she speakth

2007-08-18T04:43:00.000+08:00

MOVED

I've moved to the following site.

2007-08-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

action speaks louder than words

It's interesting how Her World gets me inspired very easily.
Stories of successful women who make their dreams come true by simply sticking to them.

It's time to put my thoughts into action.

2007-08-15T18:15:00.000+08:00

the confessions of a workaholic

I'm happy with my life, or in fact the lack of it, since upon reaching home I will head to my study to catch up on the readings & the usual cycle of writing critical, reflective and analytic responses to them.
While applying intellectual rigor to such readings is something I'm in favor of, having to voice my thoughts for the various modules in relation to subjects like culture, language, religion and philosophy on a weekly basis is definitely draining.
It pretty much makes a difference if the bulk of the grade is based on independent research work & that we can make do without four exam papers (back to back) come November.
For now, across all modules, we have to juggle between group presentations, research papers, reader's response, creating a website, photography, pedagogies, in-class seminars, facilitating discussions & the dreaded examinations.

On the positive side though, this semester is what I've always wished for. And it somehow paves the way me for me to understand the real essence of learning, of humanity and the important things that we've overlooked or took for granted.
But I guess this semester also puts my relationship to a test as me and the man now have a conflicting schedule & add the work-related stress, it's important for us to not sweat over small stuffs.
It's a good thing for the lack of physical absence got us much closer through sharing during our short quality time together. And for all his idiosyncrasies & quirks, I'm thankful for the man for like it or not, love has a way of telling you that there's no shortcut when it comes to finding true happiness or as Robert Browning puts it 'Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.' :)

2007-08-13T19:36:00.000+08:00

surprise

I was surprised to find a letter from the Singapore Press Holdings in my mail today.

It said, 'Pertama kali, terima kasih kami ucapkan atas kesudian sdri meluangkan masa menyertai sayembara anjuran kami. Karya penyertaan sdri kini sedang dinilaikan dan diadili oleh panel pengadil kami yang terdiri daripada tiga orang sasterawan mapan dan berwibawa.'

The thing is I never did send any entry to them.
I hope it's a mix-up or if it's really true that the entry is a valid one, I'd think someone send it on my behalf.
The bonus question is 'Who?'
The only clue I had is that someone knows my address very well. Spooky.

2007-08-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

love

EPL kicks in which means its Saturday soccer night for the man.
The unromantic us are into 'jiwang' songs now. (think Taufik's 'Usah Lepaskan' and Didicazli's 'Dambaan').

Wahaha.

"We need relationships to fulfill, but not to define, ourselves." - 'The Politics of Recognition', Charles Taylor.

2007-08-11T18:23:00.000+08:00

the driving force

I finally wrapped up my reader response. Another set of readings awaits.
And as I multi-tasked between work and blog hopping, taking a peek into other peoples lives had me looking into my own as I asked myself if I ever had the chance to switch lives with another, would I be brave enough to leave my familiar world and embrace a totally different one?

Ambitions drive you yet it shouldn't reach a speed limit that can cause you to spiral out of control.
As for me, the wrong turns I made in life had gotten me back on track for I'm letting patience take the driver's seat now.

And I finally understood why they say let go of all expectations and how rewards come when you least expect it.

2007-08-11T00:30:00.000+08:00

Words & Language

Stringing 400 words into a compact critical analysis response is currently an uphill task for me.
It didn't help that the article is in English & though I've just finished fishing for related citations/articles from the e-journals, I find it a little hard to translate my thoughts with all its funny technical linguistic terms into a comprehensible Malay essay.

Language & Culture.
Coffee & Late nights.

What a start to a Saturday morning.

2007-08-10T19:33:00.000+08:00

Addiction

It's pretty much obvious I need to stay away from Photoshop.

2007-08-09T13:27:00.000+08:00

:: editorial ::

The new issue of Voices is out.
Though I'd be more than glad to continue my stint for the next two issues, I think its time to hand it over to my juniors.
Since we are embarking on another project. A literature magazine which is still in its infancy planning stage.

Happy National Day people.

2007-08-08T21:26:00.000+08:00

:: Of phobia ::

Car has been fixed and the dad got me behind the wheels.
Its nerve wrecking I must say. Currently fearing my left side when it comes to driving and car parks. This might take awhile.

So today the man & I finally took time off to the bank.
And being the couple that could easily pass off as 'anak metro', we felt kind of out of place for a moment.
Nonetheless, its been settled.
Our baby step to planning our finances.

2007-08-08T00:47:00.000+08:00

:: Interesting insights ::

It's always refreshing to gain new insights from the respective modules that we are currently undertaking.
On my favorite list thus far (being such a sucker for sociology) are the Multicultural Studies: Appreciating and Valuing differences, Readings in the Malay language education as well as Islam and the Malay society.

All these modules are new modules which indirectly makes all of us guinea pigs since there will be no such thing as past exam papers or such but I felt its an appropriate time for us to explore another realm of the Malay world.
While most of us had pretty much engaged in heated discussions on canonical literary texts last semester, this time round its a totally different ballgame.
And call me bias or sexist, having male lecturers also mean we are given more room to express our thoughts though it can lead to an uphill task of coming up with a research paper of personal topic choice and having to present it to the class.

Granted, at one point, all of us had gone through the real teaching experience. And though the experience remained etched in our memory, we do realize come next year as we stand in front of our class - our new students with all their idiosyncrasies will punctuate our lessons with endless questions which most of the time has got nothing to do with the syllabus.

While we are aware of this fact - how nanosecond search engines has replaced much of kids' learning. How then can we remain prepared to have all the responses to our students' curiosity at our fingertips?

Language teachers, for example, may have to face a new challenge.
Cultivating interest in the mother tongue language and making them understand its importance.
There's no such thing as forcing now. Kids are brought up to speak their mind and to ask what they don't comprehend.
And while back then, our parents could shut us up quite easily and smartly dodging our questions which they could not answer, kids now find that there should be a reason to everything & if you can't provide one, you lose your credibility in their eyes.

This semester. I am foreseeing a lot of 'eye opening' sessions with my lecturers as they delve into issues close to us yet we are simply ignorant about it.

Our first lecture on Islam and the Malay society. And the lecturer (as always) posed an interesting thought - Take for example, a student asked you 'Why can't we keep dogs?' or 'Why can't we eat Chinese food?'
Could we get away with replies like 'Because God say No.' or 'If you do such things, you will go to hell.'
As probably they can easily give a counter response 'Where is God?'

And while we are at it, it will be no longer a surprise to have teenage students coming up to you and claimed they are no longer virgins - how would you react to that?

I guess its time we understand that social conditioning pretty much influenced our community's perception on current issues. And how our generation may be handicapped if the voice of our intelligentsias are silenced or dismissed.

With new knowledge, comes greater responsibility.
And that's another challenge we will face one day.

2007-08-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

:: Jump ::

Ain't no mountain high enough.

I'm loving my current modules.

2007-08-06T19:56:00.000+08:00

:: Back to school ::

13 weeks altogether for this semester.
Take away a week for e-learning and another for recess, this should be one of our short semesters.
Though on our first day today, we were already jotting down assignment deadlines.
And readings are piling up.

The man had a timetable shift.
He will be teaching the afternoon session & afternoon session for us teachers can simply translate to 'no-life therein after'.
So in between his hectic schedule and mine, we are slotting in our dates. But like he said 'play it by the ear by'. Then I recall how time flies.

The man & I agreed that this is 'work our butts off ' period.
While I like the picture of him dining with me everyday or have him by my side every minute, I'd have to forgo that for now.
And as I planned my future travel trips with Layla (we are in a mission to island hop at Malaysia), I realized at present I'm happy with the space the man is giving me.

Oh well, like the dad always say 'no hurry. if he becomes your husband, you can see him everyday'.
How true. The best part of the not often meet-ups is that you got to miss.
And missing someone can only tell one thing - how much that person truly means to you.

Fine. I like the man to work hard because who knows in future I can spend part of his pay. Hahaha.
Shopping by. I love you too. Lol.

2007-08-05T21:59:00.000+08:00

Playing matchmaker

So in the wee hours of the morning, my sleep was disturbed by a text message from a guy friend.
'Mira, remember that girl we saw at the computer lab. months ago - can you help me find her name?'
Apparently the last time we met this particular girl was nine months ago. And my friend forgot to pass his name card to her. So yesterday when he bumped into her again, he in his 'doofus-ness' did not get her contact number and like a typical step macho guy engaged a girl buddy (me) to help him in his search.
While I could recall her physical features, I totally could not remember her name.
But the paparazzi me managed to find her in the small Friendster world.
Let's just say that now my guy friend, the big guy who was once a former club leader & front man for his band yet shy when it comes to girls, is now on his own. :)

Then I was thinking about it.
In this modern age, do we really need a matchmaker to fix a date for us?
I know had not it been for a friend of mine, the man & I would never have gotten together. (And we still owe that friend a treat.)
I guess one way or another, an external force will somehow lead us to our partner.
Call it fate or destiny or mere coincidences - there's always a reason why we befriended people who eventually stay in our life as a good friend or as a special loved one.

Thank you my matchmaker. I owe you one.
And friend, good luck.

2007-08-04T22:02:00.000+08:00

:: Its all in the brushes ::

Thanks to Aidah, I finally got to design my template using the many brushes I found on the net.

This should stay for awhile. I hope.

2007-08-02T21:28:00.000+08:00

The Good Out of the Dent

My first accident encounter caused by overturning.
Even after hours, I'm still thinking about it.
Although its nothing serious, it kind of spooked me a little.

Friends know I have supportive parents.
But because they have always been as such, guilt is practically eating me right now.
Dad has always been my ''fixer" - even up till now where I sensed he's fighting his inner battle and having to deal this matter.
It was an eye opener though. As Dad 'activated' his social network and asked friends from the army for recommendations, senior warren officer & the army boy best friend of his came over and recount stories of worst accidents that they knew.

Then I remembered, every shit I faced - dad always got me out of it.
In the words of his army boy who helped me with my hostel transportation 'I'd do anything for your dad.'
I never knew the importance until I began to see for myself how at every wrong turn of event, Dad always has endless support.

So now, Dad had someone to accompany me to the workshop tomorrow.
I promise myself not to get behind the wheels until I settle the repair costs.
Thats the least I could do for the man I owe too much to.

2007-08-02T13:04:00.000+08:00

:: DENTED ::

Its one of drivers' nightmare.
Thanks to my lack of judgment, I managed to hit a wall while making a left turn at the car park.
I'm fine though traumatized by the fact that I will be responsible for my back door's dent repair costs.
I supposed I won't be driving until I save enough moos to get it fix.
Lessons of 'every dollar counts.'

Grrrr.

2007-08-01T23:56:00.000+08:00

:: People ::

I think I'd do well as a paparazzi, given the fact that stories often reach my ears before I had a chance to say 'No, I'm not interested.'
Feigning interest may be the only ticket out to not be lured by hearsays yet even the stubborn self did at times fall into temptation - only to discover that subconsciously I'll end up doing my own research & if possible get acquainted with the subject of the talk so that I can shake off such rumors.

Believe it or not, its a battlefield out there in the working world.
You'll never know who your enemies are until the comrades you trusted your life with walked away while you lay frail and helpless.

I love people. I enjoy networking. I like social gatherings.
But I learned there should always be a private haven within you which is off limits to people who finds pleasure in watching you fall.

Being true to yourself does not mean you don't have to listen to others.
Listening to others does not mean you have to compromise your true self.

You & I. We are flawed.
Expect the same from everyone else.

2007-08-01T00:05:00.000+08:00

:: The Work Trip ::

Recounting my short work trip experience.
The journey began on Friday night.
I was a little apprehensive at the thought of spending more than ten hours in the bus at first.
But the ride was fine and I found myself enjoying the night's serenity while the bus cruised along the unlit Malaysia highways.
We checked in our hotel at seven the next morning only to be told that we had to sit in a whole day conference that will start at nine.

The first part of the conference saw me squirming in my seat as I tried to fight my sleepiness but the next round of paper discussions triggered a heated debate on Malaysia's move to change the term 'Bahasa Melayu' to 'Bahasa Malaysia'.
While here we took our mother tongue language for granted, being in the presence of people who lives and breathes the Malay language can put one to shame for not having pride in one's own language especially when one dismisses its importance by using irrelevance as a plausible explanation.

The paper discussions ended an hour later than scheduled.
So we had only half an hour break before we were scooted off to the state's cultural center.
It was a superb 'Malam Puisi Nusantara' with special live performances by M Nasir and Kopratasa.
And I was practically turned on by the Acheh's folk dance performance that I felt truly culturally enriched that night.
So we got to dine with the Dato's & Datin's as well as Tan Sri and we even had police cars escorted all of us back to the hotel from the cultural center.

But the highlight of the trip was when Lela and I conquered our tiredness and decided to check out the warungs.
So at 2 am, we wandered off to scout for a good chill out place.
We chit chatted over teh tarik and talked to some of locals tending the night warungs.
Apparently, the person who cooked my mi goreng is an 18 year old guy!
Warungs have a strange way of making me appreciate the little things in life.
How if given the right opportunities & education, will these hardworking mats thrive.
Its a humbling experience as me & Lela spent our early mornings chatting away, making the best of our short trip.

We did a little exploration around the hotel area and was treated to the local delights.

Keropok lekor babe!

Headed home by flight.
Its only an hour journey from Penang airport to Senai airport and that saves hours of traveling time.

2007-07-31T01:39:00.000+08:00

:: Back ::

Safely home. :)

2007-07-27T15:46:00.000+08:00

Work trip

All packed. Will be away for a work trip.
Till then.

2007-07-26T21:52:00.000+08:00

Work

Finally, my prof. & I put everything together for Voices. From photo captions to headlines to text layout.
It was a grueling 6 hour working affair over emails. Me, my prof & the designers from the printing company.
It should be out probably next week.
My year stint as editor is coming to an end though with only two issues to boot, there was never a second of regret for being part of the Trainee Teachers' club.
When I came in, I had zilch knowledge of how things work outside my normal Malay organization that I've been working with.

But I realized had I not taken up my junior's offer to try out for this position (I recalled 'selling' myself in front of the other committee members), I would never have experience enjoyable working moments with people from different programs nor would I have the chance to exchange & explore ideas with my professor adviser and the opportunity to befriend the great people at NIE, working behind every event.

The foundation program people who helped me get through administrative work that I so loathe.
The emails I've sent to fellow contributors & me learning the art of 'chasing people'.
The crazy president who jokes & try to be serious at the same time - Shere, my great guy friend.

And truth is, had I not decide to commit myself to this club, I'd never get to know the man.

I love my work & I'm still chasing my dream - to start on Malay youth development programs one day.
And its a double bonus to have the man cheering me on. Though knowing the race to my dream may not promise a smooth journey, I'll take the risk and embrace new challenges.

Try. That's my new favorite word.

2007-07-26T01:32:00.000+08:00

Enjoying the share of workload

Best Friend & I met over coffee to work on the design for her ad campaign.
Nothing beats having a best friend to share work ideas & stories with.
As always, stress or not she will look like a normal person while I turned into a messy-haired, puffy-eyed monster.

Best Friend's Sony Cybershot has a daylight function.
Blinding - terang nak mampos!

2007-07-25T20:41:00.000+08:00

When size matters

Its always interesting to read articles on 'size' in women's fashion magazines.
Simply because there will be two camps making their stand on the size debate - one fighting for the 'curvy' women's rights while the other advocating the fact that skinny is attractive.
And while talk shows are trying to help increase plus sized females level of confidence, magazines are subconsciously dragging women's self-esteem downright to size zero by making thin models grace their covers.

That should explain why our confident self may at times be tempted to look at the mirror, scrutinize every inch of our body and ask ourselves (and our partners) the controversial question in every relationship 'Am I fat?' 'Do I have enough bosom?' 'Am I too skinny?'

If the mere sight of the infamous headline on size debates may cause you to flinch, try reading men's opinions on 'Skinny or Curvy?'
Always trust men to make things better or in this case, worst for us.
Notice their smug smiles when they say 'I like women in tight dresses and everything seems to fall nicely on her curves' or 'I would never want to be seen hugging a pole' or 'I like one with full bosom and tiny waist' (get a Barbie then!).

Sure, size 36-24-36 will get any normal sane guy drooling but how many of us are blessed with a figure perceived as perfect in the eyes of our society?
And while we are so bottled up thinking of our imperfect figure and throwing daggers at every slim female that breeze past us, why not turn the tables around?

Men (thanks to their naturally higher ego) are slightly spared from this size debate.
Tubby men have no qualms that they can attract women as easily as their other fit male counterparts.
How come we can excuse our men for opting to be a couch potato because we love them yet when we show potential to turn into a sack, we imagine signs of men's 'I'm-not-into-you'?

But if ask to fess up 'Abs or tubs?', I bet we women will much prefer the first.
Truth is, men and women have issues when it comes to weight but it's women who gets more affected by the size talk.

So the next time, he pinches your little flabs adoringly and yet you feel its an indication of him telling you that you are putting on weight, get an honest answer from him - because we women are at times guilty of being oversensitive when it comes to our own body.

Curvy or slim. It boils down to preferences.
It's health that we should place more concern on.

Sexy is a state of mind. I'd say the same for thin.

2007-07-24T21:27:00.000+08:00

Missing Her

Best friend, I hope you have completed your assignment.
So we can meet tomorrow. Huahua

2007-07-24T14:09:00.000+08:00

Meet the parents

I wish some doctor can do a lasic on my eyes.
I'm squinting as I'm typing away since my right eye is suffering due to a few maybes - either my lenses has neared the expiry date or it could just be the case of improper care of lenses.
So much for having big eyes, I am very much short sighted.

Reading Kat's entry somehow reminded me of the day I first met the man's mum.
See, the man & I got together after a week of getting to know each other.
And on the third day of our official couple-hood, he text messaged me, 'I told my mum I bringing a kawan home'. I know, sounds quite old fashion right. Kawan lah babe.
But the next thing I knew, I was already on my way to his place. I can still remember my nerves working against me & all sorts of thoughts came crashing to mind.
Will I make a good impression?
Am I decently dressed?

But it went well I think. His parents were great. As if sensing my nerves, his mum chatted away as if it's not the first time we met and the dad with his jokes got me laughing and I must say, it was a day worth remembering.
Then I met his cousins & grandmother. Definitely a small world since I found out the man & I had been attending the same primary school and madrasah. Hahaha.

I think it makes a lot of difference to be accepted by your significant other's family.
That sense of belonging that makes you treasure your loved one more.

So when his parents came up to meet my family after the convo yesterday and while they were talking away, the man despite his tiredness looked at me and smiled, all I could think of is 'Damn, if I ever screw up this relationship.'

That second I knew I could not ask for more.

2007-07-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

Another Harry day

The man's convocation today.
I'm too tired for words.

I LOVE YOU BY. Cetz.

2007-07-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

Vanity

It was time to re-stock my cosmetics.
Made a trip down to MAC and it took a lot of discipline to just purchase my much needed foundation although the line-up of new products were damn tempting.
So I checked out their website and I suddenly had this itch to buy at least one item each month - and right now, I had my eyes set on the eyeliners.
I'd say foundation, eyeliners and lip gloss are my essentials.

I feel very vain tonight. Lol.
And as usual trapped the man into answering ridiculous questions like 'What makeup should I purchase?' He had the gall to answer, 'Cheap ones.'
And the bonus question, 'Am I pretty?' (knowing the man I'm not expecting a yes). So I had to make do with the answer 'Ok leh - in my eyes.'
God only knows why I love this midget. Hahaha.

But I must admit the right makeup can make a girl look extraordinarily pretty.
Its like art, I supposed. Where the face is a canvas for creative expression.
Though I really hope that on my wedding day, I won't look cake-y for I know some brides after they were made-up, they were beyond recognition. Especially if the make-up don't match the right skin tone.
I prefer those which look clean, simple, flawless and natural. The make-up enhancing the natural beauty rather than creating layers to mask the original radiance.

I don't find myself ready to tie the knot.
Yet I like the idea of planning it.

Very confused. Dur. Sometimes I just think it comes being a Scorpio. Hahahaha

2007-07-21T13:17:00.000+08:00

Home

I'm one who likes meeting new people.
And frankly, I enjoy socializing which explain why if my schedule permits, I will squeezed in lunch time dates with some of my favorite people.
But lately I found myself happy in my own shell.
And I began to realize how much I needed my alone time especially when my workload doubles up.
It makes no sense at first. Because I'm one who used to hate the idea of being cooped up at home. But nowadays, apart from school, I'd gone nowhere. And even though I'm dying to meet my best friend, I've been putting it off for quite awhile which seem quite a miracle since our friendship, despite the not-so-often meet-ups, is still holding on strong.

It is really getting to me. This withdrawal.
Of course, this little change is making my parents real happy. Mum worry less about what time I will reach home and Dad no longer has to tolerate mum paranoia when none of her kids came back on time.
But as I did my usual pondering-over-unnecessary-stuff, I came to terms with the real reason I found myself 'attracted' to home - Family.

Bro and I are having our holidays now. And it's a good thing since we are spending more quality sibling time. Picking mum up from work, lunching with Mum, dinner with Mum and Dad. It sort of binds the family together. And this bonding had led us to feel very much thankful for having been blessed with a wonderful set of parents.

My parents have their share of imperfections. But Mum and Dad, being the complete opposites complement each other very well that we never felt the lack of love at home & the most important thing of all - support & encouragement.

It's funny. When you were sixteen, you can't wait to be out of the house.
But entering adulthood puts thing into perspective.
Dad confessed, our wild teenage days had been an eye opener for him too - he learned the art of listening & as a father constantly reminded us that we are carrying his name wherever we go & if we screw up, he will be dragged into our mess as well.
And as a Dad, he's often in conflict of wanting to have a 'perfect' child and having to accept us for who we are.

Bro and I still need our friends.
But as we talked in the car yesterday and he turning 18, we agreed that if there's one thing God has blessed us with - its a wonderful set of parents.

And where do you think I'll be spending my Saturday?
You guessed it right.
Home sweet home.

2007-07-18T22:35:00.000+08:00

Encounters

Nowadays I'm developing headaches whenever I board the bus.
So much for calling the man pampered when he claimed after having driven for a few years now, it gets uncomfortable to take public transport.

But today I opted for a bus ride to school.
Apart from the usual dizziness, I've been having weird encounters with strangers.
Like this afternoon, an Indo woman beside me turned to me and said, 'Kamu tahu ngak gi mana gue boleh mms?'
To which I replied, 'Waduh, gue ngak tahu sih. Ngak bisa mms sih. Tahu sms saja.'
We exchanged a few lines but I think she sensed my discomfort and called her friend instead.

And just a few weeks ago, on the way to tuition, a Thai woman who sat beside me in the bus asked for directions and she got a little chatty, 'I'm from Thailand.. You been to Thailand? I just come here yesterday.'

Am slowly starting to believe that my face has been imprinted with an invisible message 'MAIDS! Come talk to me!' Hahaha.

Talk about encounters.
Last week my tutee stormed into class shouting expletives 'Fuck. Cibai.'
Yeah, he was punished by the teacher next door so he came into my class venting his anger.
Teenagers are so full of angst nowadays. I can't understand why actually, not as if they have to work in some jungle to put food on the table.
Which reminded me of some secondary school mats at my void deck who cheekily asked if 'Kak, ada lighter?'

Haiz. Apa nak jadi?!
Weishemo! Weishemo!

2007-07-17T18:24:00.000+08:00

My vocation

I'm easily moved by a lot of things.
Romantic novels that tell stories of long-lost love or new-found love and even sappy plots in movies.
It's an unfathomable contradiction since in real life I secretly vow to not let myself get carried away with emotions and the notion of being presented with flowers & everyday I-love-yous can give me a sick feeling in the stomach.

But today I learned, inspiring speeches is just one of the many things that moved me.

The valedictorians' speeches left a deep impact as it made me rethink of the vocation that I've chosen.
Teaching is a noble profession. But I believed its never the profession that's noble, its the individual whose been entrusted with the responsibility -of any job- that defines the real meaning of nobility.
I've seen some irresponsible people in the profession. I know a minority who sees it as a 'last resort' job. I'm acquainted to a few who finds that their workload is an ultimate burden.

Everyone is a teacher - and most of the time its to ourselves that we taught.
We learned from past mistakes and we taught ourselves to not repeat them.

Beyond the creative teaching techniques and the modern advances of IT, do we really have the heart to educate and nurture young minds?
Do we have high threshold of patience to guide slow learners & discipline the naughty ones?
Do we have the moral courage to impart values & to discuss ethics?
Do we have the emotional strength to not crumble at the slightest failure?
Do we have sufficient knowledge to make students interested in learning & not exams?
Do we have time to listen to every student's complaints, woes and problems?
Do we have enough wits to tackle every student's questions & smart ass responses?
Do we have what it takes to be a role model?

They say you must have passion in teaching.
Passion ignites as easily as it dims.
I'd say you must have a heart in teaching - and it's true, love may indeed conquer all.

2007-07-16T20:42:00.000+08:00

Work Galore

I should have just kept my mouth shut when I complained that I was bored just the day.
Now, after attending two back to back meetings, I have more work than I could ask for.
Deadlines. Good luck to me.
Eventful Saturday. We rounded up our meeting and celebrated one of my committee members 69th birthday.
I have quite a few old men in my committee. Last I check, all of them were retired (rich) ex teachers & veteran writers whose old enough to be called my granddad.

The timetable's up and I'm very happy with it.
No school on Friday. Two hour lecture on Wednesday.
But a packed Tuesday - though the 10.30 start and a few hrs break in between makes the timetable look 'manageable'.
We'll see. Judging by the list of lecturers we'll be getting this year - all male - I think we will go back to being the geeky researchers working our butt off to complete endless assignments.

The man has a crazy schedule at the moment.
It's been a week now since I met my midget.
And because besides trying to get a pile of work done, I'm missing him - so I did what I'm good at. Irritate the hell out of him.
'By, want to meet when? Next year?'
'Over and out. Midget you there?'
'Hello? Are you in New Zealand?'

Haha. He got the hint although it took a lot of self-control not to turn into a whiny desperate girlfriend who sounds attention deprived. But he promise me a lunch, thats good enough.
And I know he made a good point when he said 'I can't wait to see how you start work - who will be in New Zealand then?' Haha. Too bad ler by - this is the post effect of a good 3 mth holidays.

2007-07-14T00:34:00.000+08:00

Of thoughts

Had it not been for my curiosity to understand how the human mind works as put into theoretical frameworks by people who had conducted social experiments based on human behaviors, I think I'd be a less forgiving person.

Although such reads provide logical reasonings to why people act as such, the insight gained may not necessarily help me fathom the same issues - discussed in print - if its applied to the real context.
The best sound & rational explanation sociologists could give is that humans have been (blessed or cursed) to be imperfect - oh, don't we all know that.
These imperfections, manifested in different forms, have been said to be more evident if its seen from another's eyes.
Simply because most of the time, we humans are blind when it comes to seeing our mistakes.
And more often than not, we created our own comforting lines to justify our actions.

In this century it may translate to 'nothings really good or bad or even right or wrong' - it's just what your code of principle you choose to live with.
But the right to your own mind demands another level of introspection.

As emphasized by my academic writing tutor - sure its your intellectual property & granted you may have a freedom of speech but could you exercise it responsibly?
I remembered that tutorial where questions were shot back at her, if we have the right to write what we want, why must there be academic conventions that we have to conform to?
My tutor is one with a quick wit, twisted a little bit of our mindset & asked back the same question I found myself pondering about -

If everyone wants to say their piece, who's going to listen?

It doesn't take a genius to understand that the social experiments conducted spoke of one big problem faced by the human race - communication breakdown.
Wherein lies the missing puzzle - what could have gone wrong as we proudly embrace technological advances?

Dad and I had our usual discussion over tea. Some days it takes hours & today was one of them.
My dad works with NS men - which means he handles young men. Eventually stories of his boys will be brought up during our conversations and in the span of two weeks, he had to witness yet another marriage falling apart because of financial issues that finally triggered to the husband having an affair without thinking of his one year old kid and his pregnant wife.

Dad is a chauvinist (and a stubborn one) told me 'It's women who hurt their own female counterparts'.
Of course, I said - its men who couldn't keep their eyes and hands to themselves.
But dad proved a point.
When had it become normal to head for a divorce if a slight misunderstanding went wrong?

Dad said a lot of it boils down to communication.
You may speak different languages and perceived things differently but there should be a way you could meet halfway and compromise.
When it comes to relationships, albeit any forms, communicating may simply mean spending a little of your time listening to another person baring his/her soul to you.
In our usual cases, often we forgot to ask the million dollar question 'Why did you do as such?'

For despite our wrongs which we believed to be rights, we have our reasons to justify our actions - it's just people don't ask for them.

And if we go back to the most convenient truth that describe humans -
Imperfection is second nature to us - it makes us no worst or better than another.

2007-07-13T15:43:00.000+08:00

When it gets a little too boring

I've been leading quite a mundane life of late.
Sleeping in the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up just in time to see noon.
After which I will check my emails and then picked mum up.
I'll summed up my current mood - Boring.

Yea, I still have work to do. Just a little more to go before the completion of articles to be included in this upcoming Voices issues.
Now I'm reading the valedictorians' speeches.
How does it feel to speak in front of a crowd and representing your cohort?
I'd think its nerve-wrecking man.
Maybe I'll just ask the valedictorians.
And the GOH speeches?
I sat for three investitures to hear the same content; just different mode of delivery.
Just so you know, public relations write speeches most of the time, and not necessarily the GOH.

Running late for my meeting. Toodles.

2007-07-12T20:54:00.000+08:00

Still under construction.
:)

2007-07-11T17:55:00.000+08:00

Tuesday

I was beyond exhausted last night.
The day started with the man's investiture. Catching up with his parents was fun & I got to meet Kat and Shikin.

At night saw me driving around with the girls.
Instead of our planned karaoke session, we headed to Clarke Quay and had our usual lepak session along the river.
And they practically spent half the time trying to solve a mathematics question!
Maths geeks.
But it was good as we shared the current happenings of our life - Rhino & Lenny recounting stories of kindergarten & childcare kids, Farah and her camps, Fit and her 'tourist attraction' jobs, our future & the topic of 'in-laws', I realized how important my friends are in my life.

2007-07-09T15:26:00.000+08:00

Budding Success

Come tomorrow and the following two days, I will witness yet again, another batch of graduating NIE students in their Harry Porter garb as they recite their teacher's pledge, bid farewell to good campus memories and embrace a brand new challenge in the working world.

I was part of the hundreds who took the pledge last year and boy, that day was a memorable one as I recalled the pounding of my heart, swelling in pride for having to finally complete a leg of the learning journey.
Granted, time invested in studying take years but the few seconds on stage, shaking hands with the guest of honor as you accept the folder can mean so much.
And I'll anticipate proud-looking parents & partners tomorrow.

Part of my responsibility when covering investitures is to interview students who have excelled in both their academic pursuits and active involvements.
This year, I had the chance to get an up close and personal interview with the valedictorian who was one of the two students who attained a first class honors and is also a recipient of numerous awards.
Coincidentally, this same girl is one of my favorite colleagues back then during my Practicum days.
I've always known her silly&crazy side. But she, I must say, despite her petite frame had so much courage and confidence to take on new challenges, even if it means exploring the unfamiliar.
It was a weird interview since we were so used to informal chats.
And so I had to resort to email and as I read her responses last night, it's no wonder she got to where she is right now.

But for now, I have to put together an article of her and for once, I really do feel proud of my friends who's graduating this year, friends whom I've seen both their professional and personal side.

Enjoy your Harry Porter day. :)

2007-07-08T21:05:00.000+08:00

Mr Grumps

It was the usual whine - 'By. Dad asked me to drive and he's nagging about directions man.'
The reply came in a few seconds later, 'You wait. I'm making noise at my sister for waking up late.'
So when I later told him how I envisioned my future being the victim of 'noisy' men, all he had to offer was 'good luck to you.'

Good luck, indeed.
I think its not exactly true when they say only women nag.
I have my share of nagging men, worst they are the two men dear to me.
So is there really something wrong with me or is it just their way of showing how much they care?
Take for example, just the other day when I told the man about the headaches I've been getting whenever I'm on a bus ride, the man practically analyzed the whole situation and listed me (in numbers, no less) why I might be having a headache. One, he said, it's because of my irregular sleeping hours. Two, he explained, I just started driving and it's normal a switch to public transport might cause the discomfort. Three, he said, I've been waking up way too late.

Me, being me (who is accustomed to such nags and have learned the 'silent' technique) chose to keep quiet and gave my irritating 'Hehe' reply.
Of course, it worked with Dad and it's working with the man too when he finally surrendered and in his defeated tone told me 'I lazy to advice already. You never listen.'
Hohoho.
Don't blame me by. Your mother say you got 'dua pusat' on your head. I also got hor.

Point is - men, they just love solving our problems.
As much as I keep telling my favorite men that I just need to 'whine' without anyone telling me what to do next, why it happened and so on, they will just give me a blank stare that in my woman's mind translates 'then, why you tell me your problems if you don't want me to help fix them?'

But now I've mastered a new trick.
Before whining, I add my disclaimer '... Just listen to me. Hold your thoughts until I asked for them...... '.
It has not guaranteed a hundred percent success since well, its stubborn men I'm talking about.

The one thing I've learned though, laugh the matter off (not serious ones please) if you want to avoid flaring up in temper or screaming your emotions out in the form of a bitch fit.

Oh yes, I'm an advocate of peace and harmony. I wish, that is. :)

2007-07-07T23:03:00.001+08:00

Daddy's date

At times I don't know whether I'm blessed or cursed to have stubborn men in my life.
Today was a date with the dad to the NDP preview.
We opted for a ride instead of a drive. As usual when he turned and said 'today you will enjoy two things - one the preview. two, the ride', it sure meant he will play his alter ego role as the hell rider.
My dad never quite understood the phrase 'slow down'.
Even his major w. officer could contest to that.

This year's NDP is simply spectacular.
A performance that keeps you on the edge & quite a lot of suspense I must say.
With the navy boats on the sea, the helicopters hovering across the sky & the army tanks on the land synchronizing to make one big entrance, I'd say my eyes couldn't glue to a specific area.
Everything just appeared out of nowhere!

And of course, the choreography was superb.
The lighting effects couldn't get any better.
It's like sitting in a big concert.

Ok dad. I had fun. Thank you for the tickets. :p

2007-07-06T21:00:00.000+08:00

Itching

I had my html itch yet again.
Settled for this after the first itch, I came up with a layout that clearly spells narcissistic with all my images plastered at every angle.
I'm bemused by the fact that the man said how scary it's getting when more upper primary girls came up to him telling him so and so likes him.

I sat down thinking of the fate of my future.
A year more before I face the teenage mob with their teenage angst & hormonal change issues.
Well, it sounds even more frightening when friends looked at my size and went, 'confirm kena bully'.

What can I say. Like it or not, that's the commitment I've pledged to.
And hell, I hope I can handle it when it comes. :)

2007-07-05T23:35:00.000+08:00

:: UP AND RUNNING ::

We're loving it HERE.

2007-07-05T22:31:00.000+08:00

:: AND HE LANDED HIS SECOND BOMB ::

He's unpredictable and he makes me fall crazily in love with him over and over again even though he will never do as what I tell him to or say the things I want him to say.
Hahaha.
So when he said his once in a blue moon 'I love you' before he left our conversation, I thought I was talking to the wrong person.

سليمان says:
ok logging off...pop pill n watch prison break
MIRA says:
okies drugiie
MIRA says:
haha
MIRA says:
bye by
سليمان says:
u noe wat
MIRA says:
wt?
سليمان says:
i love u
MIRA says:
SHIT
سليمان says:
HAHAHAHA
MIRA says:
am i hearing u ryt?
سليمان says:
dur
MIRA says:
haha
MIRA says:
oh my god
MIRA says:
haha
MIRA says:
k love
سليما says:
you tok kok
MIRA says:
hehe
سليمان says:
adios amigo
MIRA says:
bye el nino

2007-07-05T11:46:00.000+08:00

:: A BRAND NEW SEMESTER ::

Altogether, I have six modules to complete this semester.
It sounds much better that the original seven since one module will be pushed forward to the last semester.

I've been doing Malay & Literature studies for about 5 years now.
But on every module registration day, I'll anticipate modules that have to do with society.
I'm a sucker for that.
And this semester, I'm not disappointed.
There's the multicultural studies : appreciating and valuing differences modules, Islam and the Malay Society which will discuss Islamization of the Malays in the past and contemporary period, the conditioning of the Malay value system and the influence of Islam on Malay ideas in education, aesthetics, community life and economic ethos module as well as Readings in Malay Language Education which will look into the social construction of the language curriculum, bilingual and multilingual education, language and culture, language and ethnicity, language and cognition as well as globalization and issues surrounding the role of Malay language.

Foreseeing a hectic semester since the other three modules involve linguistic studies.

Just in case you are interested to pursue Malay studies in NIE, visit this site.

2007-07-05T02:18:00.000+08:00

:: MY LATE NIGHT ::

I still owe best friend another script.
I am half way through chasing the contributors.

And I just went into another round of template therapy.
That felt good.

Coming your way. The best friend & I will soon put our thoughts together here.

2007-07-04T17:28:00.000+08:00

:: BETWEEN CHEESY, LAME & CATCHY ::

Sitting at my favorite StarBucks with a Mocha Frap. in hand, I took my own sweet time to find interesting headlines for the interviews that I've conducted.

A good hour passed by and I could only come up with these -

'Service learning is not just about community-involvement projects. 12 year old Tasneem Hardie from Keming Primary School shed a new light on what service learning truly means.'

'The beauty of learning lies beyond the textbook and for the SLC team, its through rendering their services to others that they find the true satisfaction of learning. Voices catch up with former SLC chairperson, Muhd Sulaiman Othman and his committee members, Mohd Salim & Arivalagan as they recount their experiences and share their insights on how in the process of service, they unravel the true beauty of learning.'

'The sight of familiar venues may not necessarily capture the same old fond memories for each brand new day, a whole new experience awaits. James Chan tells us why the familiar may never be the same again as he returns to NIE,to 'refuel, retreat & renew' himself.'

And if there's one thing I learned from this whole thing, is that there's a thin line that separates cheesy, lame & catchy.

I'm more appreciative of journalists now and mass comm students, I have to hand it to you for being creative geniuses when it comes to words. Trust me, I sucked at this.

2007-07-03T17:29:00.000+08:00

:: NOW, FOR THE EVENING RAMBLE ::

The very much due run.
TOTAL TIME : 44 minutes 33 seconds
BREAK TIME : 12 minutes 04 seconds

ROUTE :

Jelapang - Petir Road - Dairy Farm Road - Chestnut Drive - Petir Road - Jelapang

Today was one of my favorite runs since I impulsively decided to change my planned route and went into one of the Chestnut Drive roads and boy, the houses there were damn huge complete with big brass gates & swimming pools.
I was clearly lost but one house led to another, I was enjoying a full twelve minute of dreaming to own one of such houses (which of course will continue to stay in my dreams unless I won a lottery or something).

But I think I like venturing new routes. See where the newly opened Bukit Batok road will lead me to next.

My best friend. She has a way of making me feel I should never refuse her request. :p
Working on two scripts for her Malay week & how can I not refuse when she hit on my guilty spot. 'Treat it as my birthday gift best friend.' Hahaha. Dodol Nurul Jannah.

2007-07-03T14:40:00.000+08:00

:: LADY OF LEISURE AFTERNOON RAMBLE ::

I don't know about you.
But I have a strange relationship with my mom - it's the kind you know you love her a lot but when she over nags, you feel like taking to your heels or if it really gets to your nerve, you wish you are a magician who can do disappearing acts.

Yes, that's how I will sum up my relationship with mom.
She refused to let me be like her during her younger days which I supposed must be quite a wild one, judging by old pictures & her social activities - she even got to model part time & in dad's words (throughout their ten year courtship before tying the knot) 'I love to bring your mum around because my friends think shes good-looking.' Yerlah father.

But two decades later & having to bring up two teenagers, Mom made a 360 degree change. More conservative & traditional - she wants a pious daughter (which I'm not, frankly speaking).

That aside.

These days I find myself getting closer to her.
Maybe because both of us are getting old (cetz) & on my part, I make it a point to fetch her from work everyday & drive her to the places she wants to go - the usual grocery shopping & my mom is wise enough to drop big hints of me having to do all the domestic chores sooner or later and as she cleverly puts it, it's time I prepare myself if I decide to have my own home.

I think my parents & the man has a conspiracy.
For just the other day, the man casually suggested 'why not set aside part of our earnings into one account.'
See, if you are the type of person who believes in taking each day as it is & you made it quite clear to yourself that you don't wish to plan for big things if you are not financially stable, such a suggestion coming from a beloved feels as if a bomb just dropped inside your brain & you are caught in between two extreme emotions - excitement & fear.

Can I bring myself to leave the comfort of my bedroom & share a new one with another?
Can I give up my personal space & have another planning for me to do 'we' things together?
Can I still read a book before I go to sleep & not disturb the person on the other side of the bed?
Can I sleep & wake up as and when I feel like it?
Can I feed another person & not let someone's son go hungry?
Can I make sure our home is where he feels best at?
Can I pay all my bills on time, now that its our house?
Can I love him enough to make him believe it's me that he wants to come home to everyday?

I'm not overtly concerned how my big day will be like - so long I know my groom will don a three piece Hugo Boss or Armani suit with cool sneakers.
Or the turn out of my 'hantaran' - for I've decided we should try giving vouchers instead, imagine lumping a 500 bucks Nike voucher & 500 Topman and maybe Adidas, that should save the trouble of finding the things you think your beloved likes.

I've been sneakily finding ways to break free from the traditional norms.
But for now, I've run out of excuse to not plan for the future even if it means taking baby steps.

Now that the bomb has landed, I supposed I can still convince the man, 'we'll take whatever that comes - each day as it is.'

I'm that disillusioned sometimes. :)

2007-07-01T20:58:00.000+08:00

:: THE FLEA MARKET ::

The weekend simply breezed through.
But I enjoyed both work & fun with the girlfriends.
Granted, I knew I had to attend the youth meet but it slipped my mind that I had to be part of the panel. Very much unprepared though thankfully I only had to do my little bit of sharing the experience.

Was in the mood for an impulsive shopping session.
And since Len was attending to one of her friend's stall at the Flea Market, Rhino and I headed to Home Club and boy, we turned greedy. Maybe not her, just me and I made quite a few purchases.
Cheap cheap. Dress to pants to shirts, all costing less that ten bucks each.
I swear I am now a self proclaimed budget queen.

It was good. But we missed the rest of the girls.

Farah. Karaoke sih. Bila dong?

2007-06-28T17:35:00.000+08:00

:: THE CONVINCING TRUTH ::

Rounded up the interviewing process.
And in my short stint as editor for the school's newsletter, I'd learned that the other scope of my work also involved 'chasing' the contributors.

The best thing about holidays is that you have time to enjoy afternoon TV especially famous talk shows like the Oprah Winfrey on Hall Mark channel, the Ellen DeGeneres show on Star World and Larry King Live on CNN.
I'm a fan of talk shows simply because I've always enjoy the discussions as well as seeing how guests respond to questions posed by the interviewer.
In a nutshell, one must possessed a quick wit if one is invited to be on the hot seat.

Paris Hilton was on Larry King Live today.
The famous socialite recounted her experience serving her jail term & that got me to reread her 'Confessions of an Heiress Paris Hilton, a tongue-in-chic peek behind the pose'.
And I quote 'When you get hurt, life gets very real, and then you have to stop and put the world in focus. I'm glad I was forced to do that this year. There's been a huge shift in my self-perception and the way I look at the world.'
Even though this might just be part of some interesting lines to sell a book, I thought it was worth pondering especially coming from someone whom the world sees as one who had everything come so easily for her.

If you believe you lack a good quality in yourself, stop grimacing or you'll end up losing yourself in a distorted belief that imperfection is a crime.
Man, equipped with his/her own survival instincts, are always cautious of people around them.
We may think, if we are not careful, we might get hurt & hurt is not something we can handle easily.
People hide vulnerability in many ways.
Some shines their qualities & tell the world how good they are while others simply prefer to take the back seat & confide in others their insecurities rather than risk being called an overconfident or selfish person.

Which ever way you choose to mask your fears when it comes to dealing unfathomable issues in life, has it always been easier to share them with one who seem to be able to understand you?
And how often do we, in our attempt to shove accusations, relied on the infamous explanation 'I don't care what people say cause they don't know the real me?
Come on, I believe you and I had been guilty of that.

The fact that our loved ones excuse our flaws because they believe the good in us may just oversimplify the real us.
Had it not been for conformity & laws, reason & logic, emotions & feelings, could we truly take the full credit for being good - the good son/daughter, the good student, the good friend, the good partner?

In our short lifespan, its impossible to know the real person residing in the souls of people around us. Heck, we are at times clueless of our real self.
So the infamous explanation may work after all - if lashing tongues manage to spread the word around, magnifying our shortcomings & flawed character.

The lesson is, I guess - simply about staying true to yourself. By that, I mean, learning & growing from the symbiotic relationships you have between you & nature as well as you and other fellowmen.
Maybe that way, you will start believing that there is good in you & everyone around you.

And whose been triggering me with the unnecessary thoughts & had partially convinced me that we are actually sanes living in an insane society?

Eric Fromm when he said,
'However unreasonable or immoral an action may be, man has an insuperable urge to rationalize it, that is, to prove himself and to others that his action is determined by reason, common sense or at least conventional rationality. He has little difficulty in acting irrationality, but it is almost impossible for him not to give his action the appearance of reasonable motivation.'

That is so true.

2007-06-27T14:54:00.000+08:00

:: WORDS ::

Six months to the deadline for the novel writing competition.
Reached the 10k word mark but am still short of 5000 words.
It's funny how after countless of times proofreading my own writing, editing my own words - I came to realize I was not only writing about myself but also people who meant a lot to me, those who had all these years confided in me and yet I let them be because I know my two cents of worth only temporarily reassure but can never be a quick fix to a tricky situation.

D is going to giver her second opinion on my first shot to novel writing & throughout the years of knowing her (we've been classmates since we were 13, back then in Crescent), I'd say she is the one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Had it not been for her, my time in school could just be a normal, empty one. Thanks love.

Best friend. You have always been part of my story. :)

“Ironis bukan? Dalam optimisme kamu ada pesimismenya,” Rita berpendapat.

“Maksud kamu?” Aalinah bertanya, keliru dengan kenyataan sahabatnya itu.

“Maksud aku. Engkau yakin dengan kekuatan diri kamu tapi keyakinan itu diselindungi di balik alasan yang tiada milik kita yang kekal. Engkau seolah menyerah pada takdir. Reda dengan situasi, tidak mahu memperjuangkan apa yang sepatutnya menjadi hak kamu,” Rita berkata.

“Tidak semua yang pernah menjadi milik kita harus dipertahankan Rita. Termasuklah hubungan kasih-sayang lelaki dengan wanita. Jika benar sedaya upaya kita telah cuba membinanya tetapi pihak yang lain tidak mahu meletakkan usaha, patutkah kita terus menghukum diri dengan menyatakan bahawa kita boleh memperbaikinya lagi jika berusaha dengan lebih tekun.

Itu membunuh diri Rita. Bukan secara literal. Tapi ia membunuh keyakinan, semangat perjuangan dalam diri untuk terus hidup. Apakah perlu kita memperbaiki setiap kesalahan orang dan menganggap kesalahan itu milik kita juga?

Aku rasa tidak, Rita. Ada perkara yang aku redha tapi ada perkara juga yang aku tahu aku ada kuasa untuk mencoraknya. Kejayaan aku, kebahagiaan aku juga kesenangan aku – itu yang aku harus pertahankan,” Aalinah menjelaskan prinsipnya.

‘Malam ini, sepi menjadi saksi hancurnya suatu perasaan. Biarlah airmata terus mengalir. Biarlah aku mendakap kesedihan ini. Untuk apa aku terus membendung emosi yang juga berhak atas diriku. Aku perlu kuat. Aku perlu teguh. Tetapi malam ini, biar kulenyap dalam kelemahanku tatkala kekuatan itu akan bangkit semula setelah aku berani bertentang dengan kedukaan hari ini.’

2007-06-27T14:11:00.000+08:00

:: ANOTHER BABY IN THE HOUSE ::

This year, I've gotten more baby shower invites than weddings.
D and I visited our old friend who gave birth last month to a healthy cute baby boy.
She's the gangster buddy that had seen my ups and downs years back then. It's so fun to see her becoming a mother, changing diapers & watching soap operas like she claimed she was now 'a lady of leisure'. Lol.

Congrats to you dear. Her son is as gusto as her. He didn't cry much and judging by that cheeky smile which he gave us when we called him 'handsome' boy, I think he will grow up a 'heart breaker'.

I'm still quite jittery when it comes to babies.
But I can't wait for D to give birth and see how Asnor junior will look like. Lol.

2007-06-26T14:30:00.000+08:00

:: the motto ::

Over the Msn, the man & I chatted.
And then he asked, 'By look - my nick. That is going to be my new motto man. What do you think?'
Always trust the unpredictable man to come up with weird things out of nowhere.
(Trust me, if a boyfriend makes you a running training log together with an objective, that is well I suppose, unpredictable)
So his new motto now is 'Winning is secondary. Learning is priority'.
What do I think?
I think everyone has a right to lead a life according to their own principles, so long it doesn't endanger anyone around them.
Yes, very much a politically right answer. Then again, what is right and what is wrong?

This is the part where a relationship takes on a whole new level.
Sharing your deepest ambition (even if you think its a damn stupid one) with another person whom you've pledged the unspoken commitment to.
So I told him, I daydreamed and in it, I saw the man & I opening our own charity trust fund for children in need.
To which he replied 'Oh you mean, the Henry & Saloma trust fund?'
(He's still gloating about that Henry-look-alike and a friend of mine smartly left a comment on my friendster picture in three simple words 'Henry & Saloma?' which he finds it amusing and when he had the chance to, often teased me with that.)

The man has always been my practical 'reasoner' which balances the dreamer me.
I don't deny the truth when he lay out the facts, 'You can't change the world by. There's only so much you can do but if you can change a mindset within the power granted to you, then I'd think you have accomplished what you have set out to do.'

Which then strikes me, am I right to believe that you got to have power to empower?

Put it this way.
Between Oprah and a fisherman who decides to discuss the topic of child slavery - whom would you prefer to listen to? I think Oprah stands a higher chance of getting her points come across.

From what I observed and from my little experience interviewing 'high-profile' people, they all know what they are doing and am good at what they are doing.
So to speak, a strong conviction to what you are standing up for is primarily essential when it comes to making a difference or directing a change of mindset.

Like I told the man - I had not intended to change the world. But having to deal with children from your own race who had no choice but to look up to their irresponsible adult parents as role models, opening windows of opportunities for them may just be the ticket out of a poverty cycle that had claimed their rights to dream for a better future.

But for now, the least I could do is be on the ground and continue to learn for if I intend to direct a change of mindset, I have to, first change my own mindset that undoubtedly had been clouded by irrational bias and irresponsible poor judgments.

And I hope the man will stick to his new motto and the ideals he had set for the children he's responsible for.

Oh well, who knows the Henry & Saloma trust fund might come true?
I told you I like to dream.

'The fact that millions of people share the same vices does not make these vices virtues, the fact that they share so many errors does not make the errors to be truths, and the fact that millions of people share the same forms of mental pathology does not make these people sane.'
- Eric Fromm's 'The Sane Society'

2007-06-25T17:14:00.000+08:00

:: the fairy tale ::

Ever since Henry made the move to join the Barcelona team, the man had endlessly recounted incidences of colleagues jokingly asking him 'why the sudden move?' and of course, being the thick-skinned man that he is (though he persistently denied such description of his character) , had the gall to answer 'They pay me more.'

So he claimed most of his friends told him he resembled Henry.
And I, being the most insensitive girlfriend of the century, agreed to that statement not before adding the remark, 'Yerla by. Henry boyan version'. (No offense to the proud Boyanese people out there.)

The man & I squeezed in time for lunch.
His timetable was finally out and I could tell, judging my his excitement, he's pretty much satisfied with the current schedule.
For one who will be paid more than 3k a month to teach non core subjects, such a timetable is like a God's miracle gift or something.
You worry less about marking & students' results and the good thing is you will have time to make the best out of your specialization & interest.
But we both know, this arrangement is a temporary one. Come next year, I can bet on money that he will be in charged of a form class.
'Nasib kamu byyyyyy.'

An old friend of mine had finally gotten engaged. Congrats to you Suzi.
And right now, I'm itching to pen my thoughts about every girl dreams (I didn't use women for I know bad experiences can make a woman flinched at the notion of tying the knot) to get married.

I am the product of the society's common mindset.
Which in turn had made me once believe that when a girl grows up, she will marry and live happily ever after.
This is true if you are 6 and your mother constantly let you read fairy tales, you can't help but lose yourself in that 'prince charming-come-for-you-and-gallantly-brought-you-back-to his castle' fantasy.

Parents, as wise as we hoped them to be, wants a happy ending for their children's life story.
But how often were we told, in the process of our growing up years, to fish for the right person?
Would it be less painful if from the start our parents had issued us a list of 'men/women-you-should-stay-away-from' instead of letting us experienced the whole messy process which if it turned out real bad, shaped us to one who swore off love & succumb to the harsh reality that happy endings only happened to characters in stories, not people?
But we can't blame them, could we. Our parents are not psychics and they too, had once been young and knew getting there means having to stick together through thick and thin.

I am a fan of romance novels. And it's nice to see that there are people out there who still believes that everyone deserves a happy ending.
Cinderella found her happiness because her prince charming had the patience & make an effort to look for the girl who fits into the glass slippers that he found.
Snow White had to die before prince charming came to claim her as his bride.
If there's one thing to learn about fairy tales that is applicable to life, it's the simple fact that if you really want it, you have to work for it.
And no, you don't need to lose your slippers (because our modern man might not have ample time to go around finding the perfect fit) and no you don't have to die in the hands of your cruel stepmother before someone kisses you and bring you back to life.

The modern fairy tale has a little twist to it.
Princesses no longer need to be rescued to have a happy ending.
Princesses no longer spend her days sitting & waiting for the right man to claim her.
Because modern men are not prince charming, (yes they charm their way into your life and in some cases smartly charm their way out of it too) for most fear the prospect of saving a woman because it means having to face difficulties and some even find the idea of saving as a sign of weakness.
And now it doesn't take a genius to know that the little twist is that a happy ending does not necessary mean walking down the aisle and having a truckload of cute kids, but the feeling of content having to live and enjoy each every minute of your time doing things you love and whit those whom loved you.

So the next time any makcik asked you the bonus question 'When is your turn?'
You have many ways to reply - one, show of your sweetest grin and don't utter a word or if you are very cruel, the next time you attend a relative funeral and happened to see the same makcik whose been bugging you with the question, tapped her shoulders and asked 'When is your turn?'
That should get her off your back for a very long time.

But for now, the man & I will be happy to answer, 'Lepas awak.' or 'Tunggu cik sponsore' or 'Wait long long' or the safest will be, 'Insyaallah, kalau ada jodoh'.

Come on, I've yet enjoy my couple-dom to the fullest. :p

2007-06-24T00:34:00.000+08:00

:: the lunch ::

Ritz Carlton Millenia.

The unglamorous.

The colleagues.

The favorite mobster.
In the men's world, I am very much vertically challenged!

Jannah was there as well, far on the other side.
But I got to meet my favorite boy, Rizky.

Finally I got to watch Hady and Taufik performed live.
They are so damn popular that the makciks were behaving like infatuated groupies. Lol.

2007-06-22T21:03:00.000+08:00

:: a toast to my favorite girl ::

The other day, she earnestly popped up the bonus question to which of course she was expecting a logical reply - 'What would you do if you were in my shoes?'
She forgot that her best friend is anything but logical so she had to make do with the answer, 'Darling, I would love to be in your shoes but I'm afraid we wear different sizes.'
It's downright bitchy, I know. But the best friend knows how much our friendship is built upon frank & tactful remarks and my bitchy answer could only mean one thing - 'I don't even want to pretend I feel what you feel.'

She is one heck of a strong lady despite her sudden emotional outburst which of course, only happened when she's all alone in her bedroom with her bears (that she talked to everyday), while thinking of the unnecessary.
She's not a whiner and neither is she a quitter.
And at times, a pang of regret washed over me as I recalled moments when I told her to keep having faith which she apparently did - the blind faith that nearly killed her optimism & her desire to love.
It's sad to be sailing your own love boat only to know that your best friend is figuring out a way to rescue herself from drowning after the tragic 'capsize' of her own.

Heck, but it got us to stick to each other like glue.
It got us to think of the little things that we've took for granted.
But most importantly, it got us to rethink of the word 'appreciate'.
I told her, her good looks could be a curse for she keeps attracting the wrong men.
Though we went through this and decided we are partly to blame for the wrongdoings in our previous relationship and the tears that we shed are simply payback to the sins we had committed.

The best friend & I tell each other what needs to be told.
But we had never once judged each other's actions.
It's a simple principle that we believe in; pointing other's flaws only mirrors our own.
I am in no position to let her know what and who is truly deserving of her and neither has she the right to tell me how to run my own life.

Troubled as she is right now, I still want her to be happy on her birthday.

And of course she knows her best friend is broke on her birthday, yet again. :p

I heart thee love.

2007-06-22T18:01:00.000+08:00

:: interviewing in progress ::

I've been cracking up my brain coming up with questions for the interviews.
It's a good thing best friend is in mass comm so at least I get a second opinion & her blunt honesty, that is.
Her World helps too.
My problem with words is, I get too carried away easily which eventually leads me to sounding like an old nag who beats around the bush.
So crafting a question that can spark an interesting response using economical words is definitely a BIG challenge.

Finally got to reading Eric Fromm's 'The Sane Society'

He threw a question that's rather provoking.

'Can we be so sure that we are not deceiving ourselves? Many an inmate of an insane asylum is convinced that everybody else is crazy, except himself. Many a severe neurotic believes that his compulsive rituals or his hysteric outbursts are normal reactions to somewhat abnormal circumstances.
How about ourselves?'

2007-06-19T16:30:00.000+08:00

:: the ultimate girl power ::

I was helping out at the NIE registration just now and had a chance to meet old acquaintances & secondary school friends who will be joining the fraternity soon.
Welcome, welcome. Hehe.

Working with staff outside the education world has always been a pleasant experience for me as I begin to see that everyone has a role to play no matter who and where you are.
It's always interesting to mingle and then have something to take away from short interactions.
Somehow it goes to show no matter how highly or lowly you think of yourself, there is someone who is better than you and at the other spectrum, someone who is less fortunate than you.

Squeezed a little time for gym - the 20 minute run, miraculously, managed to re-energize the tired body and I'm quite surprise, its making me mentally awake too.
My usual routine after gym will be to head down to my favorite coffee shop outside school and the man joined me awhile later after spending half a day playing soccer with the boys.
I think men are less grumpy after sweating out in the field. Tested and proven.

He threw a careless remark during our conversation which I took as a real compliment.
Somewhere along the lines of - you not only act tough but you are one tough lady.
I know the man well enough to not expect flowery words or you-are-the-most-beautiful girl kinda thing; heck that's an outright lie since we both very well know I can never match Nadya Hutagalung's beauty or even Jessica Alba great body.
So to be told I am a tough lady according to his definition really caught me off guard, though the stupid thing was I did not question it further and only began to realize a while later that the remark has indeed aroused my curiosity.

I won't call myself tough since in everything I do, a man's support has always been one of the driving force that keeps me going.
I am still dependable on men despite enjoying my personal time.
And I pretty much think I do find it interesting having a fun banter between me and the man, to see the ego trying to win in every situation and finally compromising for the better as well as witnessing the ambitious nature of men pursuing their goals can really tell how the higher level of testosterones in men truly separates us from them.

Can we really live without men?

Feminists have convincingly proved that men are really not necessary since tests conducted have shown that a group of scientists experimenting with mice have managed to come up with a way for mice to reproduce without needing the sperm.
Interesting thing is, it is possible for human too.

With due respect to the fight for gender quality, I must say the thought of conceiving without the intimate act of love is not something I look forward to.
If there's one thing a man is good at (provided you have been blessed with a responsible one), I'd say it would be to offer a sense of protection.

Having a good cry on a man's shoulders.
Having a stronger pair of hands to hold from falling.
Having a practical reasoning to overcome emotional impulses.
Having a breadwinner to support.
Having a father figure to lead.

May just be some of the things we appreciate them for.

But truth is, it's never a breeze to find pleasure in all the above if there is never an understanding on the roles each has to play.

To the man, this tough lady has her soft spots too and for all you know, you have always been a good punching bag. Hoho.

That said.

Have you found your own punching bag who toughens you up instead of making you feel as if you are a meek woman who can't stand up on her own?

I bet you will if you, well, plunge into taking an emotional risk.

2007-06-18T18:40:00.000+08:00

:: snip snip snip ::

This few days saw me knocking out each time I downed the cough syrup & flu pill.
I've been resting too much, I think.
But I got to meet the man for awhile to get his convocation gown.
Graduation. It's one of those moments when you finally could heave a sigh of relief after going through a period of study. Though not before reality sets in where you now have to face the working world which then makes you realize how much you prefer studying because of its flexible hours as compared to the stress that work demands.
I took a glance at the man, with his nerd classes and that 'butterfly' gown & the mortar board (whoever designs those gowns has a weird sense of fashion) & chuckled at the sight of his Harry Porter gone wrong look.

I've only been with him towards the end of his study but I dare say partners who had witness your significant other going through the whole course of study should be beaming in pride right now.
Hell why not?
Years of trying to be the best supporter, to be the most understanding & tolerant person to a partner who could easily swing to different modes of mood when its nearing exam period & when assignments have to take priority over quality time.
Patience pays off and girls, this is the time you will be smiling & grinning like a pampered princess - when the paycheck rolls in and your man starts buying you gifts or in the man's words 'go check around for a pair of jeans you like, then I will wire the money into your account so you can get one for yourself.'
Ah, but you know we tend to hide our greed and say words like 'its ok by, you don't have to get me anything' (that's me la!) but in your heart you wish, every payday this buying-for-you a gift will happen. Lol.
Though I think this might be a little compensation to the final adjustment of working life.

Nonetheless, I share the man's excitement to have finally completed his studies with honors.
And since I have to cover all the investitures this time, I can get to see him on stage in that Harry Porter getup.

My lack of discipline truly shows.
While waiting for the man to round up his meeting with his committee member, I headed to Jean Yip for a haircut.
Long hair? Wait long long la!

2007-06-16T17:25:00.000+08:00

:: the sky. the sand & the sea ::

Safely home after a rocky ride in the plane due to bad weather conditions.
The turbulences made me feel as if I was on a roller-coaster flight.
The plane-crash-tragic-deaths thoughts kept lurking at the back of my mind & had me gripping in fear although the beautiful clouds & the serenity being thousands of feet above the ground got me thinking - plunging to death from above might not be that bad after all.

Am still recovering from the tiredness.
Nonetheless, I had a blast holidaying with the mob (that includes rocker uncles & crackpots aunts).
Brother was even luckier.
He got to jet-ski, para glide besides being in the great company of the mob.
And the best thing was - it was seafood galore all the way.

And to beloved Dad,

Despite your crazy genes that we inherited, your stubbornness that we wished to bulldoze most of the time, your ego that had me cursing behind your back, we had your wisdom that made us rethink of our big decisions, your corny jokes that brightens our mood, your cash that allowed us to enjoy some of life's little luxuries, your openness that lured us to confide in you, your practicality that forces us to be more cautious, to be thankful for.

But above all, it's your patience, love and acceptance for who we are that's a gift we can never return.
So dad, we don't promise to be VERY good but we will try to be BETTER.
Oh well, after all, I bet we did inherit your naughty & wild genes when you were younger. :p

Much love,

2007-06-13T23:00:00.000+08:00

:: as you meet and learn ::

There are some meetings that make you feel accomplished and inspired at the end of it.
And today's was one of them.
We met the managing director of a brand consultancy, appointed by the National Library Board on branding exercises.
Being representatives, we participated in the 2hr focus-group discussion, looking into issues and challenges that our national library will face in future as well as giving feedback as a frequent patron of the library on how the facilities had one way or another helped enhanced our learning & researching purposes.

The library has always been one of my favorite place.
As the group delved deeper into the roles our local libraries play, a question was raised.
Is a technologically advanced library a good thing?
Yes, if it reduced the administrative workload.
Though there could be a downside to it.
With all the technological advancement, could we be losing the human touch or simply a pleasant service from the library staff?
Could an efficient search engine replaced a warm, friendly librarian who engaged conversations with you?

I used to complain having to go to different meetings with different types of people.
But as I was attentively listening to the ongoing discussion, I realized there's so many things I took away from every session.
And every experience has helped me broaden my perspectives, open a new dimension at the way perceive things, clear my judgments, increase awareness of issues, create a working network and most importantly make me believe in what I've set to do.

The man understood my ambitious nature, my irregular schedules with all the last minute meetings that suddenly propped up when the need arises and all I can say for now is that I've never been more thankful for having been granted a supportive equal.

Though I do admit, not all meetings have a happy ending - for you'd be surprised how your workload suddenly tripled just by an hour of meeting.

My last issue with NIE Voices as editor, a year breezed through and for all the whines and complaints, I would never have traded anything with the experience I gained working with people outside my specialization.

Work has never been this great.

2007-06-13T13:08:00.000+08:00

:: the morning getaway ::

The other day, I dragged the best friend out for a McDonald's breakfast.
Headed off to our favorite McDonald near Farrer Rd in my new drive.

Been under the weather lately.
Mom passed down the contagious flu bug & I've been practically zoned out, thanks to the medicine.
Will be off for a short holiday with the family to Phuket tomorrow.

2007-06-11T13:04:00.000+08:00

:: of studies ::

I am at the most unlikely-place-to-be during a school term break - the NIE library after a morning drive & breakfast with best friend.
With a meeting scheduled in three hours time, I am way too early.
Library reminds me of school. School reminds me of work. Work reminds me of studying.
And the recent release of results got me thinking of the unnecessary pressure that I tend to put myself into.
Missing the 4 mark by 0.03, this semester GPA was an improvement compared to the last though I'd still think if I had put in more effort last year, the grades will be a little bit better.

It's ironic how often we try to convince our students to enjoy the process of learning instead of putting high expectations of attaining good grades when in actual fact, even as adults. we are still trapped in the grading system where As and Bs mean a lot to us especially if we intend to further our studies and plus the fact that different grades have different payscale attached to them.
Sometimes, I don't blame the kids for trying too hard.
It's how our society works.
You are clever because you got A.
You are stupid because you got F.
With that kind of mindset, no wonder all of us are gearing up for the endless rat race.

But I always believe rewards will come when you least expect it.
Though all around you, people will be waiting to hear the 'end product' of your learning journey, its you who is going through the process.
So, screw them if you want, say the next time they tell you, 'How come you did badly?'
Because my friend, success comes with effort and luck.
And the thing about luck is, well, it doesn't come more often than we hope.

2007-06-09T19:55:00.000+08:00

:: weekend in tow ::

Yesterday, we were off to a housewarming invite.
The man, despite his confidence, ended us up at the wrong car park.
Not that we know it was the wrong one until Mr I-Know-All decided to give in to my irritating & persistent requests to give his buddy a call and ask if we were at the right place.
I sure had a good laugh when finally he had to admit his mistake though not before he tossed a street directory right under my face & asked me to read the map (which was not making any sense) so that I could direct him to the exact location.

Fine, so I can not read maps.
But truth was, his directory was purchased eons ago & yes, you guessed it right. The new Punggol block that we were supposed to go to was, well, not listed yet.
Himbo you BIIIIIIIIII!

I scare a baby off the same day and poor Kat had to console Baby Ashraf because he was terrified of me after I pointed at his Shrek ears band and went, 'I want! I want!'. Lol.
Sometimes I wonder, if I can ever gather courage to hold a crying baby. I tell you, it's patience & hard work man.

Meeting & workshop today.
Good news is, the exco will be on an all-expense paid trip next month to the Regional Malay Writers Meet in Kedah.
And since I'm the only female, I will be entitled to my own room at Grand Continental.
Talk about personal time.
The older ones will be going first on flight while a few of us (the young ones :p) will be going backpack style on a coach.
I will be looking forward to that.

All I need in this life of sin is me and my boyfriend, me and my boyfriend... Down the ride to the very end..... Cetz.

Best Friend. Miss you man. I know you do too. Hahaha.

2007-06-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

:: a toast to my girls ::

Teh tarik session with the girls today.

When it comes to taking stupid facial expressions pictures, we are number one........ best in Singapore, JB and some say Batam.

2007-06-06T00:08:00.000+08:00

:: do nice guys really finish last? ::

I'm currently addicted to Miami Ink, in admiration of tattoo artists sketching intricate designs which take a lot of homework on their part to put ideas in producing a great piece of body artwork.
But what caught me on today's episode was Ami, the shop owner who, in my opinion, exudes a kind of raw sexual appeal that I find uniquely charming.
It has nothing to do with the tattoos all over his body, I think it's his sense of presence that could literally stopped a crowd.

Over the weekend, the best friend & I, over our usual coffee session talked about our preference when it comes to choosing a partner.
Although we have extremely different taste when it comes to the looks department, there are some common qualities that we appreciate in our men.
We discussed stubbornness, decisive, independent & strong.

Nowadays, men have new labels attached to them ranging from sensitive new age to metrosexual to a himbo.
Over decades, as we witness activists fighting for female rights, there's no reason to wonder why we, females are letting gender equality get to us.
We say if a man can do it, so can we.
We scoffed off traditional roles of man & woman practiced over centuries where the man goes out hunting to put food on the table while the woman tends to domestic chores.
It's a relatively good combination to building a family, yet as men start to take for granted, reigning power of leadership & showed off superiority by abusing the opposite sex, we are left with little choice but to flaunt our kick-ass attitude just to give them a reminder that we can't be easily bullied.

The fight for this gender equality has produced results, manifested in many modern societies where the females now can head a company, leads a group of men & in fact, we come close to accepting the fact that the only difference between men & women is the chromosomes.
A little observation sparked an interesting thought, is this gender equality responsible for man losing their manliness and women losing their feminine touch as well as the rise of a homosexual culture?
Are we really that confused?

I've recently heard a guy friend lamenting on how he had done everything for a girl, yet she chose a 'bad-boy' image guy (who proves to be quite an asshole) over him.
And I asked, what do you mean when you say everything?
To which he replied, running errands for her, at her beck & call 24/7, missed the boys get- together because she didn't allow him to.
In short, he's such a nice guy, you just feel like shooting the girl who probably has a problem appreciating kindness.

But turned the coin around, I must confess he's actually over-doing it.
Yes, I believe it's back to preference.
And according to mine, he quite painted a picture of a henpecked man, someone who does everything you want him to do.
I've grown up with a dad who brainwashed me more often than not to try rationalize issues from a men's perspective.
If I am stubborn, I need someone equally stubborn or more than me.
If I am independent, I need an equally independent man.
Just my luck, I often ended up with this kind of breed.

As the best friend & I were talking.
This breed can reduced you to tears had you not been a thick-skinned.
This breed can develop an egocentric problem if you try to feed him with compliments.
This breed can stir a courtroom with smart responses under a calm demeanor.
This breed can shake your sanity just by being practical.
This breed can seduced you with their ambitions & lured you into making one of your own.
This breed can tipped your emotional balance with just having their own set of principles.

But this breed always give you a challenge, you will be too occupied to get bored for you will spend most of your time peeling the different layers to discover that soft side of him, the real person inside hiding behind that bad-boy image.

Do nice guys finish last?
No, my friend.
It's just that we can get greedy - we want nice plus ruggedness.
Because even though we are equal now, we still need someone to protect us.

Do you want a guy who cowers behind you at the sight of robbers?
I know I don't. :p

2007-06-05T19:59:00.000+08:00

:: sore ::

I woke up to an aching body today.
As if reading my mind, I received a text message from the man to do some stretching exercises.
This is what happens when you don't do proper warm-ups or you think you have done a proper one!
The fact that last evening was one of the long distance run that I completed after slacking for quite a while, I figured my rusty muscles needed some lubricating before it starts functioning effectively again.

So LTA finalized our registration.
The details were faxed over & as I was going through it, I realized how I need to be extra careful now.
Insurance only covers damages if someone hit me not the other way round.
See if we are lucky, I may get hold of the keys tomorrow.

I do miss my riding sessions.
If I'm out of my mind one day, I'll probably attempt Class 2A.
Oh well, just for the fun of it.

2007-06-04T21:15:00.000+08:00

:: on the move ::

The evening run with the new running shoes.

(Asics are having 25% discount. While I was checking out for 'lawa tak lawa', the man will tell me all about comfort and cushioning, which I still don't understand.)

Route (to) :
Bukit Panjang - Teck Whye - Bukit Gombak MRT.
Time taken : 33 mins 48 scnds.

Rest : (walking breather)
Bukit Gombak MRT - Bukit Batok Driving centre
Time taken : 16 mins 12 scnds.

Route (fro) :
Bukit Batok Driving centre - Teck Whye - Bukit Panjang
Time taken : 24 mins 36 scnds.

Quite a bad timing, I must say; took my own sweet time completing the route.
The funny part was that, on the way back, I bumped into the man who was also going for his evening run along the road from Teck Whye to Bukit Batok. (though both of us knew we were going fr our runs, we always took different routes).
Then we were going, 'BYYYYYYYYYYY!'.

I still need some time to gain back my stamina before I start training with the man again.
But truth is, I was enjoying my personal running time since I borrowed Brother's cool headphones which blast songs like a stereo system & you sort of feel like you are in your own R&B club.

Now I have a few routes in mind to complete before I join the man.
Bukit Panjang - Dairy Farm Road - Bukit Panjang.
Bukit Panjang - Teck Whye - Chua Chu Kang Park.
Bukit Panjang - Bukit Timah Road - Bukit Panjang.

Calls from friends screaming in excitement about their crossover reminded me of the day I received the big A4 brown envelope - offer for admission.
It's been a year & I can still recall my 'surreal' expression.
And I keep telling my peers who asked me what is expected of them to get the crossover to stop expecting.
For it's not easy to tell who will be admitted since I just learned that apart from your performance in NIE, the board also takes into account your previous results (O, A Levels & Poly) & there are many hidden criteria that we are, well, not very aware of.

Down memory lane, as I was clearing my folder, I chanced upon a note. On it, was the man's email address.
The very first time I saw him during my registration, where he was giving out SLC t-shirts & I was using a very cheap line that went, 'Erm, how can I join SLC?' (knowing that he was the president). He, cheekily smiled, and wrote me his email address. Which I did email to but the smart ass didn't reply.
What luck, I saw him again two months later - purely coincidental or is it fate? Haha.

Some random shots of surroundings & the coffee shop that I dragged the man to for breakfast.

2007-06-03T00:34:00.000+08:00

:: a quiet evening over coffee ::

Nowadays, Jannah & I try to avoid crowded areas during our occasional meet-ups.
So today, after a hearty lunch with two of her Indonesian classmates at town, we took a walk down Tanglin Mall and spent our afternoon chatting over our usual Starbucks coffee.
I enjoyed my quality time with her.
She & I are complete opposites, yet as we grow up accepting each other's differences, we somehow meet halfway when it comes to compromising & understanding.
And after eight years, she & I can read each other well enough to know there are just so many things we can't hide.

The fams went out for dinner.
Met the beloved cousin and his girlfriend.
Crazy bunch.

2007-06-02T02:50:00.000+08:00

:: the sabotage ::

How often do you find yourself squirming in your seat, your face feigned interest when a friend start telling you about how great her love life is?
How frequent do you find yourself wallowing in self-pity, thinking about how pathetic you are when you heard stories of the near-perfect life your friends apparently have been blessed with?
If the answer is very often and frequent for both, I'd say you have to stop this paranoia as studies have shown that people who falls into this envy trap may easily eat up their self-esteem, in turn sabotaging not only themselves but the relationship with others.

Apply that into my relationship 'context', I'd admit had I decide to let other people's happy love life affected me, I will be right on my way to a disastrous end.
For simple reasons.
The fact that the man and I only engaged in telephone conversations only when there is an urgency (conversations lasting less than five minutes), the I-Love-You that only comes once in every five months (if I'm lucky two), the weekly hour lunch meet-ups & the occasional dates, the need for personal space, will probably be seen as abnormal to most.
Yet this same man, with whom I exchange more curses than sweet nothings with, is the same person who nags until I get what I set to do accomplished, who offers the honest critique (means if its not good, its not good), who praises when its deserving, who plans for 'us', who in his words - I want this long term and that means doing what I need to do so we can enjoy our efforts in the future (though I liked to turn the tables around and asked instead, what if we don't get to see tomorrow).

The point is, we have one way or another, subconsciously dramatize our state of euphoria.
We tell the world how happy we are yet we prefer to hide our sadness.
We describe in lengthy narration of our perfect date yet chucked our problems in a place only we know.
We paint a beautiful picture of our partner and present it to everyone, excusing the flaws that may be obvious to others but not ourselves.
And with an array of adjectives to choose from, we project an image of a perfect 'the one'.
It's a human syndrome no one can run away from.
It may appear innocent enough until one decides to use another friend's life as a yardstick to measure her own happiness.
I've seen this quite often enough & I too had once be the girl who likes to compare.
Why can't I have what she has?
It gets ugly inside.

Every relationship works differently and so thus our life.
We can't oversimplify happiness judging from other people's stories.
What works for them may not necessarily work for us.
So the next time someone gushes out an account of her great love life, listen to it carefully and spare yourself from the envy trap.

For she/he, like you, leads a life that's been promised its ups and downs.
And who knows, he/she is simply telling all the details so as to feel better about him/herself.
Oh come on, we need some validation at times.

That said.
Seek your own happiness and you'll be amaze that its been there within you all this while.
If only... you had looked closer enough.

2007-06-02T02:19:00.000+08:00

:: the girlfriends company ::

The five of us, with our own schedules to keep to, finally took time off to meet up.
Where else but to dine at a place where we can chill for hours, crack stupid jokes & exchange current happenings in our lives.
Nothing beats having a good company of girlfriends whom you adore most despite all the differences.
Happy belated birthday Rhino.
Happy advanced birthday Fit.

2007-06-01T13:38:00.000+08:00

:: the reading spree ::

I dragged a good friend of mine, along with his girlfriend for a book spree yesterday.
Irwan, aka, the walking researcher-geek-good books finder, recommended me a selection of reads from advocates of philosophy, sociology, religion as well as educational psychology.
I was introduced to names like Erich Fromm, Edward Said, Edward Sapir, Nietzsche, Preires & many others.
It was rather interesting to get a hold of such books (he made me purchase a few titles & I swear he could make a better book businessman than anyone I knew), and as I was reading through the introduction of Edward Said's Covering Islam, I realized there is yet so much to learn from our usual mundane life.

But today, I'm going for an eating spree.
Lunch date with the man, after a week of not meeting up - I swear my heart is pounding in excitement while waiting for him to pick me up and as I'm typing right now, he should be on his way here from the mosque.

And steamboat dinner with the favorite girls later on.

Have a good day dearies.

2007-05-31T17:04:00.000+08:00

:: the morning. the event & the press ::

It seems like a long time ago since I had the chance to enjoy my morning.
The 'boss' was, as usual, late again today.
So I sat at a nearby coffee-shop and ordered my teh-tarik.
It's like entering a different community when you stepped into Jalan Masjid.
You see familiar faces of Arab businessmen & Muslims who come together after their dawn prayers to have breakfast.
Quite a step-back from the usual hustle and bustle of city life.
A blending of culture; where the east meets west.

I was in my bubble for a little while, imagining myself somewhere in Turkey or Jerusalem.
And I must say, I kind of like that thought.

Headed for the event.
The boss put up a good job for the preparations, prior to this event.
So, the assistant me only had to look out for little details that he overlooked.
So far, most of our events will be covered by the press and today was no exception.
The usual social networking stuff; get to know new people & another mediacorp news producer.
Slowly getting used to this.
Learning to write press releases & speech for guest of honors & host's script.
The three of us who often alternate this task have different writing style and it's funny how behind every event, listening to the speeches we could roughly guess who wrote what.
Thus far, this is the best group of people I had a chance to work with; each spearheading a specific area & yet still have fun while working. It's a bias opinion but I think put the right men to a job, they are easier to work with.

A friend of mine commented over lunch, 'it's difficult to do what you love here.'
Yes my friend, I hear you all right.
At times you will be sandwiched between pursuing your ideal/dream job & being realistic - that at the end of the day it comes back to having a stable job with equally stable income.
What can I say - here, you have to love what you do.
And that's the only way that keeps you from losing your sanity. :)

2007-05-30T19:01:00.000+08:00

:: when familiarity breeds contempt, when boredom breeds insanity ::

I've been doing this a lot lately. Telling myself, 'Get a grip, Mira. Do something. Be proactive.'
To no avail of course. I lack total self discipline and my irregular sleeping hours had eventually prompted the man to tell me 'i read articles from the net that irregular hours may lead to migraine and mood swings amongst others'.
Yeah right love, you don't need no internet to know that.
Thankfully your girlfriend has yet become a victim of migraine or turned herself into an unpleasant-foul mood being.
In fact, she has been rather high lately and driving herself to the brink of insanity.
Yes people, I am losing myself.
How can you not, if you've been talking to the cats for half a day, making stupid faces and laughing at your own reflection, scaring the shit out of your mum by wearing a toy 'r' us tiara that you got for winning Miss Pop Yeh-Yeh and asking her am I your little princess to which she reply 'crazy is it'.

I've paid a trip to the library.
Stocked 8 chic lit. Finished 2 in a day.
I've cleaned my wardrobe.
Only to know I missed shopping.
I've sat at Starbucks.
Completed what I needed to do.
I've watched TV.
Only to be envious of how gorgeous people can have it all.

Somehow I think, I kind of miss Stress.
Yeah right. I'm crazy alright.

2007-05-29T21:51:00.000+08:00

:: the good news ::

The new initiative taken by the ministry was announced today.

And somehow after hearing the news, I was jumping in joy.

Literature in Malay to form part of Combined Humanities subject.
By Othman Bohari, Channel NewsAsia | Posted: 29 May 2007 1655 hrs

Excerpted from the website :

SINGAPORE: There will be more choices for secondary school students who wish to study Malay Literature.
Come 2008, the Education Ministry will introduce Literature in Malay as part of the Combined Humanities subject. This means students will get to study Malay Literature and Social Studies as an elective.
The new subject is in addition to the current Literature in Malay that is offered for the 'O' level examinations.
The new curriculum will teach students two genres of Malay literature - that is prose and poems.

This is extremely good news for us who have been reading Malay literature for years now.
An opportunity to impart what we've learned from our mentors all this while.

2007-05-29T15:51:00.000+08:00

:: the daily ramble dose ::

I had my wardrobe cleaned.
After putting aside those clothes that I no longer intend to use, I counted (nothing better to do) I have 7 pair of jeans, 17 pair of pants, 11 skirts, 9 dresses, 15 blouses, 14 jackets and 30 t-shirts.
But because I'm so comfortable wearing my good old pair of Levi's and black & white t-shirts, I was quite surprised I had more clothes than I realized.
I still think the wardrobe lacks of clothes though.
Fine. considering I'm not earning (god, how I hate that phrase), the wardrobe should 'sustain' for another good year before I can be a good samaritan and donate all the clothes to those in need & restocked another set of jeans, pants, skirts, dresses, blouses, jackets & t-shirts for the upcoming years. Yippee.

Travel channel saved my boring life at the moment.
The man should be somewhere in the Singapore Zoo attending to his students who are on camp.
Have fun amazing-racing while your girlfriend here is rotting in her black & white room. :p

2007-05-29T02:06:00.000+08:00

:: into slumber-land ::

The itchy fingers decided to work on a new layout.
The color purple. I'm out of my comfort black zone this time round.
Though dark colors has always appealed me more as compared to pastels.
A dinner date with a close friend last night got me thinking when she said, 'I finally woke up and realize I got to fix my life now.'

Cupid has a funny way of getting the least compatible couples together.
And more often than not, leading them to the route of melodramatic breakups.
My friend found herself along the way to the route when the calls just stop coming, when the other half decides to play a missing in action game, when the intimacy level had dropped to an alarming rate of zero and all hell break loose when the real deal was presented to her live - he and the other woman.
I saw her through the tough period.
The state of depression, the virtual obsession, the can't-get-over-the-fact that he's no longer hers and the fear of loneliness slowly creeping; paralyzed by her own thoughts became clueless on how to simply move on.
I could only tell her time is the best healer, having gone through the same period before.
And she did rise up to the challenge. She became a renewed self.
The wake-up call made her more confident and she knew that there are many things in her life that needed to be mended.
I am truly happy for her.

Sometimes when things don't turn out the way you want them to be -
where once you pictured a bed of roses waiting for you but instead found yourself pricked by its thorns; have you ever thought of why the love suddenly loses its magic?

I'm no magician.
But I think when it comes to love, you need a bag of little tricks; simply the things that can help rekindle the flame.
It's back to effort, ain't it.

2007-05-28T18:08:00.000+08:00

:: what it feels to do nothing ::

Recovered from the tiredness of a packed weekend.
Though the downside of it, its not making me any fresher.
Worst, I keep waking up on the wrong side of the bed - all grumpy and lethargic.
Keep going in and out of slumber-land.

I've turned from a SLACKER to a LAZE-R.
It's getting worrying all right.
I know its an appropriate time to simply do nothing.
The little black box & lots of books had been my faithful companies.
I have not been running! I told the man I need new pair of trainers (lame excuse to not go for a run).
At the rate I'm going I think I should get one pair soon before the laze-r turned a pig-er.

It sure feels like hell when there's nothing to do.
*whines in exasperation*

2007-05-27T02:24:00.000+08:00

:: the part-time socialite ::

Dad got me to drive to town to pick the brother up from work.
The family then headed for supper; mum being the 'home-home' type was quite restless when the three of us were still sipping our teh-tariks even when it was already midnight.
Dad finally took over the driver's seat and as the four of us chatted in the car, I realized how much I needed the 'family-break' after fulfilling my social obligations these past few days.

Dinner & Dance on Friday.
The man said I've been slouching.
Lazy spine, I have.

Covered 'The Islamic book fair launch' event at Wisma Indah on Saturday.
Friends, do head down to Wisma Indah for good reads on Islam.
I just got myself M. Fethullah Gulen's 'Toward a global civilization of love & tolerance'.
I think our generation has a little difficulty embracing our own religion for we've been wired to believe that everything we do has its route to either hell or heaven.
But from another light, religion is knowledge itself. And there is so much to learn - how our religion views the ideal human, sufism & metaphysics, human rights, education, love & mercy, forgiveness & tolerance from global perspectives.

Mary ended her single-hood today.
The wedding could not get any greener.
From her gown to the cupcakes to the dais to the decoration.
Lucky you didn't order vegetarian!
The whole gang was there.
And since Fard was Mary's personal assistant, she was busy running around.
So me and the two mak buyungs (Read: pregnant) cam whored, screamed along with the makcik's at the karaoke whose voice nearly caused my eardrums to burst.

I am a tired but happy girl. :)

2007-05-24T20:15:00.000+08:00

:: drive them wild ::

A long day today.
The clubs presented their reports and I applaud all of them for such hard work put in amidst the hectic schedules & rushing to meet assignment deadlines.
The panel deliberated & we had a tough time deciding.
What the panels saw were only the product not the process and from a students' perspective, I know that the painstaking efforts or the ideals we set & the experiences we take back from these involvements can never be described in words.
But it was nice to see friends like the guys from PESS in their formal wear. Lol.
And Jab the joker never fail to amuse.

One down. A few projects still in progress. My ideas are scattered all over. Need to pen it down & structure it soon before I go into another lapse of brain freeze moments.

The other day while I was having coffee at Starbucks, I picked up Brides.
(No. Not looking for wedding gowns or venues. It's just that the groom models look so delicious in suits that I found myself flipping the pages only to end up reading 'Men fess up - what drives you wild')

So here goes. 10 men tells us what drives them wild. Ranging from thoughts of having their partners only in their oversize jerseys walking around the house to sexy dance moves that turn them on - simply put everything was about sex.
I'll be frank. I misinterpreted the whole thing.
And I asked the man - what drive you wild. To which he replied; the good wild or the bad wild?
I got why I misinterpreted. I was thinking of the good wild.
I couldn't put a finger to why when it comes to wild - men has to associate it with sex. (Not that we don't know that half their brain has been compartmentalize to appreciate ASSETS).
I bet the ten men that was polled had just gotten married or still has active libidos.

But try asking your grandfathers (don't try if you don't want to have thoughts of your grandparents doing it), what drive them wild?
Will they be able to answer. Seeing your grandmother walking around in mini boxers and his over-size shirt or she seductively pole-dancing to get him bed?
No, I have nothing against young and sexually active men.
Its just that my sort of misinterpretation of the word 'wild' got me to think why these days not many guys have come forward to commend their partner's domestic skills or cooking skills (ok fine, confession time - girls these days lack 'talent' in the domestic areas and I'm definitely included) but we should give credit to those partners whose able to feed their husband well & make sure the house does not resemble one of a dumpster.

I think there's a lot to learn from the older generation.
Even though we are in the 'gender equality' era, a husband will still go back to a home that provide him a place to seek solace. Something simple and comfortable (Dad said).
And being the wise person that he is, simply told me - don't get too absorbed in your pursuits, sometimes we just have to go back to basics.

John Haidt could not have been more perfect when he described what constitutes passionate & companionate love -

'Passionate love ignites, it burns, and it can reach its maximum temperature within days. During its weeks or months of madness, lovers can't help but think about marriage, and often they talk about it too. Sometimes they even accept Hephaestus's offer and commit to marriage. People are allowed to sign contracts when they are drunk, and I sometimes wish we could prevent people from proposing marriage when they are high on passionate love because once a marriage proposal is accepted, families are notified, and a date is set, it's very hard to stop the train.
The other danger point is the day the drug weakens its grip. Passionate love doesn't end on that day, but the crazy and obsessional high period does. Breakups often happen at this point, and for many couples that's a good thing. But sometimes breaking up is premature, because if the lovers stuck it out, if they had given companionate love a chance to grow, they might have found true love.

True love exists, I believe, but it is not - cannot be - passion that lasts forever. True love, the love that undergrids strong marriages, is simply strong companionate love, with some added passion, between two people who are committed to each other. When we admire a couple still in love on their fiftieth anniversary, it is this blend of loves - mostly companionate - that we are admiring.'

The man told me to not read too much. Haha. Yeah right, its like me telling him to stop running.
Oh well, when a geek meets a hyperactive man.

'

2007-05-23T19:21:00.000+08:00

:: as the day goes.. ::

The initial plan was to start the morning early - hit the school gym, collect the club reports from office, get a good lunch before heading off to the mass meeting.
But the procrastinator self snoozed the alarm a few hours later - plan foiled, skipped the gym and only managed to squeeze in a good half an hour lunch with one of the classmates before the meeting.

Driven by guilt & the image of the man nagging about 'discipline', I dragged myself to the NTU sports hall after the meeting instead. Sweat it out on the treadmill & thought of reading the club reports while running only to discover Her World is the only thing I could read while on the treadmill.
In need of a personal time (after realizing I've avoided work too long and time is flying fast), I headed to Starbucks and was greeted by my favorite baristas who told me I needed a haircut badly & my look was one of a woman who has ten kids (the crazy bunch exaggerated but i love their company, no less).
Grabbed my usual dose of coffee and went through all the reports, least I'm prepared for tomorrow's selection & further realized I can never bring myself to choose who truly deserves the award.

It came to a point when after all the experiences working in organizations that I realize in our working world now, everything becomes a 'selling' point.
The favorite question is 'What's in IT for me?'
Even in denial, we know at times we are lured into one of working life's trick.
Promoting ourselves - giving credits to what we have done because at the end of the day reports need to be prepared and bosses have to give appraisals and find victims for D's.
As virtuous as we want to be, the ranking & award system left us with little choice but to perform well and made it known to others that we cannot be easily trampled.

Though there's nothing wrong with healthy competition, its the participants in every working organizations that determine whether the setting is a game where people come together to win or where people outdo each other to achieve personal glory.

Dad left me with a list of something to ponder just last night and I could not agree less.

1. Today we have bigger houses and smaller families, more convenience but less time.
2. We have more degree, but less common sense, more knowledge but less judgment.
3. We learn to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life, not life to years.
4. We have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeway but narrower viewpoint.
5. We have been all the way to the moon and back, but we have trouble crossing the street to meet the neighbor.
6. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've splits the atom but not our prejudice.
7. We've learned to rush but not to wait, we have higher incomes but lower morals.
8. No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from a brand new beginning.
9. When you feel down because you did not get what you want. Just sit tight and be happy because god is thinking of something better to give you.
10. I used to complain because I had no shoes, then one day I met a man with no legs.

And my favorite was.

'This are the the time of fast foods and slow digestion, tall man and short character, steep profits and shallow relation, more leisure and less fund, more kind of food but less nutrition, two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes.'

This morning at the bus stop, I witnessed a toddler trying to initiate a conversation with a very old man.
I could not help but smile.
I was caught in between - thinking how once, I was a toddler with all her innocence and imagining in years to come, how I am going to like as an old lady wrinkled with all the experiences life have granted her.

On a lighter note, the dad brought home a list of jokes.
Army jokes are damn lame & corny!

Q : Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed at Tarzan. Tarzan asked 'why'?
A : The animals told him 'Your tail is in front'.

:)

2007-05-22T15:03:00.000+08:00

:: retail therapy ::

Did a little shopping for myself & the man.
A Topshop dress for me & a black Topman tie for him.
A last minute shopping spree since the casual-wear us were in desperate need for a formal wear.

The man & I share something in common; we prefer to do our personal shopping.
I don't have to feel guilty dragging him from places to places.
And I have the whole time in the world to think and decide whether the object of interest is really worth purchasing.

It was a quality personal time.
Window shopped at my favorite stores & g0t a quick browse on new bestsellers titles at Borders.
I'm still learning to curb my expenses.
It's hard to not think of the few thousand dollars that I stashed in my fixed deposit account.
The decision to keep an account which I'm unable to withdraw until a few years later was simply because I figured if fate decides that I will be a spinster, I might as well not be a penniless one.
But seeing all the beautiful dresses & clothes, I was a bit regretful. Should have kept my savings in an account which I can still withdraw.
Heck, I won't be able to wore all that when I hit 30.

Oh well, for now. I am happy with my dress.

2007-05-22T01:13:00.000+08:00

:: trudge along the road of life ::

My body clock could apparently detect when I'm having my holidays.
For when the clock strikes twelve, my brain cells start functioning & all thoughts in the head come crashing as if there's no tomorrow.
And this little space has been a true companion - a great listener to my most random thoughts & endless ramble.

I'm into my final chapter of the 'Happiness Hypothesis'.
It provided a good insight on the theoretical aspects & I finally come to my senses -
mere knowing does not necessarily mean you are halfway through a life-changing experience.
Though after the read, one can safely say the world does not only hold your problems.
There are others to consider & that our tears of suffering are just the same as any one else.
It's the degree of pain which we chose that marks all the difference.

Sometimes when you think you have everything worked out - career & relationship & family, adversity strikes when you least expect it and you witness your life slowly crumbling into pieces - how do you stay strong with your head held high believing that everything will be fine?

I think we do well at masking our innermost fears.
Fear that one day these blessings will be taken back.
And to overcome this fear; we glorify our mundane lives, content with little pleasures that each day brings.
As we slowly learn the meaning of appreciating & what loss feels like, it will come to point when we finally understand that clinging tenaciously to life may not erase its uncertainties or the fact that nothing in this world really lasts.

For what we have had never been ours in the first place.

2007-05-22T00:00:00.000+08:00

:: feasting ::

The committee met up to finalize the preparations for the upcoming dinner and dance.
Food tasting ceremony has always been the best since its the only time you can enjoy free dinner.
This month and next will be food galore months for me.
Lunch & Dinner at Ritz Carlton and Traders' for various events.
Complimentary passes have always been a big bonus for us especially after all the preparations & event planning.

2007-05-21T13:43:00.000+08:00

:: my weekend ::

I spent the weekend catching up with friends.
Headed to JB with D & kak Shida.
She did her shopping & I, the ever broke woman, made do with 'kain' window shopping.

Best friend loving on Saturday.
As usual, pigged out at Lucky Plaza.
Did some walking, window shopping, book hunting & lots of talking.
Sometimes I can't imagine life without her.

I swear I could have snapped at beloved Dad during my 'orientation' drives.
How can one tolerate nags during driving?
I hope this will pass. Very soon.

2007-05-18T02:09:00.000+08:00

:: as i lay my eyes on you ::

It feels good to let things off the chest once in awhile.
The man & I met for tea and we come clean to the things that have been clouding our minds.
How my irrationality had nearly cause him to snap back.
How his ego had nearly cause me to curse & rave.
Drawing lessons from past experiences, we knew how fragile a relationship is & how in the heat of anger, words that we didn't mean to utter can rob our one shot to happiness.
It's hard when you have two strong headed people trying to work things out without causing any emotional injury but the least we could do was try to rationalize the issue & make sure the same mistakes won't be a recurrent one.
Although the irony of it, through all these conflicts, you began to realize how much the other person truly means to you.
And that despite the many differences, a little compromising is all it takes to get things back on track.
Oh well, every couple has their moments.

In less than a week, the man will be posted to school.
If you had gone through a relationship long enough, you'd know each different phase demands a little readjustment. Studying is the period I'd call the 'honeymoon' phase when you have all the time in the world to spend that quality time with your intended.
Once you step into the working life, granted you have time but most of it will be spent either resting or doing your own stuffs.
I guess there's a reason why the older generation tells us 'Dah kerja, baru cari mataair.'
It redefines the meaning of relationship when you start to shoulder responsibilities.

As much as I'd like to tell the world how in love I am with man, it's never a complete happiness if you learn a friend whom you dearly love had Cupid's blind arrow shot her heart.
I pray for your well-being my dear.

2007-05-17T13:50:00.000+08:00

:: the email culture ::

Lots of hibernation & being cooped up at home had turned me into a grumpy being.
The daily routine is taking its toll on me. Adding to my sensitivity, thus making me an intolerable partner at the moment.
After awhile, I began to realize how exhausting & draining it can be to initiate a 'diplomatic' argument and not having come to a conclusion.
The worst part is even for a slight misunderstanding, it will eventually lead you to recognizing not only your partner's flaws but also your irrationality which in my case, are often triggered from assumptions.
No one says couple-hood is a breeze.
The unpredictable ups & downs will take one on an emotional roller coaster ride(s).

Nonetheless, work has to go on.
Every morning, as I read my emails, I began to see the downside of this new mode of communication.
I have a problem when it comes to replying emails. It lies in choosing the right words to bring the message across.
How do you show great tact when dealing with tricky situations over emails?
No one wants to read a lengthy email & when we need to address an issue, it should be direct and as far as possible use economical words.
We learned that it's unnecessary to sound apologetic or add in a bit of reassuring words or wishes.
What more, with emails, you can hide behind your cowardice if you decide to shoot another with words.

I am embracing modernity & I love technology.
But sometimes, it makes a difference discussing work&life over emails (unless it's a long distance separation) and to have it face to face.

Because I realized when you are out of touch with the ones you love & although you still communicate through text-messages, emails & windows messengers, nothing beats having a real company right beside you.
Then, you can laugh all you want. Bask in the spontaneity. And enjoy the presence.

That said.
I have to meet the best friend before this grumpy being creates another chaos.

2007-05-16T18:38:00.000+08:00

:: if songs could tell a story ::

And I'd give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll
Ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd
Understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you cant fight the tears that ain't
Coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

When you are tired of words & talking,
listening is therapeutic.

2007-05-15T14:59:00.000+08:00

:: .... ::

The uncertainty of it all.

Our time will come.

Semoga rohmu dicucuri rahmatNya.

2007-05-15T00:08:00.000+08:00

:: and the clock strikes twelve ::

I hate tending to pain caused by bad cramps.
Not a good timing since I have a deadline tomorrow & am far from completion.
In line with the proposed events from the Malay Heritage Center for this year, we will be contributing articles on different aspects of heritage to Berita Harian.
I chose to do something on fashion. (Janna, according to the proposed calendar of events given to me, Mona J Boutique is having a fashion week on the 20 July right? Hee.)

Nonetheless, I thought of providing an insight on the evolution of Malay wear from traditional to modern times & the influences that contributed to each changing trends.
As I read on each different phase dated as early as the first century when human rely on natural resources to make garments & slowly new discoveries on cloth were unraveled; the imagination of men never cease to amaze me.

At one point of time when clothing not only serves as a basic need for men rather a reflection of cultural identity & modesty; it got me thinking amidst high fashion, are we actually retreating back to early times when 'berkemban' was known as one of the earliest Malay women's clothing recorded in history (and if you look at it, 'berkemban' and tube now has little difference apart from its design & cutting).

Writing for the masses is such a great responsibility especially if it touches on cultural and historical aspects because often this knowledge has been passed on through time and possibly the actual truth may have been peppered with personal prejudice or opinions.

For now let me enjoy my braindead moments.
I hope the unedited draft for the introduction will provide a little insight on the genius mind of our ancestors.
Up till now, I'm certainly impressed by them.

'Dunia fesyen kontemporari dengan kerencaman cetusan ilham kreatif pereka gaya sedunia telah memberi pengertian baru pada takrifan pakaian yang pada asasnya hanya merupakan sesuatu yang dipakai untuk membalut badan dari sebarang elemen yang boleh mencedarakan anggota, menyesuaikan suhu badannya dengan cuaca, menjaga maruah diri dan memberikan keselesaan pergerakan.

Dari zaman manusia menggunakan dedaun serta kulit kayu dan kemudiannya kulit dan bulu binatang sebagai pakaian sehingga timbul ilham untuk membuat kain yang dicarik dan dianyam daripada batang pisang, batang hemp, jut, rami dan daun nanas, ternyata daya cipta manusia tidak lekang menyumbang kepada evolusi berpakaian.

Kini, arus pemodenan yang membawa bersama kecanggihan teknologi telah menyaksikan bagaimana tamadun manusia tidak hanya melihat pakaian sebagai kebutuhan yang mendasar (basic needs) tetapi ianya telah berkembang kepada corak kebutuhan baru yang mencitrakan keterkaitan pakaian dengan identiti berbudaya.

Kepelbagaian cara manusia mempraktikkan budaya yang dipengaruhi lingkungan serta hubungan dengan dunia luar telah mencorak keragaman pakaian yang berpangkal pada adat istiadat serta sistem nilai atau kepercayaan yang dianuti sesuatu masyarakat itu. Pakaian kini dapat mencerminkan keperibadian individu dari kelompok sosial dengan terciptanya simbol-simbol tertentu pada corak dan potongannya sebagai lambang status, darjat, identiti kaum, kepercayaan serta ritual keagaamannya.

Perkembangan tradisi pakaian Melayu ternyata tidak terkecuali dalam menerima pengaruh unsur-unsur luar yang saling berinteraksi antara unsur yang terdapat di merata pelosok Semenanjung dan Kepulauan Melayu di Nusantara. Percikan sejarah telah memperlihatkan bagaimana hasil pengaruh yang diterima daripada bangsa yang bertamadun tinggi seperti bangsa India, Cina, Arab dan Eropah telah menyumbang kepada perkembangan dan perubahan tradisi ini'

2007-05-14T15:51:00.000+08:00

:: of happiness ::

'Drawing on Csikszentmihalyi's work, Seligman proposes a fundamental distinction between pleasures and gratifications. Pleasures are 'delights that have clear sensory and strong emotional components' such as may be derived from food, sex, backrubs and cool breezes. Gratifications are activities that engaged you fully, draw on your strengths and allows you to lose self-consciousness.

Pleasure feels good in the moment, but sensual memories fade quickly and the person is no wiser or stronger afterwards. Even worse, pleasure beckons people back for more, away from activities that might be better for them in the long run. But gratifications are different. Gratifications ask more of us; they challenge us and make us extend ourselves.

Gratifications often come from accomplishing something, learning something or improving something. When we enter the state of flow, hard work becomes effortless. We want to keep exerting ourselves, honing our skills, using our strengths..' - from 'The Happiness Hypothesis' by John Haidt

Although certain aspects of the book can be argued from an alternative viewpoint, I found John's unique way of blending the east & west school of thoughts as well as bringing ancient wisdom to modern perspective very refreshing.
As much as we'd like to be in a constant state of euphoria, we know that's very much impossible.
Interestingly, this book had never intended to be a self-help - rather it offers various studies conducted by advocates of positive psychology.
Some of the things might be too familiar for our comfort thus I found myself more often than not agreeing on his insight.

Happiness has never meant to be measured although the truth is, how we deem life will define our own meaning of happiness.
And the excerpt on gratification and pleasure was one I felt strongly for. It reaffirms my belief that only through loving yourself can you find love in another. Probably the reason why after I learned the term interest-work-busy, I felt a sense of liberation that in a way frees me from constant worry of trying to be the best for someone else.

We are told to dream big but we often take a step further by expecting.
Truth is, all successful people when asked of their secret to such great achievements will tell you they dream but expectations were reduced to zero and it's the process that meant more to them than the results itself.

Sounds too cliche? You bet.

Oh well, after all. Aren't all humans a walking paradox?

2007-05-13T22:46:00.000+08:00

:: family love ::

I had to give the family reunion a miss today since I had tuition.
Koko brought our small size family (yes, altogether we have 11 members) to catch a movie and all were present except me & bro.
It's so hard to get everyone together this days due to conflicting schedules.
Sometimes, I'm pretty much thankful for festive occasions like Hari Raya since that's probably the only time we could take a complete family photo.

Me & Koko & Bro Wan. Beloved cousins.

And Mum. Happy Mother's Day. Thank you for everything.
For bringing me up and brother
from this

to this
(even when I could walk & talk, I still need to be fed with milk and bro was still learning how to walk)

to this
(during my young punk days and bro clean image 'phase')

to this
(when my punk days were nearing to an end & bro just embarking on his)

We promise to be good. :)

Last night, the man & I along with Kat & Fadyl headed to the stadium to catch the S League match.
And so the team we rooted for lost :(

I found a new crush.
Akil is super-super cute.
Just too bad I'm not a two-year old. Argh. Hee.

2007-05-11T22:47:00.000+08:00

:: chill out ::

The Selengers met up to celebrate what's left of Maria's single-hood days.
No. No. Not the hen party style.
We had it super clean since Iman tagged along & we should preserve the innocence of a 3 month old. Haha.
This past four years just breezed through.
It was as if I had just witnessed Fard's & Rai's wedding not so long ago and soon to be Maria's.
And Fard who just entered motherhood will be followed by our beloved new wifey.
And Mary, I'm placing a bet. Your Omaria Junior will see the world next year. Hahaha.

Don't mention peer pressure please. :p
Nonetheless I am so excited for every one of them.
Come next year, Auntie Mira got to prepare more green packets man!
Wedding planning - I've got use to it. Baby talks - I will get use to it. Haha.

Very bad bad friend.
As usual, I keep messing my dates and thus took for granted Maria's wedding is still so far away.
I have to skip your nikah dear since I was scheduled to run an event on that day.
But I will come Before & After that. Promise.

You will be a beautiful bride.
Never the make -up Mary. You had always been beautiful within.

(And please do enjoy your wedding night.) Hahahaha.

2007-05-11T16:44:00.000+08:00

:: our words to mothers ::

Last week, the tutees were assigned a task of composing letters to their mothers - in line with the upcoming Mother's day.
The responses, interestingly, not only voiced out hopes & wishes for their mothers but also confessions were made, just simply the things mothers should never know about.

Some of these sharing should be familiar to most of us for regardless of age, deep down we
(1) don't like to be told what to do
(2) hear constant nagging
(3) keep secrets from them otherwise they will go ballistic once the truth is revealed
(4) take their presence for granted
(5) know we can never meet their expectations
(6) love them too much despite all of the above.

Derrick wrote :
'Dear Mum,
I know that you do not want me to buy things without you knowing but I buy some things, but I stop it last year. I wish that you can spend more time with me. You always want the "impossible". I cannot do it. Why must you want me to get band 2 for English? Why can't I use my Chinese & Maths marks to go to good schools? If you want it, I will try my best. I am not what you think I am, sometimes I talk in class. You always say before I speak and scold me even though I do what you want me to do.'

Sim Eing wrote :
'Dear Mum,
Although you are always nagging, but I know that you are doing for my own good. I have secrets that you did not know. I tell you that I have remedial classes at school, actually, I am lying. I am actually going Bugis with my classmates and friends. I hope that you would forgive me! I wish that you can be with me for a longer time. So that we can go shopping more often. I appreciate you for bringing me up from a playful baby to a mature girl now. I know that sometimes I make you angry, but I really hope that you will forgive me. I hope that you cannot be so naggy, but only sometimes being naggy.'

Breton wrote :
'Dear Mum,
I know that you do not know that I appreciate all your nagging and all that what you did for me. I actually run my own business in school earning at least $3 per week. This helps me get the money that I use to buy in the book shop. Hope you thrive at work, gain more bonus and do not fall sick so often. Happy mothers' day!'

Kah Heng in his optimism wrote
'Dear Mum,
Thank you for taking care of me and bring me out and play. You often nag because you love me. I am very happy that you care about me so much.'

Mothers, despite their imperfections & flaws, show their love in ways we can't never truly comprehend.
And I guess, unless you enter motherhood, you can never know what it means to love unconditionally, care for someone above yourself, constantly worry about another's safety, put all hopes in another, to educate & impart knowledge, mould character & learn the true meaning of sacrifice.

In the 'altered' words of the Spartan Queen in 300,
'Only mothers give birth to real men & women'.

2007-05-10T21:15:00.000+08:00

:: the Nike transformers ::

Check this out.

The Nike transformers are super cool though the real one that the man bought can't really be transformed into a Megatron.

2007-05-10T18:04:00.000+08:00

:: just another day ::

The morning saw me dragging myself out of bed to attend a talk by one of our local politician.
Normally political discussions will bore me to death but the three-hour discussion today was engaging as interesting issues were brought up and the speakers' outright frankness on the reality of the local political scene somehow turn our inquisitive minds on as series of questions were then raised in the later part of the session.

While he was highlighting on the rise of successful Malays here, I was thinking of the other extreme; something I learn during my experience with my lower-end students.
So the itchy mouth me raised the question on how in our eagerness to celebrate these budding successes, can we bring the notion of collectivism across to the group who are still trapped in the poverty cycle - who while we are having our discussion in the comfort of an air-conditioned lecture theater, are slogging their butt off to provide for a family of maybe five?

Before my teaching stint, I had in mind all my students' family are like mine.
But I was humbled by my students' open honesty (especially coming from the lower primary), that some of them are raised single-handedly by either parent and parents who exist yet are absent at the same time because they are juggling different jobs.
The detrimental effect on these young minds' are that they were brought up to think they are stupid because report books say fail & the word fail has become a new synonym for stupid in the eyes of our society.
It's hypocritical if I say I understand how they feel because I don't have the slightest clue of how its like to live in a dysfunctional family. This emotional wreck has always been moved by such recounts & know she can only listen with sympathy.

The politician gave me a good insight. Efforts & funds have been channeled to tap on this rising problem. But instant change may prove to be too ideal for progress is often a long-awaited process that requires constant experimentation and awareness that every one of us has a role to play especially when it comes to building a family.

Because sometimes adults flaws & mistakes can victimized our young by robbing their potential, dreams & hopes.

On a lighter note, the man brought me to his temptation Island a.k.a Queensway & yes, this is the second pair of Nike Shoes he got for this month!
Boys and men. The difference? The cost of their toys.

2007-05-09T20:36:00.000+08:00

:: of thoughts ::

The reads on 'Joy Diet' and 'The Happiness Hypothesis' (God knows why my reading preference has always been towards pop psychology & philosophy.. not that it made me any wiser) trigger lots of thinking to which I can safely say all those money spent on figuring out the meaning of life through all these reads were both worth it & worthless.

Freud's psychoanalysis theory on id, ego & superego, Socrates wise words on humanity and the emergence of new religious doctrines as well as ongoing researches conducted by advocates of psychology&philosophy eventually lead to the one fact that any Tom, Dick and Harry are very well aware of; the mind is indeed a divine gift of both rationality & emotionality.
And every organ, though functioning on a separate entity with a specific task to carry out, forms a committee of what constitutes an organization we call being human.

Words & language have now become the most powerful tool in every aspect of human life; They can easily make or break. The influence words have on the human minds are unimaginable; words can be an inspiration and on the other spectrum, it can trampled one's emotions. Can wisdom truly be measured by words then since we are wired to believe words are a manifestation of an introspective & reflective mind?

Gradually this kind of reads, that most cynics will bin on sight, reveal that in our constant inner struggle of questioning the what-ifs and whys, the human mind has only the capacity of accepting and reacting. It has never been programmed to understand the mechanics of how when the sperm & eggs meet, babies are formed nor can it provide reasons to why despite the different face shape&structure&complexion, no human has been created with an extra eye or ear or hands for that matter of fact.

Faith is the companion one should never lose.
It's having that trust & confidence in our Creator (regardless of your religious beliefs) that there is a reason behind every existence.
Though there's no 'one size fits all' guide for a spiritual journey to seek the reason, there's probably only one key to unlocking the meaning of life,

Simply live it. :)

2007-05-08T12:31:00.000+08:00

:: blacks ::

Since Mum started work a week ago, I've taken the role of a 'desperate housewife.'
Rise early in the morning, Go for morning walks or runs. Wake the brother up. Cook some breakfast. Clean his and my junk bedroom and give the living room floor a good sweep.
And no more luxury of having a spread of dishes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
This is a big adjustment and yes Mum, I admit I've been taking you for granted all this while.

The man had to go for a re-shoot for the convocation video.
He text messaged while I was running some errands; 'they put make up on me sia'.
That got me laughing. So I asked if he looked pretty, he told me he look gay.
So for a good few minutes, I tried picturing him gay and vulnerable. Hahaha.

Those things we do.
The different persona we put on for different occasions.

And our alter ego?
Are the ones usually donned in black.

2007-05-07T13:13:00.000+08:00

:: just another Monday ::

Today's morning run was good.
Though I cut my usual route to half since after 20 minutes, I was already panting like a mad dog.
Somehow the exam period had also turned into a free-from-exercise and lots-of-eating period.
For a long time, I feel very unfit and the slight paunch that is slowly developing definitely tells how much I've not been exercising. Yes, yes. I know - toned abs & butt do not just happen, it needs lots of consistent gym&run routines.

Emails are a reality check for me.
The reason I purposely set three different accounts for different tasks so as to avoid having a jumbled up mind. Work-related emails are slowly coming in and the pending work folder that I purposely labeled in BOLD has been staring at me for about a week now.
I did what other procrastinators would, I stared at it back. Though I am secretly relying on my last minute 'inspirations' to kick in, I know two deadlines to meet on the same day is totally impossible if I started at the very last hour.

I am trying, in my very best effort, to pick up the man's 'plan & schedule' as well as 'focus & discipline' traits; something I'm clearly lacking these days.

Oh well, random rantings is a good distraction and I definitely need a daily dosage of that.

2007-05-07T01:55:00.000+08:00

:: the one shot at datinhood ::

If all else fails, I'll consider Datin-hood. Lol.

Nights when you entertain yourself with memories captured in image form, you wonder out of the many frames of sheer candids and pure narcissism, how many tells the story of your tears and broken heart?

That aside.

Although he's never going to be a Dato, I'm happily settled.
Even though the field is his second home. And Frisbee is his second girlfriend. And soccer is his third girlfiriend.

A new form of 'polygamy'.
Oh well, don't fret girls.
They always come back to the FIRST one. (We pray for the best).

2007-05-06T23:29:00.000+08:00

:: her favorite company ::

So while I let the sports channel turn the man on (Read: Saturdays - it's soccer night), I went to meet up the girls for our hang out sessions.

Jannah did a lot of mugging. And I? Enjoying my read along the Singapore river. Lol.

At night, the five piranhas headed to JB to feed their empty stomachs.
And while waiting for Fit to knock off from work, we hopped over to Farah's and raided her room.
So Fit, always the one with weird & creative ideas, suggested we tried a 'laughing gas'.
Mustafa Centre, we realized, was a place that we could easily get lost and in search for an emergency item, it took several wrong turns & a couple of 'asking-for-directions' moments before we went 'FINALLY'.
And by three in the morning, we exhausted most of our energy but it was a day well-spent.

Enough of the rest.
I should be gearing up for work as of tomorrow.
Ding-ke-dong.