be reckless at times does not add to the confidence either.
Friends who had been my passengers can vouch for that.
How often Len had to get out of the car to instruct my parking.
Jannah had to keep a lookout of the traffic.
And Ain, screamed once before near the Railway Station.

But I'll be good.
I have to be responsible for myself and my passengers.

---------------------------------
Dad came back with a set of jokes.

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman : "I would like to buy a pink curtain the size of a computer screen."
Salesman : "But Mdm, computers do not have curtains..."
Blond : "HEELLLOOOO... I've got WINDOWS."

Wife to husband : "I wish I am the newspaper, so that you can hold me every morning..."
Husband to wife : "I wish that you are the newspaper too, darling.. so that I can have a new one everyday!"

The next one is a dirty one. :p

Condom to kotex : "When you work, I lose 7 days of business.."
Kotex to Condom : "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months!"



Thank you dearies for your well-wishes.
Just two more paper to go.

:: car ::

The new Toyota Vios may arrive earlier than expected.
Following the COE bid on the 9th next month, the car should be delivered by mid-May.
That's how soon I will be able to drive (and practice my parking which sucks big time).

Accompanied Dad to make the partial payment and as I secretly glanced at my old man jotting a 5 digit amount on the cheque for our downpayment, I realized I owe this man too much to even trade it with my life.
They say love don't materialize.
Yet the Dad had paid in cash three of my laptops and now half the price of a car.
We live simply with his definition of rich being 'one who is not in debt'.
He proved his words as the only loan that will be tying him down is the car loan or if I screw up my studies since he is my first guarantor.
The old man has only one concern, 'if i leave this world today, will my family have enough to sustain for at least a few years.'

Despite our occasional disagreements mainly due to the fact that we are both strong-headed, the old man had pampered me in a way that force me to be independent (that's ironic).
I'm learning not to take things for granted.
Dad has always been my pillar - the one who in his careless way of showing love presented a whole book of his own quotations; imparting his life principles and philosophies.
He who taught me 'so girl, if you go up.. where do you think you must go now? - down to earth.'
And the latest quote (one I've yet to decipher - I saw more humor in it)
'When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.' Lol.

So dearest Dad, for just being you - you taught me the real meaning of love.

And again, all it takes is Effort.

:: language ::

One paper down. Three more to go.
After years of sitting in the examination hall twice for every semester, I'd say the anxiety is slowly fading - now replaced by a new mantra 'whatever happens, happens'.
It feels good to begin a paper with a peace of mind.
My record-breaking semester, I managed to get a good 7-hour sleep before the paper.
Usually, before papers - it will be a sleepless night. A habit I got so accustomed to (since 5 years ago) that often I feel guilty for even taking a short nap.
I had this paranoia that if I sleep, I will forget whatever I learnt.
So today, it had been proven wrong - that a sleep is definitely needed before papers!
Now that a quarter of my brain space had been cleared, I've got enough room for rambling.
Like Jannah said, 'I am naturally a long-winded person.'

Sociolinguistics tomorrow - an area I've always been interested in (minus the exams).
Just the other week, we were having a discussion on language shift and language maintenance.
And the fact that our bilingualism might in the long run leads to us becoming monolingualism.
Truth be told, if I had not major or specializes in my own Mother Tongue, I'd see it as 'a not-so-important' language as compared to English.
Simply because the medium of communication now is mostly in English and the general perception that English is a superior language.
Its understandable to frequently use English in our everyday conversations because tentatively most of our peers are from different races.
But, the long-term effect may cause the depletion of our own native language hence the loss of our cultural identity.
And if the mother tongue language is no longer deemed as an important subject, will it affect my rice bowl then? Perhaps.

Not so much of whether my job can be sustained, rather a worry that our future generations will no longer recognize their own native language and the fact that they will turn monolingual - to a borrowers' language (English).
What's happening now is that there are many out there who feel ashamed to speak in their native language.
And I know one of the 'classic' reason is 'I think in English.'
I'd personally say thoughts never determine language; rather its your preferred or the ability of your language acquisition that decides which language you are more comfortable conversing/writing in.

I guess even if one never see the importance of one's native language, the least one can do is to appreciate or learn to respect it because language does speak volumes of a society and its culture. Though everything should be contextual.

Which brings me to another subject raised by one of my lecturers.
Does westernization equates to modernization? (digressing).

This is part of my revision actually.
I have to blog it so I can remember my points.

See, the way I've been rambling. It can never end.

:: price of my vice ::

I know right now, I should jolly well get back to revising.
But the weather is inviting me to sleep, the bed is calling and the yellow lamp is really setting a mood for total relaxation (talk about excuses).
Notes chucked one side, I got to reading Her World instead.

And the catch line of an article caught my interest.
'When it comes to vices, will our pasts catch up with us?'

Raking up the past has never been a desirable subject to start with.
How often than not, we wish that the 'bad' period of time we faced could be automatically deleted from our memory.
Don't mention the word forget. It never really existed, so I think.
Everyone has skeletons in their closet.
And many would rather run away from their past, rather than confront or graciously accept that it had been part of us.
My flawed character saw too many imperfections to even deem myself as one of the 'good' girls.
My list of vices?
Let's just say, I've seen night life, put my health in jeopardy to what I name 'a must have experience' for any normal and sane teenagers.
I've put a stop to that all that experience.
The blasting music once played by the DJ had been replaced by the voices of my favorite girls singing to the tune of Tokyo Drift.
The aimless walking around in town area now replaced by catching up sessions with friends.
And a lot of willpower it took to finally let go of bad habit - safe to say I'm much healthier now.

There are other things in life (like befriending the wrong company or getting to know the wrong guys) that I wished had not happen to me.
But seeing it in a new light, the exact same things made me a little bit wiser and more careful of my actions - more careful means considering consequences or asking the what-ifs.
Something the impulsive me had trouble relating to in the past.
Though I'm glad I started the 'experiences' at quite an early stage, its undeniable that at times I wished I could rewrite certain chapters of my life.

I've not turn into a saint (as much as I want to).
In the process of seeking self-betterment, kicking old bad habits as I began to realize, is less than a third of that journey.
For evil may appear in other forms.
Temptation often tests the willpower and at times, the sanity to live the old life especially when the going gets tough.
Some say the leopard never changes its spots.
Though I feel if you see life at its different stages and constant checks on your age may eventually bring you back to the harsh reality of life - you will never get any younger.

As I'm writing my words now, episodes of the past came flashing.
And until today, I've not braved myself to say thank you to the people who had once existed as part of a beautiful/heartbreaking memory.

And the vices?
I think I've paid enough for them.
For it once costs a damaged soul, heart and mind. :)

:: part II ::

With love.

:: girls day out ::

Took a break from revision.
The screwed up body-clock, with the help of RedBull and coffee, managed to survive two overnights of studying.
And so before this body fainted on me or worst, if the brain refuses to work during this coming Monday's paper - I'd decided its best to catch up with my favorite girls.

Got Jannah out off her house to Boat Quay's coffee bean for self-study session.
Finally after years of intending to study together, we managed to make our own notes without talking to each other.
Oh well, we had some breaks in between.
The number one distraction is of course, the camera.



(Part II has yet to be uploaded)

Rhino initiated the girls meet-up.
After so long and as usual the lepak-kedai-kopi girls 'invaded' Al-Azhar for dinner.



Time flies when you are having fun.
From ghost stories, to road accidents, to car-bitching, to 'digging' our private life - we share, laughed our ass off at each others' antics and do what we do best; EAT.
The night ended early since no one drove today.

I feel like I'm writing a narrative composition.
Haha. It feels good amidst the stress.



Thank you for everything. :)

:: matching pair ::

Things that I've sworn off when it comes to couple-hood : includes wearing matching apparels or shoes or bags.
So when the man purchased a set of matching Barcelona jerseys for us and went, 'One day, we can wear it together,' I found myself cringing and giving him a pathetic looking face, a clear expression of 'kental' man.

Times when I wished I had at least a romantic bone in my body.
But I love you, no less.

:: all white ::

It's all white now.

The template therapy. :)

:: its all about the money ::

Getting by with the weekly lunch meet-ups and for one who finds 'busy' a lame excuse to not catch up, I am definitely eating my words now.
So my man, I will do some payback after the exams. I promise.
Usually when you don't get to meet often, there's so much to talk about.
And considering the man is a rare breed (one who doesn't like to talk on the phone), I'd say meeting him is like a 'therapy' session - pouring out the whole week of happenings -vice versa.

I began to realize that once you have established love in a relationship, the next step forward is to discuss the most 'dreaded' and 'loved' (depending on how much you have) topic of all time - MONEY.
Financial planning - an issue couples have to face sooner or later.
Not so much about worrying if you have enough on a movie date or fine dining.
Rather here we are talking about thousand and thousand and thousand of dollars (note how many thousands I mentioned) ; one that pretty much involves the fate of your future.
Between planning a wedding and purchasing a house, my main concern (and area of interest) had always been towards the latter.
Anyway I know Dad will make a reliable wedding planner since he has more creative ideas (and creative also mean weird - which dad has a banquet-stall-like wedding in mind and who proposes a racial harmony theme on your big night?) and lots of contacts (means higher chance of getting discount).
Yes, I can be that cheapskate.

I guess my habit of frequenting the HDB and interior design websites really got to me.
The current housing price has doubled up since a decade ago.
Now a 4-room cost a minimum of 200k. And yes, it is that A LOT of money.
Its true, our CPF contribution should be sufficient to provide us a roof over our heads.
But a house has to come with a preferred and comfortable interior - which means more money pumped into designing a nice abode.
(I picture black and white. Dur)
And random checks with married friends say a renovation could cost up to a minimum of 15k.
That is A LOT of money too.

And now that Dad got us a car and I will be taking over the monthly installments next year, I have to accept the fact that I have to be responsible for my finances now.
Basic needs and saving for rainy days, something that don't bother me then, has now become one of my top priorities.
I'd stick to my favorite labels though (but with careful consideration).
Time really flies.
The man's graduating soon.
Another two semesters for me.
Since both of us intend to further our studies, there's other sacrifices we have to make.

Let's just say.
For now, the man and I are still enjoying our 'ten-dollar' pocket money.
Remember those days, when you only think of just buying food.
Now - there's the monthly mobile/internet/cable bills, insurances, road tax-es, parkings (and many more to come) to think about.

Love comes with a price.

Indeed.

:: mess ::

The clutter that explains the current state of mind.

Very much messed-up, don't you think?

Hang in there Mira.

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That feels better. Goodnight loves.

:: adulthood ::

Adulthood will see many of us growing being ‘diplomatically-correct’ as we learn that relating to other adults is not as easy as we imagined.
It’s a process of discovering that you are just mere human and that when need arises; the evil side of you have to make an appearance - to keep you from being used or dismissed easily
Then again, you should in the first place believe in what you are doing and know that if you are the sort who heavily depend on rewards and perks, you will eventually find yourself becoming a victim of your own expectations.
It’s easy to lose your principles along this process as people start feeding you with their perceptions and as you are thrown to a sea of choices, you’d realize its easier to conform and follow conventions, rather than trying to be a unique individual with his/her own mind.
Yes, different people think differently but how often do we end up listening to what others say so as to be socially accepted by others and be comforted knowing the fact that, ‘hey, I’m not alone – someone thinks or feels like I do.’
As we try to practice our individuality, we subconsciously, are finding people like us as a make believe that we are in fact, normal.
.And even an optimistic being will agree that during adulthood, the meaning of trust is only idealistically defined in dictionaries. Adults have only themselves to trust for trusting yourself is the only gift you can provide for those whom you dearly loved.

Just last night, I was thinking about the future of the Islamic civilization if the Syiah and the Sunni unite in an effort to uphold justice and see to the poverty issues that had cost many families their faith and hope to live.
But you don’t have to go far to see how easy a society can crumble.
Within small institutions or organizations, we witness disparity factored by a strong need to pursue personal interest and naturally we forget that the essential element of communicating is to listen (It’s damn hard. I’ve tried).
I had my share of experience handling difficult individuals. (I may be that difficult individual myself) and PR skills are not something you learn overnight.
There are times when you wish you can be in isolation. Times when you rather be in solitude than face other humans. But to shun yourself away from society may not provide you with the experience of being surrounded by positive people who can guide you through this process of self-discovery.

And adulthood, I’ve discovered, is all about responsibility.
For your actions, your thoughts, your words, your opinions will not mean anything if you are unable to stand firm to what you believe in.
But to err is human. And we know, as much as we try – we do fall sometimes.

To think that just a few years ago, I can’t wait to claim the ‘freedom’ of being an adult.
Now, how I’d wish I am that little girl who has the time to play water bombs after school, who runs around at playgrounds and climb monkey bars, who has not much to worry except the fact that I have homework, who innocently believe that life is all about games, family, study and fun.

Oh well, life has to go on and who knows adulthood is not so bad after all.

:: transport ::

Just when I was putting my hopes high (the fact that Dad is considering to get a family car) and picturing myself going for drives after drives, the COE price had to go up.
Now the dad is reconsidering his options.
It's either a car.
OR two bikes for me and bro.

Of course, Bro find this idea 'pleasing'.
And I, between a car and a bike, a car might sound more inviting and maybe, safer.
Though I got my 2B license on my first attempt, I very much fear the open road but on the other side, riding is definitely more exciting than driving.
The man has no say in this. Though he prefer me driving, ultimately its the Dad who will give me the green light to ride.
Dad was half-hearted in the first place.
But since he can be quite a confused man, I'm not really sure what he has in store for me.

Right now, I have no BUYING power.
Which explains why my thick-skinned self has to depend on Dad at the moment.
Ok fine, if I am patient enough, salary will come in next year and maybe I can consider getting a Toyota Rush. (after I revamp my wardrobe, that is).

Or maybe, if I can psycho my dad to over-trade the Uncle's Renault - maybe, just maybe I will find myself driving in a few months time.

Needs and wants.
Tough ain't it, to decide.

:: good morning ::

Rise and shine.
Back to my nocturnal self.

There's something about early mornings that gives me this sort of calming effect.

But not tonight.
I'm still on my clearing-assignment period.
One last research paper to go.

Cold shower. Coffee. And a stack of readings.

It's been awhile since I last met the man.
We are meeting tomorrow and I can't believe my heart is pounding in excitement.

Absence really makes the heart grow fonder. :p

:: patience ::

Reality sets in.
As the man's sneak preview of the teaching life comes to an end next week.
And when May arrives, he will be embarking on another journey; this time as a working man.
And in this field that we choose to serve, factors like conflicting schedule and ridiculous amount of workload may see us communicating less often or be physically absent most of the time.

A little readjustment to this change takes a lot of understanding.
And because our mind has been tuned in to believe that attention is what we need most from our partner (or else what is the point of being in a relationship?), we find it hard to grapple why sometimes we could not see effort being put in on our partner's part to initiate even short meet-ups.
The insecurity nagged. We then began to question our existence in our partners' life.
Am I not needed? If I'm not, why is he/she is still with me?

Effort, my friend - as it dawned to me, can be seen from different perspectives.
Correct me if I'm wrong but effort to most women simply means that wanting our respective loved ones to take time off from their busy schedules to spend quality, loving time together.
This is what we've been fighting for. Attention reserved only for us.
And there will be moments when we couldn't comprehend why our men could not even find a space to fit us in their schedules.

As I spoke to dad and from my experiences with male friends and colleagues, effort to men goes beyond spending that quality time together.
Effort means working very hard to provide a better life in the future for the one he will claim as a life partner.
This may not be a representation of the whole male population.
But to the men I knew, building that stability equates to effort and that this is the only way he can show how much he loves - how much he wants to be responsible for your happiness in the future. To them, the start may be rough but in the end, it will be a rewarding journey.

I was adamant on my definition of effort.
The man held on to his belief that we should begin with an end in mind.
We had a heated exchange on this issue.
Refusing to see from his viewpoint, I was imposing him my principle of relationship - that the objective is not so important as compared to the process.
Its a tangible and subjective topic to begin with.
To him, by having an objective, we inevitably will move along through the process.
But the no-purpose me who prefers to take each day as it is, thought that everyday we should build to creating that objective.

It leads to no solution. (especially if you know that both of you are stubborn-headed)
But as I reflected upon things that had happened to a good friend, I came to terms with the fact that I was not able to practice the greatest virtue of life; the art of patience.
I was thinking short-term happiness.
Since according to Dad, if you could not reach a partnership or understanding with your partner, then its pointless to even consider marriage because love has to come with stability - emotional, physical, financial.
Dad provoked my thought further by saying why should I be in a rush to demand daily meet-ups if I am confident enough to build a future with my prospective life partner - then he said, I can enjoy his presence everyday.

Though, the way people build their relationships may differ.
I think the essence of it all is to learn the meaning of patience.
We are so caught up with making efforts and used to working so hard for something (because society made us believe that if we don't work hard, we won't succeed) when all it takes is to do nothing.
For after all, even if we try too hard, we can't guarantee results.

:: she ::



There's still so much to learn - of us. of life. of friendships.

The man has resumed his personal trainings for the national Frisbee team.
While I'm stuffing myself with late night suppers and coffee.
Not good. Not good.
He might me the second man who will leave me behind during our runs.
(The first and only man was dad, who half away along our runs will fasten his pace and leave me alone.)
What luck.

:: Wednesdays with Dr Tan ::

I always looked forward to my Wednesday morning class.
D knows I'm a sucker for lecturers who make one ponders on stuffs that relate to practical aspects of life; lecturers who make you think beyond academic readings and writings; lecturers who share their experiences and educational/life philosophies.
And these type of lecturers often have a deceptive outer appearance.
They are the same people who hang out at coffee shops, same people who don in t-shirt, jeans and backpack. Simply put, people whom if you were to pass by in the streets, you would not have known they have a Dr. attached to their name.

She left us with meaningful quotes during our last lecture today.

'A good communicator...listens.'
'You can never change with time. You can only change if your thinking changes.'
'The power to define is the power to validate.'

So the whole three hours, she made us see beyond academic conventions and that the working world will remain a pleasant one if we hold on to our belief and not let what others say affect us.
I think this comes with experience.
Knowing does not make one any wiser (frankly, information-loaded can turn one into a cynic or one who keeps questioning the what ifs) and I truly appreciate the lessons I had with lecturers who not just mere teach facts, rather inspire and see that between grades and growth; growth plays a more important role in learning.
Oh well, we are in a way victims of the 'examinations bell curve' and work ranking system.
In another lecturers' words, it seems that everyone is competent enough and thus people now are targeting on weaknesses, rather than tapping potentials - its survival instinct.
Someone has to score the D. It's just a matter of who.

God is fair but the world is unjust.
As Ahmed (a character in V.S Naipaul's: Among the believers) put it, 'The world is mixed up now. People are confused. There is no longer any symmetry in many people's lives.'
I am a self-proclaimed confused self, by the way.

There are lecturers' who make a difference in your life.
And I have recognize a few throughout my learning who had really made an impact.

Even as adults, we do need role models, don't we?

I couldn't think of a good ending for my first novelette.
Though it was a satisfying 10,000 word of ramble. Lepaskan geram beb.

The epilogue (I think I am crazy).

Aku duduk bersamamu.
Berpijak di bumi yang sama.
Tetapi dunia kita berlainan.

Aku yang berjuang untuk kebahagiaan
Diandaikan gila.

Sedang engkau dalam kemelut seharian
Difikirkan waras.

Benarkah aku gila?

Aku suka menjadi gila.

Kerana manusia tidak akan menghukum
Kesalahan aku. Kesilapan aku.
Kerana mereka kata aku hanya buat kerja gila.

Tapi engkau.

Kerana warasmu itu,
Engkau terpaksa berhati-hati
Mengorak langkah kerana orang lain
Akan menuduh.

Mengecam tiap kekurangan yang engkau miliki.
Aku tahu.

Engkau mahu menjadi seperti aku.
Mencipta dunia sendiri.
Tetapi engkau takut bukan,
Membebaskan diri dari norma.

Engkau takut mereka akan kata
Engkau juga gila.

Warasmu dan gilaku.
Apakah itu yang membentuk manusia?

:: people ::

Hello D. :p

Since it was a sleepless night yesterday, today was payback time.
I slept like a pig. Ignored all calls and messages.
Woke up hours later, only to find myself panicking because I thought I was late for my Wednesday morning class.
Damn, its still Tuesday.
My screwed-up body clock is screwing my brains too.
No, definitely no coffee tonight.

A loved one is going through a pretty rough period of her life.
For a second, I felt the anger and a certain sadness that this could happen to her.

If humans keep in check with their flaws and work to seek meaning in their lives, instead of identifying others' weakness, the world would have been a better place.
If we understand that we are in no position to decide what is wrong or right for others or who deserves a chance to be in hell or heaven, we could have spared ourselves from unnecessary hurt.
There's a lot of truth when they say most of the time we are battling a good fight - not so much against others but within ourselves.
The self is constantly on a spiritual journey to seek self-betterment.
Though more often than not, we killed our enthusiasm to walk this journey for fear we will be defeated.
Talk is cheap.

And as much as I want to condemn the people who had undeniably do mean things for personal satisfaction, I find myself not in a position to.
The good thing about seeking faith is that it keeps you sturdy like a rock.
Even if the world is against you, the peace that comes from within will guide you through the hardship.

This is the after effect of reading Paulo Coelho's writings.

I knew the exact reason why I appreciate maturity in men (regardless of age) - they cause lesser trouble.

:: my midnight ramble ::

I've witnessed a little too many breakups (divorces included) lately.
Stories of how people just let go without even trying.
Stories of how people find it hard to readjust their lifestyle to suit their new status as wife/husband.
Stories of how people turned their back on those whom they claimed to love at the slightest flaws.
Stories of how people switched attention to another because they are deprived of them.

Truth be told such stories and personal experience taught me a lesson on cautiousness.
I can't claim to be a cynic when it comes to love since I am in a commitment now.
Nor can I be an advocate of love after going through a rocky period of what I can simply put it as - detrimental to my health and emotional well-being. Though it took awhile to see that from a positive light - that it raised me to be a partner that gave love only through loving herself.
More often than not, we heard about people speaking of love which I felt was more to the expression of the idea of love and not really defining the true emotional experience of love itself (for it varies in every individual).

If love had not existed in dictionaries, will you have known the literal meaning of it now?
And does love always have to come with bouquets of flowers, fine dining and countless of romantic dates?
What's tragic is that at times, pressured by peers, we put unnecessary strain on our perfectly normal relationship (I am mere human; guilty of that).
Confidence clouded by irrational doubts.
Faith shaken by insecurity.

Time will heal.
As cliche as it sounds, it really will.
Though not without scars and deepest fears still neatly tucked in our precious little heart.
After all, life is too short to ponder on heartbreak caused by love.
I pray for your happiness my friends. :)
Insyaallah.

It's going to be a sleepless night.

:: the cat interval ::

Someone was apparently eyeing my coffee.
Hello cat! I need it more than you ok!



Too bad cat. Coffee's not for you.
Please do not show your frustration by biting my TABLE!



That's the spirit beloved cat.
Never Give Up!



Stressful times like this, you get tickled easily by even your pet's antics.
I picked up a bad habit of turning on my yellow lamp when I started work after ten.
Just for the record, the room has a red lamp, yellow lamp and white lamp. (switched on depending on mood and timing).
The downside tho, yellow lamp puts me into a sleepy mode.

Just a little more.

:: the grand entrance ::

It's a crazy semester.
My brain cells are practically dying.
With three 2000 word research papers to be completed by next week, all of us had gone from living things to walking zombies.
To top it up, exams will start on the 23th April.
4 papers altogether.
Apart from being a caffeine addict and a library fanatic, I've not really been in touch with society.
Like hermit the crab. Macam katak di bawah tempurung. Croak.Croak.
I have to keep comforting myself that its just another month of sacrifice and come 5th May, I can enjoy all I want.

I am not usually wishy-washy.
But today as the man drove me home in absolute silence (it's one of those - I'm just happy to have your company but don't say a word kind of moment), everything falls into place.
Down memory lane - a story of how we first met.

Bugger. Heard of him many times and only saw him once.
Joked with my club president to arrange a get-to-know session so that I can have his number.
At that point, I was really kidding.
After a few months, I never saw him again.
Until a particular event when we had our first eye contact.
So how did this happen?
See. The man was sitting and happily chatting with a friend at UID.
I didn't see him until I was about to enter the building.
If you are familiar with the building, you should know there are many side doors and a main entrance.
I was already at the side door. Then I saw him sitting strategically facing the main entrance.
So what did I do?
I closed the side door (quietly) and headed for the main entrance.
I walked in (step confident), acknowledged his presence. He smiled and my heart started somersaulting (not before I smiled back though).
It was sort of a minute 'fame' kind of thing.
Oh well, after that encounter I hoped that I will see him again or something magically will happen.
But no, after a few days - I gave up. No news.
Though after I can't be bothered, I received a surprise call from a friend - telling me he is asking for my name.
And I went -- name for what? why never ask number?
I am very much a kiasu person.
But I waited. Days passed after he asked for my name.
No mention about my number.
Then my club president emailed the list of contacts of club presidents in NIE.
My first text-message to him.
The rest is history.
(No. He didn't ask for my number.)

There are some things you will never forget.
Though I often believe that everything is unpredictable.
Its spur and unplanned moments that we cherish most.



So how was your grand entrance in his/her life?
Hee.
(Warning: There are times when grand entrance comes with grand exit. So bear in mind that besides death, the other most unpredictable thing is relationship itself. It can be built in a day and it can also be destroyed within a minute - or much lesser if you say 'I think you deserve someone better'.)

:: up&up ::

I dragged the dad out of the house for some quality time together.
Even when he laid out the options and said take your pick, 'Either Bukit Batok Nature Reserve or Bukit Timah Hill', I knew he will have the final say on where we should go.
So even when I answered, 'Bukit Batok Nature Reserve', the Super Four found its way to Bukit Timah Hill.



So we got to see monkeys.
Along the way dad asked the weirdest question, 'have you ever dream you can fly?'
Of course not. Then he recounted his dreams of flying like Superman. Yeah right.
Suggested we take pictures of scary-looking trees and he told me I might ended up seeing more than just trees. I dismissed the idea right away.

It was a good time spent.
And we headed off for a 'teh-lepak' session.



The old man is the one man I am totally dependent on.

:: revolution ::

As the day suggests, it should be a Good Friday.
But I and maybe some of my other classmates will find ourselves stuck in front of our PC's finishing the last round of work for this semester.

Though I took a little time off last night for a good read.
I am not so much into 'political' kind of reads.
But somehow, V.S. Naipaul's 'Among the Believers: An Islamic Journey', caught my attention.
He gave an insight on the Islamic revolution from his travel experience in the Muslims states which include Iran, Pakistan, Indonesia and Malaysia.

Though I was a little bit skeptic of his writing (an irrational bias after learning he is a non-Muslim) before I even read it, it took me awhile to finally understand the content objectively; that he is not speaking ill of the religion and that he is just giving an account of the fundamentalist zeal that had gripped the young Iranians.
With no intention to preach, I'd just realize I know little of what is happening in other Islamic states as I am typing my words away right now.

Outside our priviledged and comfortable life,
people are fighting for their lives, defending their beliefs, crying over losses, living in poverty.
Things that we took for granted, things we thought will never happen to us.
Its learning to see the bigger picture that you will realize how small you actually are.

I think we have little excuse to feel remorse, bitter or depressed.
Though the downside of knowing people are suffering worst than you is that you tend to brush confrontations too easily; you see no need to make such a big-hoo-haa over things that you feel are petty stuffs.
And because we are mirrors of our imperfections, being judgmental should not be part of us.
But naturally (even me), never perfect, will find ourselves acting as a judge to others' lives, to others' behaviors.

Then if we better ourselves and yet be ignorant to outside happenings, will be called selfish then?

Ok, this usually happen to me after reading.
I question things that held no answers.

:: of late nights ::

I'm back to my 'till morning hours' of completing the assignment.
Two more to go.

Thank god for coffee.

And a good soccer match.

:: random ::

The man & I finally caught up after a week of being 'busy' people.
Though a hectic schedule is never a solid reason to not spend time with a loved one, we have reached a common understanding that this is the period work has to come first.
My Saturdays are occupied with either meetings or events and come Sunday, half a day will be spent at the tuition centre.
Weekdays start and end with a capital W - Work.
I am aware that I am leading an unhealthy lifestyle.
I took the workaholic route which could possibly explain why when it comes to choosing a partner, I need someone who is equally busy with work and understand what it's like to rush for deadlines.

Note to self and to some of you who thinks you can handle a workaholic.
Men and women's definition of workaholic and busy can be very much different.
See, even though there are 1001 things to do in a day, we girls can't deny that its easy for us to get distracted - thus when the beloved called to ask for a date, we can simply ditch our work for awhile (just for awhile) to just spend time.
Most men (I can't use all) that I know tend to be very focus when it comes to work, so when you asked them out for a time out, they will kindly refuse and try to make it up to you later.
I guess there's a reason why they say men can't really multi-task.

And we girls may have a slightly disadvantage due to the time of the month where our hormones become imbalanced, where our mood swings attack out of the blue.
It creates a paranoid feeling within us that make us seem like an insecure freak.
I am no superwoman. I had occasions when I feel like picking up a fight
- occasions when petty things like not spending more time (ironically, it was the same me who demanded my personal space), can stir up a heated argument.
Usually, couples' squabbles turn 'dangerous' because we pick the wrong timing to fight.

Lesson number 1: Don't bother creating trouble when He is busy with work. Seriously.
One thing we keep telling them that this paranoia is temporary (one that they can never fathom) yet it will keep coming back as and when the hormones decide to adjust themselves.

Just the other day, I had a good chat with a friend who is going through a tough time in her relationship.
It has been three years and the relationship is heading to a bottomless pit and she finds herself stuck, deciding whether to make an exit or stay in hope that her faith and confidence in the relationship can magically perform a miracle.
All she has to say about making an exit is, 'dah malas r nak restart.'
I understand where she's coming from.

If you love the idea of love, you might not fear starting again.
But for someone who has put in all her effort and witnessing it going down the drain, starting again might seem like a bad choice.
Getting trap in a repeated pattern. Just that this time, it is a different person.

These days, I've took too many walks.
Its my way of seeking solitude.
Truth is, as I was 'into' carving my career journey, I neglected the most important journey in life - the spiritual journey.

It got me thinking.
What if there is no tomorrow?
Had I done what is required of me as a being created by God?
Maybe. Maybe not.

:: venturing ::

Of the few places that I've been to, Bangkok has always been one of my favorite getaway.
Just behind the Asia Hotel, there's a Halal restaurant that sells real good food.
And if you'd been there, you should be familiar with all the great places to shop.
Especially the weekend markets.

My first time in Bangkok, the aunt book a room at Baiyoke Sky Hotel.
It is 80 storey high.
Our room was on the 50th floor.



This is the view from the 80th floor where we had our breakfast at the hotel's restaurant.
And yes, the night view was superb la.







Me and the aunt.
Behind us is the hotel's swimming pool, thats on the 36th floor.

I am not in a mood for work.
Arghh.

:: of hopes and dreams ::

A decade ago, I was posted to a girls' school.
It was Mum's wish to have me studying with the same gender species.
I remembered the first day of school.
Mum made sure my uniform's skirt was below the knee.
From the look of the class pictures and D's description of me when we first got acquainted, I'd say I must have looked damn horrible then.

Jannah introduced me to contact lenses when I was fifteen.
And by sixteen, my virgin hair was embarking on a destructive route to damage - thanks to lots of hair chemical treatments.
I don't see myself as smart then (esp. if your peers had A's all over their report books)
I am always last in class. Yes, its either number 37 or 38.
Mum had to meet the principal every year.
The subject that saved me was only my Malay.
I think my morale was at its lowest lows during that period.
My Prelims results could not secure me a place in any junior colleges.
I gathered I was already one of the 'No Future' kid. (I think 'No Future' needs to be redefine)

O Level results came.
It was not that bad after all. 3 months of 'crash' tuition paid off.
At 16, I had to make a first real choice.
Headed to MOE for the interview. Len accompanied me.
In front of 4 panels, I was blabbering through my way.
Answering the questions with no notion what was really in store for me.
Had I been really sure then?
Maybe I was. I secretly oath to major only in my favorite subject. I swore off Maths&Science.
I wanted to do Mass Comm but my English grade did no qualify me for the course.
So when the letter of acceptance from MOE came, I was super happy.
Though a little bit worried since it is a 4 year bond.

Throughout my training in Townsville, I learn a lot.
It was kind of a culture shock since my classmates were all of the same race.
Somehow we survived the weekly essays, planning for events and performances.
Friendships were forged. The interesting part is that my classmates came from different walks of life and age groups.

We were encouraged to further our studies (since my highest qualification is O levels then).
And NIE had just introduced the crossover.
I wanted the crossover. (everyone did)
But it was not really a die-die want. Its just a if-have-have-don't-have-life-goes-on thing.
I had other plans. To go overseas. Even if its just to a university at out neighboring country.
I admit I am never the hard worker.
When it comes to exams, I spot questions. (try finding patterns from past papers)
And I must say, for the whole four years of study I was more of exam smart rather than a hardworking intellect.

Last year I received my Mendaki award. It still seem nothing until I saw my parents' smile. (I still think awards are nothing).
I was offered the crossover. Which means a slightly shorter route to getting a degree.
Even after five years, I'd still get those snide remarks when I said I am going to be a Malay teacher.
'Why Malay?', 'Cikgu Melayu?'
Yes. It might not be a glamorous profession but it is still something I love to do.
People might look down on your jobs but like my uncle was saying even if you are a driver or a cleaner, you should take pride in what you are doing.
Which is true. Every time I talked to the security guards and cleaners in school, I feel I am no different from them.
I am still working my butt off to earn a living.
Once a while I will hear them complaining about getting ridiculous orders from the higher authorities, how they have to clock in 12 hour a day, how their meagre income have to feed a family of five. They were the same people who told me to keep studying and working hard.
Conversations with them really humbled me.
Each of us have different blessings. Some may have to struggle a little. Some are just lucky.

I am thankful.
But so what if I am able to complete university education yet I could not understand the true meaning of learning.
Its the people I met throughout the years that I owe a lot to.
The previous Stamford Road library staff, I'd never forget how they helped me find my books for research.
The security guard from my previous school that I was posted to who had a funny way of greeting me, '2 million, 2 million.' Then comes the hello.

Now that I'm thinking of doing my MA, I wonder if I will still be lucky.
To meet people who inspire. To chance upon strangers, who like me, are finding their path in life.
The man & I often talked about it.
How are we going to give back what we had been granted with.
And we agreed, its within the four walls of the classroom that we can accomplish that.
After all, we will be responsible for other peoples' children.

I know why I am trying to be as Superwoman now.
For I intend to retire early and hopefully do what I've always wanted to do - travel to third world countries. Now with the man in picture, I'd say my dream if achieved will be a beautiful one.

Note to my students (I know some of you read my blog:) -
This is Cikgu Mira's story.
One day its my turn to listen to yours. :)

:: running ::

We have decided.

The Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon 2007 on 2 December will be our first marathon together.

6 months to train. Lalala.

:: girlfriends ::

Was doing some 'housekeeping' on lappie when I stumbled upon my Pictures folders.



THIS was how thin I had been a few years back.
Weighing just over 39kg, I was mistaken for some anorexic girl.
After many fruitless attempts to put on weight (yes I even tried weight gainer powders), I gave up.
Now, I put on 5kg.

Girls who find it hard to put weight - stop fretting.
Over time you will get fat.
For me, it started after I begin my gym routines.
Somehow it increases my appetite. Eat&Eat&Eat.

Oh. And another tip, don't worry too much man.
You'd be surprised what happy hormones can do to you.
I miss that hair. Argh.

On a lighter note, I was laughing my ass off browsing through pictures of me and the gals.



Because Farah so wanted to taste the chickens at err, I can't remember the place.
We had to wait for a VERY long long time.
Patience paid off. We had a wonderful meal.



Without Farah.
She was inconveniently uncontactable.
Macam secret agent la beb.



My favorite picture of Fitria aka Pearl on our Valentine's day coffee session.







Fit's Apple laptop has a weird software that makes you look super ugly.



The gals during Hari Raya.
I shall not discuss my expression in that picture.

Suffice to say, my gals have been great pals.
And the meet-ups though not often are the best-est time in my life.

Newton next?

:: reviving ::

My old blog where I pen my thoughts and ideas in Malay has been revived.
And with a new look.
Hopefully friends who wish to share ideas with me can just drop a message on the tag. :)

http://miramazlan.blogspot.com

:: reading ::

Today is one of the rare days where I decided to set aside time for a good read.
So while waiting for the man to knock off from work, I headed to coffee bean with my favorite author's book in hand : Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho.

The best thing about personal time is it gives you room to sink into your thoughts, pause your busy life and bask in the beauty of your own world-colored with dreams, good and bad memories as well as lessons learnt along the process of growing up.

'Sometimes, on TV, I see tunnels and bridges being inaugurated. Usually, a lot of celebrities and local politicians stand in a line, in the centre of which is the minister or local governor. Then a ribbon is cut, and when the people in charge of the project return to their desks, they find lots of letters expressing recognition and admiration.

The people who sweated and worked on the project, who wielded pickaxes and spades, who laboured all through the summer heat or endured the winter cold in order to finish the job, are never seen; those who did not work by the sweat of their brow always seem to come off best.

I want to be someone capable of seeing the unseen faces, of seeing those who do not seek fame or glory, who silently fulfil the role life has given them.

I want to be able to do this because the most important things, those that shape our existence, are precisely the ones that never show their faces.'

- Meeting in the Dentsu Gallery in Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho

:: tagging ::

Here you go Rin.

Each person who gets tagged needs to write a blog post of their own 6 idiosyncrasies as well as clearly state this rule. After you state your 6 weirdness, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their multiply id (or anything equivalent) at the bottom of your blog. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you’re tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog for information as to what it means.

1. Library is my heaven on Earth. Put me there for a day, I can survive. Done that.
2. I am addicted to online jokes; I need them almost everyday.
3. Everyday I crave for my SweetTalk oreo chocolate.
4. I enjoy talking to strangers particularly cleaning aunties and uncles. (My favorite auntie is the photostating auntie at NLB who never fails to make me paper bags just so I can put my notes in them.)
5. I need my PERSONAL space. Which means you can find me sitting alone with a cup of Starbucks coffee, my laptop and camera on the Esplanade Sky Garden.
6. I cry in almost all movies. (Jannah & the man can account for that)

THE OTHER TAG:

1. Who is the most important to you?
My family.

2. Who was the last who sent you an SMS & call you?
The man. Mum was the last person who called.

3. Are you good in your studies?
I hope so.

4. Can U speak Chinese?
3 months of Mandarin course and I'm only able to swear and place orders at coffee shops.

5. Who was the last who said “I Love You”?
Dad.

6. Who is the most annoying person you know?
The stubborn being residing in Md. Sulaiman's soul.

7. Who are you tinking of now?
Its not s much of who. Its more to what. Money. and that black Dorothy Perkins dress.

8. Who are u chatting with?
It's my quiet day today.

9. Are you in trouble?
Not that I can think of.

10. Missing someone?
Jannah.

11. What day is today?
Tuesday.

12. What do you hope for ur birthday?
Quality time with the loved ones; that includes my cats.

13. Bored?
Too busy to be bored.

14. Last channel u watched on TV?
MTV.

15. What time did u slp last nite?
2 am. Attending to my unfinished novel.

16. Do kids love you?
So they say, in their farewell cards for me last year.

17. Do u make ppl laugh?
I try not to. But my selenger-ness often gives away.

18. Do u give ur secrets away to anyone?
Jannah knows too much.

19. Dumped someone?
On rare occasions.

20. What type of personality are you?
Myers-Briggs test says that I am an ENFP.

21. Are you tired of love?
Still figuring what's love.

22. Are you angry at someone?
Nope.

23. What do u really want to do now?
Enjoying the sunset at a secluded beach.

24. What type of girl do u hate most?
Dependent. Not so much of hate; rather annoyed.

25. Who do u want to see now?
Good question.

Let me think of the 6 'victims' some time later. :p Till then.

:: reflecting ::

I am in favor of a particular lecturer.
In his class (albeit its a 3hr session), I will never fall asleep.
In fact, in his class I feel that my general knowledge is really lacking.
Not so much in awe of his profound knowledge, rather his humility and willingness to share with others what he feels we should know.
Though no human is a paragon of perfection, I'd say he is one of the rare academicians that truly inspire.

So today a question was thrown to me.
'Sebab yang membuat anda merasakan kebebasan diri.' (along the lines of that)
Rendered me speechless for a second.
He probed. 'Atau, anda merasakan diri masih dirantai.'
I came up with the answer that kept reappearing in my mind.
'Pengalaman' - Experience.
Further discussions really got us thinking.

Are we really afraid of freedom?
Do we feel safer when we are tied down to something; be it conventions or commitments?

Possibly.

And after a 'reflective' journey home from school, I realized I'm suppressed by my own need to feel free to be human.
A being constantly in process of soul-searching.
A being who dares to be an individual in a society. (not individualistic)
A being who fights for her dreams.
A being who understands that the world does not only revolve around her.
A being who knows her own society well enough to defend it.
Is that too much to ask for?

And as I sat down and think, it dawned on me why from the start I've always been interested to do Malay studies.
It's like finding your own roots.
Recognizing the depth of knowledge my language has to offer.
And after five years majoring Malay, I learn that
-my society's problem is my responsibility
-its unhealthy to judge others who are ignorant; instead share with them what I've been taught
-if you really want people to believe your passion; you must first believe in yourself
-if people look down on you, take it in stride; no one can know everything.

I think lessons beyond textbook are those that make us human.
My process of learning with its ups and downs has shone a new light and broaden my perspectives on many things.

I guess, in every field, if you understand your purpose for seeking that knowledge - you will enjoy the beauty of it. :)

I am enjoying mine.

:: his twin ::

Spartan has a twin.
And today their owner decides to be vain.
So Spartan and his twin, Spartin, had no choice but to follow suit.



When the going gets tough, we cherish simple moments. Lol.

:: accomplishing ::

By the number of entries that I've posted within a day, you probably think that I have too much time in my hands.
A definite no. Time is chasing me, in fact.
Considering that I have three research papers and an unfinished novel due in two weeks time.
But I have a strange relationship with my blog.
Its like my therapy. Or even my drug.
When there's an overwhelming need to say something, this is the place I pour my thoughts.
Inevitably, it gets addictive.
What more I am trying to sharpen my photo editing 'skills'. :p
Its a personal satisfaction.
Seriously.

This is long overdue.
Things I intend to accomplish (hopefully) by the end of this year.
1. Run my first marathon.
The man's influence is getting to me. Marathons never really cross my mind until he mentions about running together. Note to self: he runs ten times faster.
Though I figure there's always a first time to something. I have to head back to my usual gym routine and running routes. Yes, it will require A LOT of discipline on my part.

2. Send my first novelette for competition.
The lecturer thought our work should not go to waste. With the upcoming writing competitions, I might as well give it a shot.

3. Ride a bike.
Its useless for someone with two classes of license to continue taking the public transport. Not that I'm really picky about it. My current financial state can't afford me a transport for now. So I have to rely on my concession card. Brother has a higher chance of getting his own bike in a few months time and being the second rider, I hope I get my first ride to school real soon.
Besides what are siblings for if not for SHARING purposes. Bleargh.

That should sum it all.
Let's see if I get to accomplish all of that. :p

:: about me ::



Try it.

:: picturing ::

Finally found time to upload snapshots from crazy moments to happy times with the equally insane comrades.
Amidst such a hectic schedule, the best stress reliever would be to let your hair down with some of your favorite pals.

Koko and I made a trip down Toy 'r' us to shop for her anniversary gifts.
She got herself a talented rooster who can sing and dance to the tune of some farm animal song.
Its really a place for both of us who still love being a little kid.
From Barbie accessories (I swear I hate them) to Spartans' swords to adorable-looking soft toys, we were practically raiding the store like some hooligans.
Even knocked down Barney with our trolley during the process.



This is Koko. Yes, this season the two fickle-minded cousins decided to chop our tresses.
Though we denied missing our long-hair look, it was obvious deep down we regretted spotting the new hairstyle.
The only consolation (one that keeps us determine to love our new look) was the fact that we were often mistaken for some young yuppies.

And because she was the star of the day. I didn't know how that happen.
Maybe because it was my Lumix and usually if the camera belongs to you, naturally you won't be in most of the pictures.
Instead of busy posing, you will find yourself occupying time taking pictures of others.
As happen to me.
But of course, the narcissistic me would never miss a chance to capture my own picture from the mirror of course.



We had a wonderful time after months of not meeting up.
She's flying back to Cairnes.
And I? Still stuck here doing assignment lor.



Jannah and I indulged in tasty Gelare's waffles.
Bloated and grimacing over the sight of our bulging 'paunch' (skinny can be deceptive), we headed home - much relaxed (at least for me) having to let things out of the chest.
Sharing can be therapeutic.

Just last week, the man and I - together with some of his friends celebrated Faz's birthday.
And when Kat is around, there's usually laughter and crappy jokes.
Kat takes good candids. The official photographer responsible for nice candid shots of me and the man.



In Spastic's style, this is how we show some love. Lol.



Now, I really have to get back to work.

:: flirting? ::

The body's been recharged.
Energized and geared for another round of work.
This time with (hopefully) a more careful 'regime' of planned routines.
As emphasized by my personal nagger 'A balanced diet, exercise and lots of plain water. And if you can't take care of yourself, who will?'
Its a wonder how when a man nags, he really nags until you are left with little choice but to act on it since its the only way to stop such nags. Oh well, we take the good and the bad.

Today was an unplanned 'teh' sessions with my favorite men.
The man was sharing his teaching stories. How the P6 girls tried to (flirt?) with him.
I have mixed reactions when I heard these kind of stories from him.
Appalled. Amused. Disgusted.

Although I am in the same field and am able to understand where he's coming from, there are times when I'm still shock to hear 12 year olds behaving in such a manner.
Coming from a girls' school, and having secret crush(es) with male teachers. (Remember, Mr Scott Sharpe girls?) And even then, Mr Miranda seem charming and the other Maths Malaysian teacher, I know its a perfectly normal situation.
Even then, we dared not openly flirt (we don't even know how to flirt, most of us I presume) and the crush(es) remained either a personal secret or a common topic among our favorite girlfriends; just for the fun of it.
This generation, however, as early as primary school - our girls are more open, more daring and more vocal when it comes to expressing their 'crush(es).'
Sexual connotations are normal, believe me.

I remembered a male teacher who came for one of our sharing session.
Gave a prep talk and some tips for those who have male teachers as partners; don't get jealous unnecessarily as when he was young and had just started out, within a year he already had a collection of 'love' letters from his 12 yr old students.
Having taught these kids, its really not surprising.
They can name my perfume easily. Yeah, they even recognized your smell (which is bloody scary).
They know the labels you wear.
There so many things they know, in fact. At times you really feel these kids don't really need a teacher. Technology can provide them with all the knowledge.

But, as one of my lecturers was telling us and as I reflected on it - there is so much truth in it.
What our generation now need is not so much of a teacher's knowledge, rather a teacher's wisdom.
But how wise are we then to impart values is altogether another matter.
It's a real food for the thought.
Realizing that your value system had at one point of time been flawed by impulsive actions and recognizing your imperfections; will it shaken your confidence taking up the role of an educator?

Though in my life survival book, the one thing that keeps me going is the usual phrase I said to D.
'Ala d, rembat jer la.'
Yes friends. REMBAT je. Who knows you will get lucky. :p

And another 2 hours with Dad. As he discussed work and life issues, I realized I owe my parents a lot - I can never repay their support, their guidance and above all their willingness to listen.
Dad never failed to let me think that whatever that has been granted can be taken back in a matter of seconds.
That is how fragile our life is.

:: recuperating ::

Dearest friends, thank you for your concern.
Kak Ila, don't worry. Someone had taken over your place as my personal nagger.
This time the male Virgo version.
Janna, yes I am trying to take care of myself. (A secret oath for someone who don't really gave a hoot about her health and well-being)
Maria, I still want to take crappy pictures with you. No doubt about it.
Karmila, I am surviving. Hee.

Needless to say, I plucked up my courage to visit the Doctor.
A dreadful experience for someone who flinched at the mere sight of needles, X-Ray machines and the smell of medicine.
They put me through the ECG test.
Apparently my results interpretation was Abnormal ECG.
However, the Doctor explained that it could have been caused by my sudden movements while the test was conducted.
She claimed that the pain could have been caused by muscle spasms.
I asked if stress had got to do with it, apparently it was indeed a major contributing factor to such attacks.
And the usual, 'if the pain persists for the next five days, I suggest you seek a specialist'.
Truth be told, the pain attacks as an when it feels like it.
I can't over-exert though I feel like experimenting 'the condition of my chest' on the treadmill tomorrow.
If I am short of breath after a ten-minute run, that will be a warning sign that the chest (or maybe the heart) needs serious attention.

It was coincidental that my beloved cousin is going through the same thing.
But I'm feeling much better now.
I guess my body is telling me to rest. Hoho.

:: pain ::

The sudden chest pain attacks really caught me off guard.
Crippled my senses for a fraction of second.
My refusal to go for a checkup has got a lot to do with fear.
As I was telling D, I'd rather die not knowing that I am dying.

Overworked. I figured.
To the brink of exhaustion.

Take a deep breath.
The overwhelming pain made me realized I am not a Superwoman.
No matter how hard I want to be.

:: writing ::

Bear with me.
This month is a work month for me.
Thus the reason, entries only revolve around work.
That reflects how boring my life can be.

After hours of finding the right words to bring the topic love across, I could only come up with this.
I am not so much of a writer.
(This should be my first and last novelette.)
Just something I'd like to share with my readers.
It's pretty lengthy. Yeah, I'm super long-winded.

Bab Tiga : Mencari Cinta

........

“Merepek sahaja kamu berdua. Aku belum jatuh cinta. Irham is just a friend,” Aalinah cuba menerangkan duduk perkara yang sebenar.

Tidak mengerti mengapa sahabat-sahabatnya perlu berpendapat bahawa setiap perkenalan itu harus diselangi perasaan cinta. Namun Aalinah tidak dapat menafikan bahawa setiap kali nama Irham disebut, hatinya akan melonjak bahagia dan apabila Irham berjauhan darinya, seperti ada kekosongan yang dirasai. Itukah dinamakan cinta?

“Usah berselindung lagi Aalinah, dari raut wajahmu aku sudah dapat membaca hatimu. Apa guna lari dari perasaan Aalinah jika benar hati sudah tertawan,” Yani berseloroh.

“Aduh, kamu cakap seperti seorang pemuitis sih. Hati tertawan la. Gue sehingga kini, tidak percaya pada cinta sih dan pengalaman gue cukup mengajar yang cowok ngak bisa dipercayai sih,” Rita berpendapat.

“Itu kerana kamu tidak cerewet Rita. Semua jejaka yang ingin berkenalan dengan kamu, kamu setuju. Kamu lupa bahawa kamu mempunyai pilihan,” Yani berkata.

“Aduh.. kalo gue ngak bisa setuju, gi mana gue tahu cowok itu istimewa buat gue. Gue perlu berkenalan sih, kemudian gue tahu minatnya, latar belakangnya dan segala-galanya tentang dia. Tapi nasib gue ketemuin cowok yang pada mulanya begitu perfect, tetapi bohongin gue sih. Mahu numpang kesenangan gue,” Rita menjawab selamba.

“Kamu skeptik ya. Tidak mempercayai cinta kerana pengalaman mengajar kamu cinta itu satu kebohongan; tipuan semata-mata. Prejudis itu namanya. Jika benar cinta itu kepalsuan, mengapa kita masih memerlukannya?” Aalinah bertanya, memancing sahabatnya untuk memperjelaskan definisi cinta.

“Gue ngak kata kita ngak perlu cinta. Ngapain jika bercakap tentang cinta, fikiran kita jadi sempit sih. Gue ngak percaya pada cinta yang pacaran. Cinta yang untuk cowok. Tapi gue percaya elemen cinta itu wujud dalam naluri kita sih. Ia ngak bisa dicanang-canang. Ngak bisa diretorikskan. Its a feeling, Aalinah. Its undefinable,” Rita berkata.

“Bagi aku, cinta itu perpaduan jiwa yang lahir semulajadi tanpa perlu kita mengungkapkannya. Ia hadir antara dunia khayalan dan realiti. Kerapkali yang merentap ketenangan jiwa pencinta ialah apabila kedua-dua dunia ini tidak dapat diimbangi; pencinta yang dibuai asyik dalam fantasi dan pencinta yang takut beremosi, masing-masing menjemput kegelisahan angkara cinta,” Aalinah memberi pendapatnya.

“Kompleks bukan pengertian cinta. Sukar untuk aku fahami bagaimana cinta itu kadangkala dapat mengukir kebahagiaan dan mengundang kesedihaan dalam masa yang sama. Lihat bagaimana ibuku yang dahulunya ceria kini murung, seolah runtuhnya perkahwinan yang dimaktubkan atas nama cinta itu menandakan hidupnya juga telah mati,” Yani mengeluh, kesal dengan perubahan sikap ibunya yang sehingga kini masih bersedihan memikirkan ayahnya yang kini sudah pun merencanakan perkahwinan keduanya.

“Itu yang gue ngak percaya tentang cinta pacaran sih. Ia bikin kita cengeng. Cinta seperti itu sih buat kita lemah, memikirkan rasain cemburu, takut dan hiba sih. Gue percaya pada kepelbagaian cinta. Hati kita sebenarnya dibentuk oleh rasa cinta pada segenap ruang kehidupan jika kita benar-benar ikhlas ingin memahami maksud cinta itu sih. Jarang mahu orang berbicara cinta dari kacamata manusia yang kasih pada kurniaan jasad, pada penciptaNYA, pada kewujudan insan di sekelilingnya, pada persekitaran dan pada keindahan alam,” Rita mengeluh.

“Cinta pacaran itu juga cinta Rita. Kamu pesimis jika menganggap cinta itu hanya mengeluarkan air mata si pencinta. Itu bukan silap cinta. Itu silap si pencinta yang terlalu obses dan taksub dengan fahaman cinta. Cinta itu sebenarnya simple jika kita membenarkan ia mekar dengan kepakaran hati kita sendiri. Kita cemburu, takut dan hiba kerana tidak bijak mengawal emosi itu. Its a beautiful feeling girls. Bahagia itu juga datang dari cinta jika si pencinta pintar mencari rahsia di sebalik keindahan perasaan itu,” Aalinah menjawab.

“Benar kata Aalinah itu dan yang lebih penting bagi aku ialah sebelum mencintai orang lain, kita perlu cari cinta untuk diri kita sendiri. Bagaimana hendak kita memberi cinta jika hati kita nihil dan kosong? Apa gunanya mengungkap cinta pada orang lain jika kita kejam pada diri kita? Jika kita hukum hati dan perasaan dengan sikap negatif? Jika dendam membukit dan benci menggunung? And to give others, you must give something for youself,” Yani menyimpulkan pendapatnya.

.... to be continued

:: missing ::

The new Exco has been set up.



This is the only time I can feast upon 'Uncles' in batik.
The only time I can mingle with the experienced elderly, writers and academicians in the Malay literary scene.
The only time I get complimentary books and free passes to conferences, NLB research room and launches (after all the planning and the execution of events).
The only time I feel 'older' than my age.
The only time I make full use of my baju kurungs and kebayas.
It is a male-dominated organization.
Which means lots of practical decisions and lesser room for emotional outbursts.



Jannah has been greatly missed.
One of my favourite picture of us; taken two years back during our first circus trip where we drooling over a pair of perky butt belonging to the AngMoh performer. Hahaha.

:: loving ::

Sipping my third cup of coffee.
And into my third chapter now.
From friendship to dreams and currently to love, I admit I am stuck.
How do I bring the topic love across?
Is it worth discussing anyway?
For someone who had been in and out of love for quite a few times (was it love then?), love remains an undefinable subject although I did mention to the man before; there are different stages of love as you embrace life
Love in your teenage hood is lust.
Love in your adulthood is responsibility.
Love in your old age is companionship.

What does love mean to you?

:: learning ::



NIE Voices are out for distribution.
I'd like to thank the contributors.
I'd also like to extend my sincerest apologies to those who have contributed yet their articles could not be published.
Its been a real headache; to squeeze in 6 months of events and activities into a 24-page newsletter.
Most contributors have been helpful, re-editing their articles after my constant requests to limit the number of words for the writeup.
Salim, you have been wonderful. I'd say the most efficient person I've ever worked with.
There is a lot of room for improvement.
I had to fore-go SingTeach article and the comic section for this issue.
Which I hope to include in the next one.

But its been a good experience.
I've received both positive and negative feedbacks.
I will work on that.
The dateline for the upcoming issue has been set.
Another learning journey; meeting many and more wonderful contributors.

Thank you all. :)

‘Hari ini, kita bercakap tentang cita-cita. Mereka berkata aku idealist. Menginginkan sesuatu yang tidak mungkin dapat tercapai. Benarkah itu? Apakah masyarakatku kini sudah hilang keyakinan diri sehingga perlu membayar pakar psikologi, kaunselor dan pakar motivasi untuk menaikkan semangat dan keyakinan itu. Adakah kehidupan kini telah mengaburi pandangan masyarakatku akan masa hadapan masing-masing? Atau sebenarnya, kita mencari jalan mudah dengan menyalahkan persekitaran dan orang lain sebagai alasan untuk tidak mencapai impian kita?

Sukar bukan, mencapai satu cita-cita. Dan kadangkala cita-cita itu berubah kerana kita sudah hilang kepercayaan kepadanya. Kita ragu dengan kemampuan kita dan aku fikir rantai yang mengikat kita semua dari mencapai impian itu ialah rasa takut. Takut memikul bebanan kegagalan dalam proses merealisasikan impian. Takut diketawakan sekiranya kita membuat kesilapan dalam perjalanan ke arah impian itu. Takut mengharungi kesusahan yang datang bersama impian. Dan takut untuk meletakkan kepercayaan pada impian yang mungkin tidak kesampaian. Tetapi kita lupa bukan; bahawa pengalaman dari proses perealisasian impian itu lebih penting dari produknya. Silap kita juga dan aku tidak terkecuali, kita mahu impian yang dicipta semalam tercapai esok. Tidak menyedari bahawa ia bukan semudah,sepantas itu.’

- second chapter completed. three to go.

:: breathing ::

The man & I finally took a break after a hectic week.
Today I brought Spartan along for our date.
(Read: Spartan is a gift from dad who got it for 2 bucks at Sungei Road)



And since the man had to concentrate on driving, I usually entertained myself by either distracting him or pretending to be his personal car-jockey.
But today, I decided to put Lumix to good use.
Like the man claim, 'Macam bawak tourist pulak'.
I was snapping and snapping.
Realized that Singapore is quite a beautiful place if you really take a good look at it.

Of course for a start, we have to take pictures of ourselves.
The man's not a fan of posing. He is camera shy, you see. Gulps.
And me? I love taking pictures of myself. Cringes.



The best part of driving into town during the earlier part of the day is that there isn't much traffic and crowd.
I caught some amateurish pictures in the comfort of the passenger seat.
The man suggested that I snapped candid pictures of drivers.
Oh well, it was difficult since the car is moving fast and drivers always have either a blank expression or a worried one.
So I took whatever that passes us.
If you are familiar with town, you will know the exact location of the LOVE.
Take a good look at the clouds.
My favourite picture would be the one that has the old man riding his bicycle along Park Mall.
I wanted to capture his expression but the man had already speed up just as I was turning to look at the old man.
To Cathay and along Handy Road to Penang Road.
And the best place is the tunnel. Tokyo Drift man.



Me, the man and Spartan enjoyed our day today.

How's yours?

(To Bestfriend : I cried watching 300 man especially the part when he said 'To my queen, my wife, my love before he died.)

:: Surviving ::

This past few days, Ive been running on auto-pilot.
Yesterday marks the end of a series of presentations that I needed to complete for this semester.
Luck was on my side after getting the first slots for the order of presentations.
It makes a whole lot of difference for the procrastinator me who tends to push her work until the very last minute.
Though the 'kick' of last minute moments is that inspirations, thoughts and ideas flow more fluidly than rare days when I decided to complete an assignment earlier than its due date.

Right now, without D.. I am sitting at my normal hideout for solitude.
Taking a break from piles of reading that makes no sense.
Tired of carrying out social responsibility. Being part of events that need constant exchange of opinions. The random 'hi-s' and 'bye-s'.
Have you ever wished for a day that you can be an invisible?
A day that allows you to take a peek into other people's life.
Are they really happy as they seem?
Honesty comes with a price.
And social responsibility, at one point of time, has taken its toll on me.
So, you may ask.
Why is she complaining if she is exercising her choice for active involvements?

For I am learning, adapting, getting use to the fact that its a dog-eat-dog world that we are living now. If in the past, its just a passing remark that I can brush off but now that I am part of the world where people play politics, where intentions can be misintepreted, where every action holds an underlying agenda, where sincerity only exists in dictionaries, I can't help but feel that its indeed a cruel society; detrimental to those who lacks confidence, self-esteem or even hope to live.
If you remembered the reality show, Survivor.
Where the good ones are often voted out earlier in the game.
Where the bad ones come together to eliminate the true survivor.
Where the winner has their own share of backstabbing and lying.
Yup, its the game many of us are playing in this working world.

The difference is we are in a different jungle.
And the enemy that can cause our downfall lies not only within ourselves but the environment that we put our trust in.

I have to get back to my social obligations.
Its lunch. And survivors need to eat. :)

:: random ::

Nights when I'm heavily dependent on coffee, typing my ideas in the midst of assignments completion - somehow there will be a fraction of time I stopped to enjoy the beauty of night, just letting my thoughts fly randomly.

Its a wonder how our mind work at different times.
How our personality switched at different occasions.
How the 'outside' us remains deceptive, even in the eyes of our beloved.
We don't need doctors to diagnose the 'schizo' in us.
And after years of living, changing masks for different set of parties with varied 'life' themes falls into a certain complacency that led me to think, 'Have I achieved what I set out to do?' or was I merely satisfying the normal human need termed busy to validate my self-worth in society.
'Personal satisfaction?' or 'Gaining experiences to impress?'

As I read my previous entries, I realized how shallow I can be.
Highlighting events that I felt was important to me then seem nothing now.
Had I intended to put myself at center stage where I bring people into my personal life?
Was I really keen on sharing?
Or was it alter-ego talking?

Nights when I'm heavily dependent on coffee, I question too much.
It hurts sometimes.
Given a choice, I'd opt for ignorance.
But feeding my curiosity always override that choice.

Which leaves me to no choice - but to keep questioning things that held no answers.

:: alive and kicking ::

The past few days, I've been preoccupied with work.
The folks were off for a short trip to Indonesia.
Me and Bro had to take turns doing household chores. (Thank goodness, Bro is so much more domesticated than me)
I did my share of cooking. Cetz. Mum left me with a few recipes to choose from with a very important advice at the end of it. 'Mir, tutup api!'
Yes, she fears her careless daughter will set the house of fire.
Like Moly specifically put it today after I can't recall where I placed my worksheets, 'Deyni blur tau.' Haha. Ko pon dah kenal aku. :p



D and I had to judge a poetry recital competition organized by our juniors.
Very much aware that our Malay had not been as 'proper' as it used to. :p
The juniors were superb. So many potential and hidden talent.
And five years ago, we were as young as them. Kwakwa.